


Hole in My Soul.

by lovenhardt1



Series: Teen verse. [3]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Teenagers, M/M, Teen Angst, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-08
Updated: 2012-10-08
Packaged: 2017-11-15 22:27:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 42,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/532449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovenhardt1/pseuds/lovenhardt1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tommy and Adam are forced to deal with a long distance relationship over the summer and shit happens. But who said love was easy?! Love is just that... love. It's all about daring to be vulnerable and trusting the other person to love you back.</p>
<p>All chapters are uploaded on same day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Angst, lots and lots of angst but because I’m sappy there’s a happy ever after.
> 
> Beta: My wonderful friend Thrace_adams who makes my writing so much better, but more than that, she makes me laugh while improving my writings and teaching me stuff. Love you, you wonderful woman! All remaining mistakes are mine.
> 
> This story is the third one in my teen ‘verse. First story is He’s Just a Little Bit Dangerous. Second one is Wicked Game. If you haven’t read them I recommend you do before starting on this one.  
> Oh and there’s a little treat that comes AFTER this fic, too. The Diary.

Tommy stares at the sun going down on the horizon. The sound of the waves rolling against the beach should bring him peace of mind but instead they're just annoying. With a hard flick of his wrist he throws a seashell and watches it bounce off the water a couple of times before the ocean swallows it. He feels trapped, Hawaii usually means family and fun and laughter, and it still does, but Adam is so far away.  Tommy misses him so much he's about to offer his left arm to the unholy gods if it would mean Adam’s strong arms wrapped around him.

“Hey.”

Lisa’s soft voice startles him, makes his breath hitch and his heart race for a brief moment. She’s been doing this to him all his life, sneaking up on him when he's lost in thought, demanding answers. His sister is awesome like that. He offers her a small smile. “Hi.”

She sits down next to him and puts her arm around his shoulder. Tommy leans into her side and with a sigh he puts his head on her shoulder. They watch the last of the sunset in pleasant silence. When the last sunbeam fades Lisa runs a hand through his hair, ruffles it a bit just like she used to when he was a kid. He should probably be pissed but it’s comforting. “Wanna tell me what’s up, little brother?”

He sighs again. “Nothing. I miss Adam, that’s all.”

“We’ve been here two weeks, that’s one third of the time already.”

He knows, he’s counting days, started even before they left Burbank. “This is your way of telling me I’ll survive?”

“I dunno, will you?”

“Yeah.”

“You talked to him earlier, didn’t you?”

“Hmm. What’s your point?”

“You didn’t seem sad before the phone call, I was just wondering if you two had an argument or something.”

“No, not at all. I just… I miss him and he’s having the time of his life doing this theater thing of his. He sounds so happy and he keeps talking about what Brad did or said and-”

“Brad? Who’s Brad?”

“Some cute, outgoing and fun guy who’s in the theater group, he sounds a lot like Adam so obviously they’re becoming friends.”

“Are you jealous? Is that what this is about?”

That’s exactly what he was thinking about when she startled him. He takes a minute before answering her. “No. Well yeah, not of Brad, but Adam’s having so much fun and he gets to sing his face off and I’m not there. I want to be there, sharing all this awesomeness with him. I want to be on stage with him and not on a fucking beach in Hawaii. I want to see him shine doing what he loves doing, does that make any sense?”

Tommy can feel her nodding her head.

“Yeah. But in four weeks you’ll get to do that.”

“No. That’s the thing. In four weeks we’ll go home, Adam will start college and I’ll be working in the bookstore full time and practicing with the band and we’ll both be busy.  It’ll be a lot harder to find time to spend with one another when we’re no longer in school together and I don’t get to have the fun summer vacation time with him. Dani does, Mia does, hell, even Brad does.”

Lisa gigglesnorts. “No, you’re not jealous of Brad that much is obvious.”

“I am, but not in the he’s stealing my boyfriend kinda way. I mean what are the odds that he’s even gay?”

“Doing theater on his summer vacay? I’d say pretty damn big.”

Tommy grins. “Yeah, you got a point. But Adam loves me, right?! So I’m not gonna worry about that.”

She squeezes his shoulder lightly. “It looks that way, yeah.” She lets go of him and stands up before offering him a hand. “Come on bro, let’s get out of here.” Lisa turns them away from the ocean and toward the rest of the family who are making bread on sticks around a bonfire. It’s a family tradition and one Tommy loves. “I think there might be a guitar with your name on it if we join the others at the bonfire.”

***

The next week goes by a bit faster. Tess, Tommy’s badass cousin with a voice of an angel, is dragging him across town and is introducing him to some awesome musicians and Tommy is really enjoying the time he spends playing guitar and jamming with cool people.  But on the down side Tommy and Adam end up playing phone tag and missing each other's calls. Tommy hasn't heard Adam’s voice in a week and text messages are awesome but not that awesome.

So Tommy begs off from a family outing and flops down on his temporary bed, dialing Adam’s number quickly. Adam’s voice floats through to him and brings a smile to his lips instantly. “Hang on baby, Brad is just leaving.”

There’s muffled words like _babe_ and _see you_ later spoken in a voice that isn’t Adam’s traveling through to Tommy’s ear and he frowns.

When Adam returns to him, Tommy asks carefully. “Um, what was that about?”

Adam laughs but it sounds strained to Tommy.  He fights the way his stomach clenches and pulls in a deep breath.

“Brad and I are going to a party tonight. Well, I mean some of the theater kids are getting together for fun times and Brad is picking me up. He went home now because he takes longer to get ready than I do.”

Tommy thinks about what Lisa said a week earlier and after making a quick decision he asks, “Odd question; but is Brad gay?”

“Yes,” Adam's voice is hesitant. “I thought I told you that, like three weeks ago.”

“No.” Tommy says softly. He doesn’t wasn’t to make it an issue.

“Hmm, must have dreamed it up. How are you? I miss you!”

“I miss you too. I’m fine, Mom says I’m a pain in the ass because I’m moody-”

“Don’t be moody! Go out and have fun! You’re spending the summer at one of the prettiest beaches in the world. Come back tanned and beautiful.”

Tommy chuckles. “I don’t get tanned, I get red and crispy. The sun doesn’t like me, you know that.”

“Shut up,” Adam grins. “You don’t burst out in freckles. The sun likes you more than me.”

Tommy thinks about Adam’s freckles, he adores them. Especially the ones on his lips, but then there’s the ones on his arms that move when Adam flexes his muscles. A clear image of those arms holding him close and down when Adam pushes into him makes Tommy’s voice dreamy and husky. “I love your freckles; I want to lick them all, the more the merrier.”

But Adam continues, either ignoring or just not paying attention to Tommy‘s state of mind. “You’re silly. I wish I looked like Brad when I’ve been in the sun. He’s got the perfect tan.”

Tommy’s daydream dissipates just like that and he sighs. “I bet he does.” He hopes he sounds more interested than he is, because he doesn't want Adam to be disappointed.

“Baby, it’s not that I don’t wanna talk but-”

“You’ve got plans with Brad and need to get ready, yeah I figured.”

That time Adam must have heard the disappointment Tommy tried to keep out of his voice because he apologizes. “I’m sorry. I wish you were here.”

“Really?”

“Of course. Why would you even ask that?”

Tommy shrugs, forgetting that Adam can’t actually see him. “I dunno. Maybe I just needed to hear it.”

“Three more weeks baby. I love you.” Adam singsongs in that sweet tone that makes Tommy’s heart beat a little faster.

Tommy hasn't once said it back on the phone, he normally tells Adam that he knows and Adam will laugh, knowing that Tommy loves him too but wants to look at him when he says it. Tommy stares up at the ceiling. Damn he misses Adam. He can only think of one way to really let Adam know just how much. “I love you.” he says softly.

Adam doesn’t respond and Tommy is left staring at his phone for a long time after Adam’s cheerful. “Gotta run, bye.”

He curls up on his mattress and shoves in his earplugs, cranking up the volume on Manson and damns Hawaii to hell, oh and the insensitive boyfriend can take a short vacay there as well.

***

With only one week of his time in Hawaii left Tommy knows without a doubt that something is off with Adam. Adam sounds distracted and the mindless chatter about the awesomeness of Brad is never ending. It’s really starting to get to him. Tommy doesn’t think he’s jealous by nature but more than once after talking to Adam jealousy has shown its ugly face. He stomps it down and tries to have fun with Tess and his other cousins and most of the time he succeeds. However, he has no intentions of letting Adam off the hook when he returns home. Something is up and they need to talk it out.

Adam beats him to the punch, though.

“Hey, can we talk?” Adam asks the second Tommy answers his phone.

Tess’s room is filled with people and music and it’s a little cramped and so not the place Tommy wants to talk to his boyfriend. “Of course, let me find a quiet spot.”

“Are you at a party or something?”

Tommy grins, for once he’s the one with too loud voices in the background. “Tess is having some friends over and we’re jamming. Yeah it’s a tiny party with loud people.” Tommy escapes to the back garden where the only sounds are from the nearby ocean and the birds chirping. “Talk to me.”

“How are you?”

Tommy frowns, there’s something in Adam’s voice that alarms him but he tries to ignore it. “Excited to come home. I miss you. When I’m get home I’m gonna grab you and keep you my prisoner for a week before I let you out the door again. I can’t fucking wait to-”

Tommy is cut short by Adam, who says in the most terrifying apologizing tone Tommy has ever heard, “Yeah, about that. I miss you too, I really do, but I think that maybe it was a good thing we didn’t spend all summer together.”

Tommy swallows, oh God, this is it. They’re having the talk now. He’s so not prepared for this. “What? What do you mean? I’m slowly but surely losing my mind here because all I can think about is coming home to you and you think this is _good_?”

There’s nothing but silence, well except from the way Tommy can hear Adam's soft breathing. “Adam!”

“I think that maybe we need some time apart. I think this thing between us… maybe it got too serious too fast and maybe we need to slow down and-”

Tommy can’t fucking breathe, his chest is hurting, his fucking heart is breaking, he fucking knew going to Hawaii would mess with them. “You’re breaking up with me?” he asks with a voice he barely recognizes as his own, he pulls the phone away from his ear and looks at it and anger surges through him. “On the goddamn phone?”

Adam sounds hesitant and careful, like he’s weighing his words. “I think we need to slow down, take a break and meet new people.”

“You’ve met new people!” Tommy hisses but his tone seeps into a whine with his next exhale. “Why are you doing this? Don’t do this.”

Adam takes a deep breath, making Tommy feel like a sullen child and Adam the adult with all the answers. “Tommy, you’re seventeen, in two months you’ll be eighteen. You’ve had one boyfriend don’t you think-”

No, not sullen, pissed and desperate is more like it. “Don’t make this about me. I fucking know what I want. _You_.”

“Who finds their soul mate at our age and doesn’t fuck it up? Tommy? Honestly?”

“Us! What happened? You told me you loved me yesterday and now you’re telling me you need to meet new people?” Tommy tucks a lock of hair away from his eyes with and tries to gather his thoughts enough to get him out of this awful mess. “This is about Brad isn’t?” that so wasn’t meant to come out of his mouth but it did and there’s no way to take it back or make it sound like less of an accusation.

Adam is quiet for a long time before he sighs and he sounds so goddamn _guilty_ when he says. “Tommy, please.”

The reality of it hits Tommy like a ton of bricks. Adam might actually be having feelings for someone else; it might not just be Tommy’s vivid imagination running wild after all. This is worse than he ever expected it to be. “It is, right? I honestly didn’t think you’d ever cheat on me,” he says, silently begging Adam to deny it. Adam doesn’t, though. He stays silent. “Tell me you didn’t. Please Adam.”

More devastating silence grows around him, making it harder to breathe. “Shit. Did you sleep with him?” Tommy leans against the wall of the house and slides down until his butt hits the soft grass. He stares up at the sky; the stars are mocking him with their brightness.

“No.”

“But you want to?”

“I…”

“It a simple question Adam, and don’t you fucking lie to me.”

Adam’s voice is soft and pleading. “Tommy, baby-”

Tommy groans and cuts Adam off. “Fine, you won’t say it. You don’t have to. All I’ve been hearing about for five weeks straight is Brad. Not the theater, not Danielle, not even about singing but about Brad. I thought it was you being excited about all the new stuff and making new friends. That’s what I fucking told myself when I ended up thinking that maybe you were crushing a little on him. But you’re not are you? Crushing a little? No, you’re horny and I’m guessing he’s more than willing.”

“It’s not like that.” Adam says quickly but then he pauses. “Maybe it is… but he’s fun in such an outgoing forceful and happy way and I haven’t done anything baby, but maybe we both need to have some fun with others.”

 _Great_ Tommy thinks, there’s no way to compete with that when he's an introverted thinker that loves to hide from the world and sink into a horror flick curled up next to his boyfriend.

Adam tries to explain his sudden need for freedom. “I don’t want to feel stuck with you because I never really tried being with someone else. I know you’re my soul mate. I know it, but that’s why I think we should be careful not to get too serious at this point in our lives.”

“So what? You’re asking me to sit in a corner waiting for you to find your way back to me? Does that sound fair to you?”

“No, I’m saying we need a break, I’m not trying to end us but maybe we shouldn’t be exclusive-”

Tommy’s brows furrow and skepticism colors his tone. “So, you’re asking my permission to fuck other dudes? Is that it? I…”

“God, when you put it like that it sounds so cheap, but I think we need to slow down and have fun with others, to be more open.”

Tommy’s heart is beating violently and he's trapped between wanting to cry and shout. His body is shaking, tremors running through his muscles and even his voice shakes when he finally finds his words again. “Do you really expect me to give you, what? Six months free pass to fuckville? Or is this your way of waiting for me to break it off so that your back is free?”

“I don’t want to break up with you.” Adam actually sounds sincere which confuses the hell out of Tommy. “I’m saying that we’re too young to be this serious. We’ll crash and burn if we are. We’re teenagers we’re supposed to have fun.”

A tear slips down Tommy's cheek as a proof of how powerless he feels and he wipes it away with disgust. “You’re not having fun with me? Christ, why couldn’t you at least have waited another week before bringing this up? Then I would have been home. I can’t fucking fight for you when I’m stuck here!”

“I don’t want you to fight for me, I want you to have fun and enjoy your time in Hawaii.”

“Because that’s what you’ll be doing in Cali.” Tommy states cynically, Adam doesn’t say anything to that which makes Tommy scared. “You’ll be with him tonight, won’t you?”

“Yeah, but not like that.”

Tommy ponders Adam's words, like that… what does that even mean? “Have you kissed him?” Adam’s silence is the loudest sound Tommy has ever heard. “Adam?” he asks timidly.

“Yeah.”

Another tear falls but this time Tommy doesn’t bother wiping it away. “Fuck. Have you-”

“No, we haven’t done more.”

“I can’t believe this is happening-” Tommy stops himself and takes a deep breath. To fix things he’ll need to know what went wrong. “Damn it. What did I do to make you do this?” he’s crying freely now, not carrying one bit about Adam hearing it or if anyone walking out in the garden searching for him sees him like this.

“You didn’t do anything, I still love you but-”

“You don’t want me. You want him. Was I that bad… in bed?”

“No! You’re perfect but maybe we should both have the opportunity to be a little slutty before we make plans to settle down.”

“Both?” anger boils fast and violent in his veins again. “I sure as fuck don’t need it or want it. And just out of curiosity how long do you think this slutty period is going to last?”

“I don’t know. But we’re seventeen, we should fuck around.”

“You know what I think? I think that this is Brad speaking!”

Adam sighs and he sounds like he’s giving up on talking to Tommy. “I’m capable of thinking on my own, but yeah, maybe he opened my eyes a bit.”

Tommy doesn’t care one bit if Adam doesn’t want to keep up this conversation, he wants answers, clarity. “I just- never mind. What if I want to fuck around too? Is that gonna be fine because I seem to remember not three months ago jealousy eating away at you and _I_ _didn’t_ even kiss someone else. But hey, I got an offer yesterday so it’s not like it isn’t a possibility!” The last part is a fucking lie, there was one girl the other day that seemed interested but he made damn sure not to lead her on and their conversation had been friendly after that, but that was all.

“You did?” Adam doesn’t sound too keen on that and Tommy’s inner bitch really likes that.

“Yup, but unlike you, I have no problem keeping it in my pants because I’m _in love with you._ ” and that’s the fucking truth, he hasn't once thought about anyone else but Adam since before they got together.

“My jealousy is one of the reasons I want to do this actually. To be honest I can’t even think about you with somebody else and the way I acted… Tommy that’s not good. I need to get my head straight and I need to work things out before I can be a good boyfriend. I’m too possessive and too controlling and you’ll end up hating me if we don’t… please understand this isn’t about you.”

The way Adam sounds gives Tommy some sort of hope that maybe this is fixable. “We’ll work through it. Adam, please don’t throw us away. I need you.”

“I’m not throwing anything away. I hope with everything I’ve got that you’ll still want me when I have grown up a bit. But I need time.”

How Adam can sound so honest and sad but still so dismissive is beyond Tommy. The rejection doesn’t hurt less because of that, though. “So we’re done? Just like that I’m being dumped for someone witty and outgoing that I presume doesn’t want commitment.”

“We could try an open relationship?” Adam offers gently.

Tommy shakes his head forcefully. “No. It’s all or nothing.”

“I’m sorry Tommy.”

“Please Adam. Think about this.” Tommy is not above begging, not at all, he’ll do anything but share his boyfriend.

“You don’t think I have? Brad even said to me-”

“Really Adam?” Tommy says in a high pitched and disbelieving tone. Bringing Brad into it like that is the drop that makes the glass flow over and Tommy shouts, “Fuck you!” and ends the call. He’s so heartbroken and angry he can’t even see straight.

He stays where he is for a long time. Hoping Adam will call him again but too stubborn to do it himself when he doesn’t. He lets his tears fall until they run dry and lets his mind run wild until only one thought is left. He needs to get back home; he needs to talk to Adam in person. Maybe that will make Adam understand and they can save their relationship. They just need to talk. He gets off the grass and goes to find his mom.

He finds Dia in the living room playing cards with his dad, aunt and uncle. He wipes his sweaty palms dry in his jeans. “Mom.” He says softly.

Dia looks up and her eyes rake over him in concern when she sees the state he’s in. “Yes, sweetheart?” 

He wants to hide but he figures the only way to get home is to suck it up and just lay it all on the table. “I need to go home.”

Ron, who hasn’t looked up from his cards, voices his thoughts on the subject. “That is out of the question Tommy Joe.”

“Why?” Dia asks softly and grabs one of Tommy’s hands and squeezes it lightly.

A hiccupping sound ripples from his throat, causing his shoulders to tremble and he can’t look at her. “Adam wants to break up with me and I need to get home so I can fix things.”

“Oh,” she tugs his hand a little, making him raise his eyes and meet hers. “Isn’t Adam just a little dramatic? It sounded to me like you were fine last night when you talked.”

“Yeah, well he just told me he wants to see other boys, namely Brad and I have to go home Mom.”

“We can’t just all get on an airplane because Adam is…” Dia stops when Tommy shakes his head in agreement. “I’m not asking you to. I can go home alone.”

“Like hell you can! You’re seventeen-” Ron says disbelieving.

Tommy sighs, he knows his dad means well but normally he has no trouble with Tommy making decisions on his own and this is one time he really doesn’t need his father to renege on his trust in Tommy’s ability to stand on his own two legs. “You trust me to act like a grown up in all other ways Dad. Flying home alone isn’t a big thing.”

“You hate flying.” Ron says, matter of factly.

Tommy nods. “I’ll live. I have to get back.”

“Our house will be empty for the next week; there is nothing in the fridge.” Dia points out.

“I’ll call Mia; ask if I can stay with her if you don’t think I can manage the grocery store.” Tommy looks away from his mom and seeks his dad’s approval. “Dad? I need to go home.”

“Call Mia. And then we can talk.” Ron says quietly.

“Thanks Dad.”

A deal is made. Tommy’s mom is to follow him to the gate and Mia is getting him from the airport when he lands and he’s staying with her until Tommy’s family comes back the week after. He has to call when he’s back in Burbank and once a day the rest of the time they’re in Hawaii.

The next day in the middle of the afternoon Mia is waiting for him at the airport wrapping him up in a bone crushing hug the minute she sees him. “Oh, honey.”

Tommy fights the sob that threatens to break free. “Can you drop me off at Adam’s?”

Mia nods but at the same time she asks. “Do you think that’s a good idea? I mean have you talked to him, does he know you’re coming?”

“Dunno, no and no, but I need to see him,” Tommy admits with his nose buried in her hair. The smell of it making him feel safe and loved. He needs that.  Mia takes his hand and leads him out to the car.

Once they’re seated and buckled up she agrees. “Okay.” She searches his eyes and sighs. “I’ll stay at your house in case you need a quick pick up and you can text me if you’re staying or something and then I’ll go home.”

Tommy tries to smile but he knows from the look in Mia’s eyes that she doesn’t buy it. “Thanks Mia.” he whispers and averts his gaze from hers. The sadness in her eyes is too much for him to handle, so he settles for looking out the window all the way home. Mia doesn’t say a word, she lets him be.  Tommy truly appreciates the fact that she knows him well enough to see he needs the silence to sort out the chaos in his head.

When she’s parked in the Lambert’s driveway and he unbuckles his seatbelt, she reaches out and grabs his hand. She squeezes lightly. “Things will be fine, Tommy.”

Tommy wishes he could be sure of that but he doesn’t say anything, instead he kisses her cheek and leaves the car without looking back.

***

He pulls in a deep breath and exhales slowly in a futile attempt to slow down his heart rate before he knocks on the door. Leila opens it and her eyes go wide and warm when she sees him. “Well, hello Tommy. You’re home early.”

“Hey, Leila. Is he home?”

She opens the door wide and lets him in before hugging him hello. “Yeah, he’s home I think he’s watching a movie with Brad. He’s going to be thrilled to see you.”

Tommy blinks. He hadn’t even considered the possibility that Brad could be there. His already abused heart sinks. “We’ll see about that. I’mma…” he gestures towards the stairwell.

“Sure sweetie. It’s good to see you!”

“Yeah, you too.”

When he reaches Adam’s room the door is closed. Tommy isn’t stupid, far from it and he knows what that could mean but he must be a sucker for punishment because he pushes it open with only one rapid knock, giving the boys on the bed half a second to jump from each other.

It doesn’t matter, though because Adam’s lips are wet and bruised from a heavy make out session and so are Brad’s. “I guess I should have waited for you to open, huh?!” Tommy snaps with a disbelieving head shake. He bites down hard on his lower lip to distract him from the sight and the feeling of his last hope leaving him.

“Tommy?!” Adam says eyes huge in guilt and surprise.

“Yeah, me.” Tommy bites out. “And please don’t tell me that this isn’t what it looked like.”

“I think maybe I should…” Brad says in a tone that speaks volumes of his desire to get the hell out of the room. Tommy offers him a dismissive shrug but Adam sounds sorry when he looks at Brad. “Yeah. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Avoiding Tommy’s cold stare Brad tiptoes around him. Tommy makes a point out of not moving to make the access to the door easier. This is supposed to be his turf.

“What are you doing home?” Adam asks. When he looks at Tommy it’s very briefly, his gaze filled with guilt and pity. It makes Tommy want to vomit. He should have known better than to come here. He should have known they were done when Adam didn’t call him back.

“I…” Tommy’s voice breaks and he needs to swallow quite a bit of air before he’s able to control it enough to speak again. “I thought that if I got home fast enough that maybe we could talk about this, fix it, but I guess I was wrong.” When Adam looks at him and starts twisting his hands in a way that looks painful, bile raises in Tommy's throat and he’s hit with the picture of Brad spread out under Adam five minutes after their talk last night. “Did you fuck him last night? Right after you tore out my heart?” he asks, he’s beyond heartbroken and wounded and it makes him want to go for Adam’s throat.

Adam gasps. “God, no.”

Tommy snorts. “It doesn’t matter, though. I’m worth more than this. We’re done! I don’t think I ever want to see you again.”

This time panic fills Adam’s eyes. But Tommy can’t stay, he can’t look at Adam any longer, it hurts too much. When he spins around and starts walking away Adam begs. “Tommy, God… please talk to me. Don’t leave me like this, can’t we at least be friends?”

Tommy spins around so fast he gets dizzy with it. “I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure I _hate_ you right now.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Adam whispers painfully.

“Yeah?” Tommy asks with tears welling up in his eyes again. The feeling of them combined with Adam’s completely idiotic statement makes him lose it and he raises his voice. “Well you should have thought about _that_ before letting your _cock_ make your _decisions. Asshole_.”

Adam looks stunned when Tommy turns around and runs down the stairs fast enough that he almost collides with Leila. “My goodness, Tommy? What was that about?”

“I’m sorry I can’t…” he stutters and slips around her and out the door. He needs Mia, he needs her like he’s never needed her before.


	2. Chapter 2

Tommy spends his first week back in Burbank in Mia’s bed. He doesn’t speak much; he doesn’t even watch much TV. Mia tries to coax conversation out of him but he answers in one syllable words when he can and curls into himself with his beloved music in his ears. He knows she worries about him because that’s the way it works when you love somebody. He’s actually a bit worried himself, but when he tries to put words to the chaos in his head his vocal cords just won’t cooperate. He _knows_ one of the reasons he’s having a hard time talking to her is because he knows when he hurts then she does. Another reason is that he also knows she still loves Adam and those is just too many feelings all together to deal with. It helps, though, that she’s near.

His mom sends him sweet text messages that make him tear up and hide his face into his pillow.  Mia wraps herself around him whenever he feels like he’s about to lose it and her closeness feels so good but she's not the one he really wants to cuddle with. The one he wants is probably busy sucking tongues with Brad.

Tommy squeezes his eyes shut and curses. Why he lets his mind return to that all the time is a fucking mystery he can’t solve. He sighs and unfolds himself. Maybe he should find Mia, she’s been gone for some time and maybe he should try that eating thing while he’s at it. His stomach grumbles loudly in agreement. He leaves his phone and earplugs on the bed and walks towards the kitchen barefoot wearing only his old PJ bottoms and a well-worn M*A*S*H* T-shirt.

Padding down the hardwood floor in the hall he recognizes Nate’s voice and stops, frowning for a second. He didn't know Mia had company. He blinks and stands up straight; he seriously needs to snap out of it and get back to being the normal Tommy.

Just when he decides to join the two of them in the kitchen he hears Nate say softly, “Changing the subject; how is he?”

Tommy sighs and waits for Mia’s answer.

“He’s… broken. I’ve never been this crippled by an ex-boyfriend. I knew he was in love but, I dunno. It’s like Adam ripped out his heart and his will to live. He hasn’t been out of the house, barely left my bed. I don’t know what to do.”

Tommy snorts quietly, that’s an understatement if he ever heard one. He feels like there’s a big bleeding hole where his heart used to be. The brief moments where it doesn't hurt so bad he thinks he's gonna die he just feels numb and doesn't give a damn. It’s kind of scary to hear another person say it, though.

“Talk to him?!” Nate says soft and calm, and somewhere in Tommy's head he realizes that Nate has a nice voice, calming, soothing. Safe.

“I’ve tried but I think in Tommy’s head, I’m too close to the both of them. He doesn’t want me to feel like I should pick sides.”

Tommy holds onto the security in Nate’s voice so much that he barely hears the words Nate speaks. “But you’re Tommy’s best friend Mia. You pick his side.”

“It’s not that easy; Adam is really a great guy and I love him too. He fucked up and he did it epically, but I know he regretted everything the second he knew he lost Tommy.”

“So you’ve talked to Adam?”

“Yes. He called me. He wanted to know if Tommy was in good hands.”

Mia’s words make his insides twist and his loneliness feel larger than life. Tommy feels his chest tighten and moves to the wall, he glides down and rests against it, pulling his knees up under his chin and wrapping his arms around them. He can’t go into the kitchen now. Mia is right, he doesn’t want her to pick sides, and he feels so fucking fragile. He focuses on his breathing, a slow deep inhale to the count of three, holds it for another count of three, before exhaling slow and deep. One, two, three. And hold. It’s the only routine that’ll keep the anxiety attack from pulling him under.

Tommy stares at the floor and curls his toes, trying to be smaller, invisible. If he’s not there he doesn’t have to think about Adam being hurt too. He can’t deal with that knowledge, he has to keep breathing. One, two, three.

In the kitchen Mia continues. “But don’t think I wouldn’t pick Tommy’s side if I was forced to. Tommy would never ask me to choose though and I think what he really needs is someone to listen to him.  Someone that isn't part of our group, you know?  ”

“Yeah, maybe that would be good, someone that isn’t invested.”

“Would you? Check up on him?”

"Me?"

Tommy hears what he thinks is someone setting their mug back down on the table. "Are you sure?  I mean, I enjoyed talking to Tommy, he's a nice guy, but you think he'd open up to me?" There is hope and a smile in his voice and Tommy feels it, seeping into him, relaxing him and slowly he lets his toes uncurl.

Mia laughs quietly. “Yeah, I do. He totally charmed his way into your heart didn’t he? You never see him coming but he worms his way into your heart five minutes after meeting him.”

“You could say that, yeah.” Nate chuckles but when he speaks again he sounds dead serious. “What about Adam? How is he?”

“I think he’s as fucked up as Tommy these days. But he made his bed and now he's gotta lie in it.”

“Has Tommy talked to him?”

“No, at least I don’t think so.”

“Do you think they’ll get back together?”

Tommy doesn’t want to know what Mia is thinking about that yet he really, really does.

“I hope so. When they’re not busy fucking things up they’re so damn _good_ together.” There’s a long pause after that statement, long enough for Tommy to lift his head and look towards the kitchen door. “What?” Mia finally says in a way that makes it clear to Tommy that Nate must have sent her some sort of weird look.

“Nothing.” Nate says dismissively but none the less he continues five seconds later. “No, actually, don’t you think Tommy deserves a little better than a guy who’s unfaithful?”

A chair screeches when it’s moved across the floor. “Yes, but from what I understand it was just a couple of kisses and we all mess up from time to time. I know Adam _loves_ Tommy and to be honest I think Adam is his own worst enemy. I could be wrong but it wouldn’t surprise me one bit if this whole thing was driven by Adam's fear of losing Tommy so he sabotaged it himself and did something he knew would send my boy running for the hills.”

In the hall Tommy frowns, he's never really thought about it but that’s exactly what Adam does. All the time.

“So because he has something good he’s afraid to lose, he deliberately throws it away?” Nate sounds appropriately skeptic.

“Not saying it’s the smart thing to do,” Mia snorts, “but yeah because then he knows why and it keeps him from constantly wondering when it’ll end. I’m not saying he’s aware of it, though.”

“Default defense mechanism. When does Tommy’s family come home?” another chair screeches and the sound of the two of them moving around in the kitchen makes Tommy get off the floor. He’s got his breathing under control again and without the panic lurking around the edges he decides it’s time to stop being a burden to the people he loves, specifically Mia.

“Tomorrow, but I’m not sure he’s going home.”

“Why is that?”

“Adam lives five houses from Tommy and I’m not sure he’s ready to face him, not even on the street.” Mia says in a soft emphatic tone.

“Is there anything I can do?”

Nate asks Mia that question the exact same second Tommy crosses the threshold and enters the kitchen “‘m fine.” Tommy mutters.

Mia turns around and faces him immediately. Her concerned brown eyes lock with his. “Hi sweetie.” She opens her arms and invites him in for the hug she must see that he craves.

“Hi.” He says into the hollow of her neck and holds on for dear life for the best of a minute before releasing her again. He turns to look at Nate. “Hi Nate.”

“Hi,” Nate smiles the way people do when they know you're a mess but have no idea how to fix you. “Is there anything I can do?”

Tommy knows his own smile is a pretty good imitation of the one he got from Nate a second ago but what can he really do about that. “Can you turn back time?” he asks, Nate shakes his head in denial. “Then no.”

Tommy looks at back at Mia. “Can you take me home today?”

Her eyes go wide and uncertain. “Today? Are you sure you’re really want that?”

Tommy nods and goes to the fridge to get a bottle of water. His hunger is long gone again and he knows if he keeps this up it won’t last long before he really does become invisible. “Yeah, I have work the day after tomorrow and the others are coming home tomorrow and Christian has been texting me about wanting to get together. And Mike and I need to get back to our music project.”

He keeps his back turned on Mia, and no matter how cowardly it is, it helps him say what's on his mind without her face-searching and all-knowing eyes staring back at him. “My point is that apparently life didn’t end, it only feels that way and I have to drag my ass back and face the heat. Also, I seriously doubt Mom will be okay with me staying here once she gets home.”

“All good points.” She says and goes to put her arms around him from behind and rest her head on his shoulder. “Want me to stay over tonight?”

“No, that’s okay.”

“You know I will.”

He nods and disengages himself from her embrace. “I’ll get my stuff together. Just let me know when you’re ready to go.” He nods a goodbye to Nate and feels their eyes on his back all the way out of the kitchen.

Half way down the hall he hears Mia’s heartfelt, “Shit.”

“Was that an angry Tommy?” asks Nate wondering.

Mia sighs. “No. That was Tommy that heard everything we talked about and deciding he didn’t want to be a burden. I messed up.”

***

Three weeks later Tommy is dumb enough to start thinking he’ll be okay, eventually. Mia has carefully been dropping hints the entire last week about Adam missing him and stuff like that. He could ask her to stop it but a sick part of his brain, or maybe it’s most of his heart, is begging for any connection to Adam. So he doesn’t. But he doesn’t take the bait either.

However, Adam decides he needs to talk to Tommy. Or at least that’s what Tommy concludes the first time his phone rings and Adam’s gorgeous face is plastered all over the touchscreen. He stares at it the whole time it’s buzzing in his palm, his thumb aching to press answer, the rest of him shaking because his heart fucking hurts, and _oh shit_ he thought he was getting better. That was the first ten calls, now he’s getting pissed the more Adam calls. And to make things even worse Adam is adding text messages to the pile of never ending ways to torture Tommy Joe.

Tommy is at work when he phone buzzes with a text and even before he hauls it out of his pocket , which by the way is too deep and too tight when he wants his pants to stay up, he’s pretty sure it’s Adam even before he gets to it. He checks the screen and sighs angrily when his suspicion is confirmed and shoves it right back in his pocket and hoists his jeans up again in a futile attempt to keep them on his hips. He takes a couple of books from the stack he has lying neatly beside him and puts them in place with more force than is strictly necessary.

“I think it’s the first time I've ever found a guy shoving books back in place with such violence behind it, _this_ appealing. But now I’m curious as to what caused it.”

Nate’s familiar voice startles Tommy but he quickly turns around with a shadow of a smile on his lips and without even thinking, he confesses. “Text from Adam.”

Nate makes a face that says ‘sorry’ loud and clear. Tommy shrugs it off and asks. “What are you doing here?”

“Buying a book” Lifting his hands Nate shows Tommy his purchases of the day “… or five?”  

Tommy raises his gaze to Nate’s face again he sees Nate smile softly at him. “And checking up on you because Mia is worried and you won’t actually _talk_ to her.”

“Oh.” Tommy remembers some of the talk Mia and Nate had in Mia’s kitchen but he never expected Nate to be this upfront and honest about it.

“How are you?” Nate holds Tommy's gaze. The look in his eyes is sincere but nonetheless Tommy tosses out a quick “’m Okay.”

“Liar.”

“Yeah, well.” Tommy shrugs, this isn’t the time or the place and if he has to be honest while talking about how he feels he’ll probably break.  Nate picks up on it because he shrugs too. “First loves are always hard to get over.”

“I suppose, was yours?” Tommy’s own curiosity surprises him.

“I can’t answer that. I have yet to find him.”

“Don’t bother. You know that saying? Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?” Tommy snorts condescendingly. 

“Yeah?”

“I call bullshit on that one.”

 “I’m sorry. I can only imagine how you must feel.” Nate looks like he wants to pull Tommy in for a hug and to be honest Tommy wouldn’t mind that hug one damn bit.

“It’s sucky that’s for sure.”

Nate nods in understanding and Tommy decides that if Nate can do that honest ‘I know you heard what we talked about at Mia’s place’ then he can do the ‘I know, you know, I heard you’ thing too. “I feel so fucking alone. Mia was right by the way.”

“About?”

“That I have to think about what I say to my best friends, I can’t be sad or rage when I feel the walls start to crumble.”

“Why not? They’re your best friends, they’ll listen.”

Tommy nods, he knows. He never ever doubted that. “But they’re his friends too. And if I do any of those things I put them in the middle. If I let them know how sad I am; they think he’s an ass, but feel bad about it because they love him, too. If I’m angry at him, they are too, but feel like they also need to defend him. Because Adam is a total sweetheart, who’s impossible not to love. It’s not fair right now but it’s the truth.”

That earns Tommy a warm smile and a quiet snort. And Tommy goes on. “It’s not like I don’t have my own friends to bitch and moan to, but to be honest they’re such dorks, cool dorks, but dorks and they have a hard time understanding how much I miss him or how much this is affecting me.”

Tommy’s hair falls into his eyes and a tiny lock gets stuck in his lashes, he reaches up to brush away the offending hair but Nate beats him to it, his gentle touch rearranges the hair so it lies perfectly against Tommy’s cheek. Tommy blinks in surprise and Nate smiles. “Well, I’m not caught in the middle and I might be just a little more mature than the goofballs. I’ll listen to you bitch and moan and lend you a shoulder to cry on if you need it.”

“Thanks but…”

“But?”

Tommy doesn’t answer but looks at the hand Nate just used to touch him with. Nate catches on immediately. “Is it too much? I can try and stop it if it bothers you. I’m just a flirt by nature. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“It’s not that. I just… I can’t…”

“I know Tommy, I am serious about offering friendship and a shoulder, nothing more.  I don’t expect anything else in return from you.”

Tommy swallows; he doesn’t want to sound like he doesn’t find Nate attractive or something like that, because he totally does. “It’s just- I’m not…”

Nate’s smile is knowing and kind. “Over him? I know. Friends?”

Tommy can do friends, friends sounds kind of awesome especially one that doesn’t love Adam. “Yeah, friends.”

Nate looks pleased. He puts down his books and pats his pockets until he finds what he’s searching for, a pen magically appears in his hand and he takes Tommy hand and scribbles down his number. “Call me, okay?”

“Yeah, okay. I will.” Tommy grins, it takes him a second to realize it’s the very first time since he and Adam broke up that he’s actually smiled. It feels good and kind of devastating at the same time.

Nate winks and drawls out, “Tommy, I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

Again, laughter bubbles up in Tommy’s chest. “Did you just quote Casablanca?? Dork.”

Nate picks up his books laughing. “Yeah, but you knew where it came from. Until next time Tommy Joe.”

Tommy watches Nate leave with a lighter heart than when Nate startled him earlier.

***

The next two weeks go by a lot faster. Tommy is pretty sure it's because of Nate. Nate tends to know just when to drop by the bookstore or just when to call him with an invite to grab something to eat and a game or a movie. They’ve been hanging out at Mia’s a lot together, all three of them.

Tommy isn’t admitting, not even to himself, that it’s because he doesn’t want to be at home and too close to Adam. Or at Nate’s because that’s too close to Adam, too. Of course Nate lives at the dorm by the college and of course Adam and Nate go to the same fucking college. Seriously, fuck his life. Tommy’s shitty luck is never ending. Even when he’s in his own room he feels Adam’s presence connected to too many really fucking good memories. And those memories make it hard to keep resisting Adam’s attempts to get Tommy talking. And more often than not those memories make it hard to breathe because that’s what they are; memories.

So, once again he finds himself in Mia’s huge ass room, in the middle of the bed the three of them are using as a sofa, as they watch Jason Voorhees spread terror and blood wherever he goes. Tommy is having a great time to be honest; he’s been cuddled close to Nate for a while, because it’s such a safe and comfy feeling to rest his head against a broad chest. And like Adam, Nate is deliciously warm all the time and he doesn’t mind one little bit that Tommy loves of that kind of closeness.

At ten pm his phone goes off. Tommy sighs, knowing exactly who is calling him this late in the evening, and yet he still checks to see who it is and just as always the picture of Adam’s happy face makes him miss and long for Adam so much it hurts and why can’t Adam just let him be? Tommy turns the screen so it’s facing down when he puts it back on the bed.  

“Tommy?” Mia must have been watching him because when he looks up at her she asks quietly, “Was that Adam?”

“Yeah, how’d you know?”

“You had that look on your face. Are you not going to answer it?”

“Nope. I already know what he wants and I think it’d be better if I don’t.” For a second Nate’s arm tightens around him in a comforting way. Tommy sneaks a peek up at Nate’s face under his lashes and finds Nate looking back at him with calm green eyes.

“What?” Mia demands. “And how do you know? Have you been talking to him? ‘coz-”

“You know I haven’t.” Tommy turns away from Nate to face Mia. He’s a bit annoyed that she’s asking.   He doesn’t want to talk about Adam. Just thinking about Adam is ruining the peace he was feeling just moments ago. “I’m sure he already told you that. He’s been texting me for a couple of weeks now, he wants to see me. He says he misses me and wants me back. That he loves me.”

Mia frowns. “That’s good, isn’t it?” she gives him that look that means she wishes she could just crack open his head to find out what the hell he's thinking and suddenly it's all too much.  He needs Mia to be on his side, to see things from his perspective, just once. It's obvious Adam isn't holding back with her and she was Tommy's friend first, damnit.

“I dunno Mia. He's never once said he was sorry for the shit he did. I have no idea if he's still fooling around with Mister outgoing and colorful. If he's still with him, then he can't really be with me. He can't have his cake and eat it too.  And even if he's not with him, what are the odds he’s going to hurt me again?”

He looks at Mia half expecting and maybe even wanting her to confirm or deny his questions, but knowing she probably won't interrupt him now that he’s finally speaking. She waits patiently for him to go on so he does. “I’m not sure I’ll survive another deep fall like this and to be honest how can I trust him, even if he promises me it’s just going to be just us from now on?”

“I thought you wanted him back, I thought you were sad because it ended…”

“I am. Christ, I really am but I can’t get the picture of the two of them kissing out of my head and do I really need to be with someone that treats me like that?” Frustration and pain seep into his voice which carries a desperate edge to it. His words barely fade before Nate's warm palms are running up and down his back in soothing motions and Tommy starts to feel a bit calmer.

Mia watches them for a while and Tommy wonders what exactly it is she sees. “So, you don’t want to get back together?”

“Yes … no… I don’t know.” Tommy sighs. “Do I love him? Yes! Do I miss him? Yes! Do I want him to take me back? Yes and way too much because the last and most important question is, is he good for me? And I don’t know… and I really think I need to get myself together before I let him talk me into anything again. I need to think about whether I should let myself be that vulnerable with him again.  And I can’t do that if we’re talking”

“Hey,” Nate says grabbing both Tommy’s shoulders and squeezing them. “You don’t have to figure all that out now. All you need to know right now is you most certainly deserve someone who’s good to you.” Tommy sends Nate a look of gratitude over his shoulder.

“Got anyone particular in mind?” Mia asks Nate pointedly and the two of them glare at each other for several long intense moments.  Tommy looks back and forth between them before what Mia meant starts to really sink in, the idea of Nate liking him like that flickers through his brain. But before it even gets a chance to settle annoyance that Mia actually thinks she has the right to ask or even look at Nate like that takes over. Incredulously, Tommy hisses, “Would it be a problem if he did?”

Mia eyes snap from Nate’s to Tommy’s. “No, of course not.”

“Exactly. And Mia? I think that maybe Adam could at least tell me he’s sorry and that he’ll never do something so stupid and wrong again, don’t you? At the very least, he owes me that before I do any thinking about anything.”

“Yeah, that he could, well, he _should_. Before someone else steals you away.” She looks at Nate and back at Tommy again. “And honey, it wouldn’t be Adam taking you back; it’d be the other way around.”

“Same difference.”

“No, Mia is right. You’ve got the power here. If he wants you back, and you want that too; make him prove his love.”

Tommy twists around to look Nate in the eyes. “I don’t doubt his love. Maybe I should, but I don’t, which is what makes this so hard. What I doubt is his ability to keep his cock in his pants or that I can keep him interested enough in getting into mine when someone prettier than me comes along.” Tommy snaps his mouth closed, afraid more honesty will just come spilling out for everyone to see.  He almost regrets opening up because now all his insecurities are out in the open for the two of them to poke around in.

Nate gently takes Tommy’s chin and with the utmost sincerity and just a hint of flirtatious want says, “I doubt anyone prettier than you will ever come along.”

It’s too much, and the only thing Tommy can do is drop his gaze in an attempt to hide it. “Really?”

“Yup.” Nate’s hand falls away.

“Hmm, I’m sure I saw that someone hurry out the door when I caught him macking on what used to be my boyfriend. I’ll introduce you two sometime, his name is Brad.”

Nate doesn’t smile the way Tommy wanted him to. “I don’t know what made Adam act like he did but I can assure you it wasn’t because you’re not hot enough.”

Tommy huffs out a sigh and shakes his head. It would be nice to believe those words.

Nate seems to think that his job is done and now he’s smiling teasingly. “Now watch the damn horror movie you puppy eyed us into.”

“Fuck you!” Tommy grins.

“Please.” Nate says and winks and the balance is even again. The easily shaken and quiet peacefulness Tommy was feeling before Adam’s call settles back in and just because he can, and because no one will mind, Tommy makes himself comfortable, with his head resting on Nate’s thighs and his legs over Mia’s, to watch the last of his movie. He’s dead tired from spilling his guts. And Nate’s hand, resting heavily on his side and the other one in his hair slowly playing with the strands makes him sleepy. It doesn’t take him long before the land of dreams pulls him under.


	3. Chapter 3

Another week passes and Tommy continues to ignore the daily phone calls and numerous texts from Adam. It’s not getting any easier for Tommy to see Adam’s face light up the screen, the longing isn’t any less and neither is the heartbreak. But Tommy is determined to stay far away from Adam, at least until Adam sends him a text saying he regrets his behavior and wants to apologize.  Then _maybe_ they can start to talk.

Thursday, he returns from lunch to find Adam in the bookstore and the shock is paralyzing. For the longest time Tommy stands frozen, wide eyed, his heart trying to hammer its way out of his chest. Adam smiles uncertainly and waves a little.

“What the fuck?” Tommy curses under his breath.  He and Adam never share shifts.  It happened twice in the past year and after their breakup Tommy had gone out of his way to make sure it never happened.

Adam takes two small steps toward Tommy and says softly, “Hi baby.”

Adam’s voice sends tremors through Tommy’s body and that reaction lights an angry fire in him. “First, don't 'hi baby' me. Second, why are you here?”

Adam winces visibly at his cold tone. “I’m working this shift.”

“You’re supposed to be in school.”

Adam nods once and says quietly, “I had to do something to get to talk to you.”

“No, you didn’t. Ignoring your calls and text messages should be a clear as fuck sign for you to back the hell off and leave me alone. We have nothing to talk about.” Tommy snaps at him and turns away.

He throws a heated glare over his shoulder as he goes to get one of the boxes delivered this morning.  “You made out with some pretty dude and we broke up because I’m not the sharing kind of boyfriend. End of story.”

Adam catches up with him in two long strides, walking close enough for Tommy to feel the warmth coming from him. “Can’t we please talk about this? I miss you.”

“No. I have work to do.” Tommy shuts his eyes firmly for half a second and wills his hands to stop shaking before he bends and reaches out to lift one of the boxes off the floor. He fails miserably and Adam bats his hands away gently. “Let me take that for you.”

Tommy grinds his teeth together hard and hisses. “Will you knock it off? I’m perfectly capable of doing that myself.” He takes the box from Adam and crosses the floor, telling himself the whole way to the bookcases he aiming for that he is not running away from his feelings or the confrontation. He’s not. He’s working.

“Tommy, please. At least tell me what I can do to make you talk to me again, please.” Adam sounds wrecked and it does things to Tommy’s state of mind it really, really shouldn’t.  Adam deserves to be a little wrecked when he fucking took all Tommy loved away from him with stupid misplaced kisses. Tommy does his best to ignore the fuck out of him, no matter how sad Adam sounds.  Unfortunately, Adam isn’t that easily dismissed. “I miss my best friend, Tommy. I don’t feel like I can talk to Dani or Mia for that matter and I miss _you_!”

“You should have thought about that before you fucked up.” Tommy mutters to himself but dumb as he is he also sneaks a peak at Adam when he puts the box on the floor by the bookcase and of cause Adam catches him. Adam holds his eyes captive and begs. “Tommy, I love you and I don’t want to lose you.”

The word ‘love’ rattles through Tommy’s brain and shatters the determination he just used to shut up and ignore Adam’s sneak attack. Because really, who loves someone and then fools around with others? “Guess what? You did.” Tommy says shakily. “Can you just please get out of my way? I have to put these up on the shelves.”

Adam looks at Tommy with big, big blue eyes, reaches out and puts a hand on Tommy’s lower arm. “Tommy, please? I’ll do whatever you’d like me to do.”

Tommy shivers from the touch and yanks his arm from Adam’s hand. The touch fuels his anger again and without meaning to, he ends up yelling. “Do? Don’t you think you _did_ enough already? Speaking off-- How is what’s his name?”

He might as well have slapped Adam across the face judging by Adam's reaction. “Brad? He’s fin-”

For Adam to even start to answer what was clearly a sarcastic question is just unbelievable. Tommy almost chokes on the bitter laughter threatening to claw its way out of his throat. “What the hell you were thinking? I mean don’t you know me at all?”

Adam blinks. “Of course I do.”

“Then what on earth possessed you to think it would be okay to kiss another dude five minutes after I was out the door?”

“It didn’t happen that soon.” Adam argues and Tommy kind of wants to hit him right where it’d hurt the most.

“It doesn’t fucking matter when it happened. Damn it Adam, do you remember Abigail? That whole messed up thing we went through because I didn’t want to hurt either of you?!”

Adam nods and looks at the floor.

“Didn’t that little argument we had about promises and such give you any clue to how I’d be feeling about you cheating on me? You can’t tell me you thought much about me while you were busy being swept off your feet by some pretty son of a bitch.”

Adam raises his gaze and meets Tommy’s. “Sure, I thought of you and I missed you like _crazy_.”

Tommy can’t believe his ears and his voice drips with irony when he replies. “Oh, so it was because you missed me?!” Tommy looks at Adam, daring him to speak, but this time Adam wisely keeps his mouth shut. “May I remind you that I know what it’s like to have someone chasing your tail? Abigail was relentless and you didn’t want to touch me and acted like a spoiled kid the whole fucking time but still I had no problems staying faithful.”

Adam doesn’t answer right away and Tommy lets his eyes wander away in an attempt to calm himself and ends up looking straight into a pair of very familiar green eyes. Nate.

 “But you weren’t attracted to her.” Funny, Adam's voice sounds sorry, but his words speak louder.

Tommy sighs and tears his eyes from Nate’s to look at Adam again; who is frustratingly far from understanding what Tommy wants from him. “What’s not to like about her appearance? She’s beautiful, but I’m _in love_ with _you_ and my head is so full of _you_ it isn’t even funny, so it’s not really an option to _do somebody else_.”

Nate comes over and says in an ‘I’m so sorry but I really need your help’ tone of voice, “Hey, I don’t mean to interrupt, but can you help me find this book?” He looks pointedly at Tommy and pushes a note into his hand. Tommy looks at the note expecting to find a title but it’s a hastily scribbled ‘want help to get out of this?’

“Yeah, sure Nate.” He says and walks off with Nate in tow to the other side of the store obviously leaving Adam behind but feeling Adam's eyes on him the entire way. Just because it feels good to rub it in, he decides not to bother dragging Nate behind a bookcase. Adam deserves to see that Nate wanted to talk to him and that he didn't actually need help finding a book.

To Tommy’s satisfaction Nate doesn’t even give Adam a second glance, he just grabs both of Tommy's hands in his. “Jesus, you’re trembling.”

“I know, I’m so pissed right now. He switched hours so he could talk to me.” Tommy looks over at Adam; who is looking right back with what looks a lot like nervousness and jealousy. “It feels like a total ambush. Why doesn’t he understand that I don’t want to talk? And it’s not like he’s even ready to see what he did wrong or willing to apologize. I’m so angry at him I can’t even…”

Nate pulls him for a hug and Tommy surrenders to it immediately, clinging to Nate as if his life depended on it. “Are you gonna be okay?” Nate whispers. “Do you want me to stay?”

“I can’t ask you to do that.”

Tommy lets go of the embrace but Nate keeps him close, putting their foreheads together. “You’re not, I’m offering. I can see, _feel_ how much this is getting to you. Let me be there for you.”

“Yeah it is, damn it, but I can hold it together for a couple of hours, right? I just have to focus on work instead of him being here.”  They withdraw from each other and Tommy shoots Adam a look, and damn it, Adam is wiping a tear from his eye and that hurts. Seeing Adam sad always fucking hurt and it’s sort of really killing Tommy that for obvious reasons he can’t be the one to comfort him and that is so not fair. Fuck his life.

“Tommy, look at me.” Tommy does as told and looks up into Nate’s searching gaze. “If you’re honest isn’t it just a little bit good to see him?”

And Jesus, fuck Nate for being so damn good at seeing right through him. “Yeah.”

“Maybe you need to tell him what it is you need from him. Might be just the thing to get you two moving forward again?”

“Really? Are you taking his side?” Tommy asks and glares at Nate.

Nate smiles reassuringly and cradles Tommy’s jaw, a thumb caressing his cheek. “No. I want you to be happy and you wouldn’t be this riled up if you didn’t still love him.”

Tommy sighs heavily. “I do, I think I always will and that’s what’s making it so hard to be near him.”

“Would it help if I find the book I actually came here to buy and I put my ass down with a cup of coffee and read a chapter or two of it while you go back to work? I could be a buffer between you two.”

It’s a sweet offer and Tommy knows it’s a real one. Nate would totally do that if Tommy so much as shrugs at the idea. “I guess I can’t tell you not to, can I?”

“Sure you can, but this way you can at least send me a ‘the world is mean to me’ look once in a while and if you’re lucky, I’ll actually see it.” Nate chuckles.

Tommy shakes his head. “I’ll be okay and if not you can pick up the pieces of me before we watch the movie we’re supposed to see together later.”

Nate’s hand sneaks around Tommy’s neck and draws him in for a lingering kiss on the top of his head. “Deal.” Nate sends him a tender smile and goes to off to find his book.

Two seconds later Adam is by his side, jealousy burning in his voice. “What’s he doing here?”

“Buying a book?” Tommy raises a daring brow, secretly enjoying the way Adam’s gaze throws daggers at Nate.

“Didn’t look like that to me. Since when does he get to hug and kiss you like that? How much time have you been spending with him?”

It might feel good to know Adam still feels possessive but Adam has to fucking earn the right to ask those types of questions. “None of your fucking business! You lost every right you had to ask me stuff like that the minute you decided to lock lips with what’s his name.” Tommy snarls. 

"Tommy?" Tommy jerks his head in Nate's direction when he calls his name from the door. “Yes?”

“It’s my time to bring the snack, what do you want?” Nate winks.

Tommy snorts. “Nothing.”

“Just me then?” Nate asks, voice laced with innuendo.

“Just you.” Tommy doesn’t fight the smile breaking out over his face. Nate is evil, wonderful evil.  Nate waves and then he’s out the door and Tommy has nothing but Adam to focus on.

“Are you dating him?” Adam asks sounding kind of timid.

“No, not yet anyway.” Tommy says honestly, because dating Nate is something Tommy could see himself doing, if he ever stops loving Adam and craving his touch. And Nate flirts all the time, it might be in an innocent ‘I want you to feel good’ kind of way but Tommy thinks if he wanted to date, Nate would be on board with that.

“Do you… want to?” Adam asks and this time he looks really devastated and a little bit scared.

“You know what? I’m not gonna answer that or any other question you might have. I have work to do and so have you. If you want to talk to me then think about what you did and how to fix it. That’s all I want. And until you do, accept that I’m moving on with my life.” He sends Adam a pointed look and goes to get started on shelving some books, hoping Adam actually listens and will go home thinking up some kind of apology for being an ass of epic proportions.

***

Another week passes and Adam still doesn’t text Tommy any magical words of apology.

“Tommy Joe!” Mia calls and Tommy hears her trot down the hall to his room, she flops down on his bed the same moment Nate appears in the doorway. Tommy grins and closes his laptop and puts it under his bed. Carrie burning down the town can wait a bit. “Hi guys. What are you doing here?” He rolls back onto his bed and Mia gives him a messy hello kiss right on the lips.

Nate takes the chair by Tommy’s desk, sits down and sighs while he glares at Mia. “Mia had the wonderful idea we should go see a movie tonight and I agreed thinking it’d just be, like the two of us, but before I knew it she had already talked to the girls and _they_ decided to drag me off to see the new romantic chick flick, what’s it called?”

Mia’s brilliant laughter fills the room, bouncing of the walls. “On the Other Side of the Mountains.”

Nate rolls his eyes mockingly and looks pleadingly at Tommy. “I complained about the lack of testosterone and that I might not survive such a low level so Mia suggested we should ask you. Please come with us?”

“I don’t think so.” Tommy says quietly and bites his lip. He’s kind of disappointed Mia would suggest a thing like that.

“Please?” Mia says. “You haven’t been out and about since you came home from Hawaii.”

She’s right. It’s been almost seven weeks since Adam and Tommy’s breakup and he’s still hiding most of the time either on the job or at Mia’s place. Fact is, he knows he needs to start going out with his friends again but he really feels she’s being an insensitive little bitch right now. “But a romantic movie? Mia? Please use your fucking brain for, like two seconds, I can’t do that.”

The second the words are out of his mouth Mia looks crushed. “God sorry, of course not.”

Tommy shrugs it off because that’s what he does and looks at Nate apologetically. “I’m sorry about the testosterone level though.”

Nate looks sympathetic and then he frowns in the way Tommy has come to learn means Nate's plotting something. Nate can be annoyingly brilliant at times and judging by the look of mischief starting to sparkle in his eyes he's just thought of something that’ll either get Tommy in trouble or Nate out of it. “How about we all go to the movie theater and we make sure the girls go see their sugar induced movie and we catch one of the John Wayne movies in the Classic Film fest? And meet up with the girls after?”

“There’s a John Wayne-”

Mia laughs and slaps the back of Nate’s head lightly. “Now you got him spinning around in circles. Dude, never say that name unless you really mean it.”

“But I do mean it.” Nate says grinning and looking at Tommy joyfully.  “John Wayne is badass.”

“Oh my god, I think I love you.” Tommy giggles.

Putting a palm over his heart and faux groaning Nate asks, “Why didn’t I think of this sooner?”

Tommy cannot believe Nate is into the Duke, how fucking lucky can one be when picking new friends? “No seriously, you think the Duke is rad?” Nate nods violently, making Tommy laugh gleefully. “Can I, like, marry you?”

“Sure if you’ll have my babies.”

Mia snorts and Tommy pats his hips. “I think these are too narrow for that.”

Nate sighs deep and theatrically. “Damn, marriage is off then.”

***

Two hours later Mia and Tommy are waiting in the lobby for the rest of their little crowd to be done buying snacks. Nate was adamant about getting the snacks for Tommy. Which was weirding Tommy out because it made it feel a little bit like a date but he decided he was being silly, so now they're biding their time, chatting.

That’s when he hears a very familiar laugh and sees Adam coming toward him with an arm slung around Brad’s slim shoulders. They look happy and cozy. Tommy is fairly sure they haven’t seen him but it doesn’t make the sight of Adam’s arm around Brad easier and Tommy can’t fucking breathe.

The thought that Mia knew about this hits him hard and he glares at her. “Did you know-”

She pales visibly. “No, of course not.”

“Because if you did, I swear to God I’m kicking your ass. I get that you want us to get along but this is…”

Mia looks utterly hurt. “Why would I do that?”

Tommy drags a hand through his hair. “I dunno, you keep throwing these hints all the time and I’m starting to think you sympathize more with him than me. Which is bullshit ‘coz you’re supposed to be my friend.”

“Shit Tommy, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to do that and I am. I’d never set you up like this.” Mia throws her arms around his shoulders and squeezes him tightly, he hugs back forcefully.

“Shit. I’m so not up for this.” He chokes out and Mia hugs him even tighter.

Sometimes the world is just cruel, though and Adam’s sweet voice greets them hesitantly. “Hi.”

Tommy pulls himself out of Mia’s arms and meets Adam’s gaze. “Hi.”

Thankfully Adam is not touching Brad anymore, he has shoved his hands in his pockets and looks about as uncomfortable as Tommy feels. “It’s good to see you. How are you?” Adam asks and shoots Mia an uncertain look too.

“Peachy.” Tommy says because really, what the hell is he supposed to say. Adam had looked so fucking happy and it was clear to Tommy that Adam and Brad were out on a date, because they sure as hell looked it. Tommy feels like the only reason his heart isn’t shattered all over the floor is because his chest is clenching so tightly around it that he’s in actual physical pain. If his legs would cooperate he would be running out the door right now. Except he's frozen, glued in place so to speak.

“Here you go hot stuff, Coke and salty popcorn.” Nate’s warm voice says and something cold and wet-ish is pushed into his hand. He looks away from Adam and up into Nate’s eyes. “Perfect, thanks.” Tommy says and tries to smile but he knows Nate isn’t buying it.

“Hi Adam.” Nate says and offers Adam his hand, Brad only gets a tiny nod, nothing more. Adam doesn’t make any effort to introduce him either but shakes Nate’s hand. “Nate.”

Nate puts his M&M’s in his jacket pocket and Tommy’s popcorn in his other hand. Nate’s arm settles around the small of Tommy’s back, his hand resting on his hip. Tommy leans into the comfort Nate’s offering.

“What are you going to see?” Adam looks at Tommy, when he asks and it’s pretty damn obvious that he’s trying to make some kind of small talk to break the ice. Tommy can’t actually form words right now, though because Brad is leaning into Adam's side and looking at Tommy.

Tommy’s brain does pick up on the fact that Adam isn’t doing anything to keep Brad there, there’s no arm around his middle or shoulders. Adam’s hands are still buried deep in his pockets. But fuck, it still hurts beyond reason.

Adam’s eyes narrow and fixate on Nate’s hand loosely cupping the curve of Tommy’s hip and then skips to Tommy’s gaze when Nate answers the question Tommy already forgot. “Tommy and I are going to see Rio Bravo; the girls are off to see some sugar induced coma disguised as a chick flick.”

“Oh. Yeah, we’re here for that too.” Adam says, still looking at Tommy.

“Rio Bravo?” Tommy chirps because there’s no way in hell he’s letting Nate drag him into the same theater as Adam and Brad.

“No, the other one.” Adam answers with a pained look.

A loud voice behind them announces that the doors are open for Rio Bravo and Nate squeezes Tommy’s shoulder and says softly,  “That’s us."  A bit louder he says, "Have fun Adam.”

Nate leans in to kiss Mia’s cheek. “Meet out here later?” she nods and stays with Adam when Nate gently guides Tommy out of there.

“Breathe, sweetheart.” Nate says and Tommy looks up at him and does as he's told. He pulls a deep inhale into his lungs and feels the tightness in his chest give a little and even more with the exhale. The way Nate is looking at him with calm reassurance and a little bit of mischief isn’t hurting either. “ Wanna give him something to think about?” Nate asks, winking.

Tommy lips curl up into a smile, it’s impossible not to return the one Nate is wearing anyway. The damn fucker’s mood is infectious like that. “Like what?”

“Like this.” Nate drops his hand from Tommy’s hip to his ass and hooks a thumb into Tommy’s back pocket.

Tommy giggles. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“Maybe he was all the good excuse I needed to grope your ass.” Nate jokes and wiggles his brows, sending Tommy into a new round of giggles. “I have no ass.”

“I disagree.” Nate says and points Tommy to their seats. Tommy flops down and attacks his popcorn while Nate sits down. A comfortable silence settles between them and Tommy’s mind wanders back to Adam and the way he looked, the regret and hurt and jealousy in his eyes, when he saw Nate’s arm resting on his shoulder. Then his mind jumps to the way Adam looked with Brad before they noticed Tommy and whatever Adam might have been feeling becomes pointless.

Determined to enjoy the movie he leans into Nate’s side and focuses on the big screen. 

The film is rad, Tommy already knew that but seeing it like this kinda blew Tommy’s mind and high on that he bumps hips with Nate on their way back to the waiting area in the lobby. “Man, I love that movie.”

Nate laughs and puts a heavy hand on Tommy’s hip to keep him close. Tommy leans in and blushes when Nate says, “Obviously, you knew every line in it.”

“It rocked on the big screen. Wayne is my hero. He didn’t give one fuck about what people thought of him. I think that’s awesome.” Tommy tries to catch Nate’s gaze but he’s busy looking at something behind Tommy but Tommy can’t be bothered to check what it is not when he’s tucked nicely into Nate’s side and he can see Mia grinning at him from across the lobby.

“I dunno about that, I think it’d be more fun watching it with you in your bed, cuddling.” Nate's comment is a bit too loud for Tommy's ear only and it make Tommy twist around to see if he can figure out what Nate was looking at just seconds ago. “But yeah you’re right about Wayne,” Nate says a bit lower when Adam brushes past them with a clearly displeased Brad on tow. Tommy frowns, confused, a million thoughts spinning around in his head at once.

“Hmm… I guess somebody got jealous.” Nate kisses Tommy’s temple and smirks.

Tommy stops in his tracks and faces Nate. He sighs and bites down on his lower lip contemplating on just how to say what he's thinking. Nate waits patiently and Tommy sees him wave Mia and the rest of the girls off when they start to move closer.

Words start tumbling out of Tommy’s mouth the second they look at each other again. “I can’t figure you out. I’m torn between thinking you’re just my friend and thinking you want more but then I could swear you’re trying to provoke Adam into doing something or trying to make us talk and fix things. I need to know what it is.” Tommy pauses to catch his breath. “So? What is it?”

Nate fingers twitch like he wants to touch Tommy but instead of doing that he pushes his hands into his back pockets. He looks relaxed and so, so open. “What do you want it to be?”

Tommy smiles. “Don’t try and answer with a question. Just … answer.”

“I _am_ your friend; I certainly wouldn’t mind being more, and if I thought you wanted it and were ready for it I would love for us to date. I could easily fall in love with you, but you’re in love with Adam and I want you to be happy and get what you want… even if that means Adam, so yeah I hope you two figure things out.”

“Um.” Tommy has no idea what to say about that but his heart is thumping heavily in his chest and he knows, he fucking knows that if it weren’t for Adam then he could fall in love with Nate too just as easily.

“You draw the lines in the sand. If, at some point, you want to do the friends with benefits thing then we can do that too. Just tell me if things change along the way, okay?” Nate breaks eye contact and drops his gaze to the floor.

Tommy shakes his head a little as if that will make what Nate is saying fall into place. It doesn’t, and all Tommy can think of is that Nate is pretty much offering him anything he could want without asking for anything in return. In Tommy’s experience people don’t do that, they want or need something.

He needs to see what Nate is thinking so he brings his hand up and lifts Nate’s chin with two fingers and asks. “That’s like an all you can eat buffet. Are you sure that’s it. I mean what’s your motive for that?”

Nate licks his lips and Tommy watches, the thought about how it would feel to chase it with his own skitters through his mind. “Basically yeah.” Nate confirms and looks away. “And obviously I’m into you but I’m not that much of an asshole to actually try and take advantage of you being vulnerable.”

Tommy blinks and tries to clears his head. “Oh.”

Nate snorts and pokes Tommy’s chest with a firm finger. “It’s not like I’m not enjoying myself here and please don’t overthink it Tommy.”

“Okay, I won’t.”

This time it’s Nate that shakes his head. “Then stop doing it. I can see your brain working overtime, don’t melt it.” Tommy snorts softly at that and Nate makes a gesture with his hand, silently asking Tommy if they’re done and can join the girls. Tommy nods. Halfway across the room he sneaks a glance at Nate. “So I can like, um hold your hand now even though…”

“Adam’s not here?” Nate continues knowingly. Tommy swallows and nods carefully. “Hmm. You do it with Mia all the time too, right? So if you want to.” Nate says and offers Tommy his hand.

“Yeah I want to.” Tommy grabs Nate’s hand and is a little bit relieved when Nate doesn’t try to lace their fingers together. He just wants the connection, to feel important and maybe even wanted and if Nate tells him not to overthink it; he isn’t gonna.

Nate smiles softly at him and squeezes his hand lightly. Tommy’s heart beats a little bit faster and he looks away only to meet Mia’s eyes.

Her gaze drops to their hands and up again and defiance rises in him. “What?” he prompts with a raised brow.

“Nothing, was the film good?” she hurries to say and puts on a smile for him. Tommy nods and sighs, he can’t shake the feeling she’s a bit disappointed in him. But they’re just holding hands for fuck's sake and it’s his fucking business not hers anyway.


	4. Chapter 4

Tommy’s birthday is a week later and Mia swings by the Ratliff house bright and early. Tommy is lucky enough to have the day off because working full time means more time off on the weekends. Hoofuckingray and he has promised himself not to get out of bed before noon and then spend the rest of the time slacking off with his family. His awesome mom has promised to make him tacos for dinner and to drop him off later at the college dorm where Nate lives so they can celebrate their shared birthday together. So Mia totally takes him by surprise when she pounces on him, while he’s half asleep and half analyzing the somewhat innocent goodnight kiss that happened the night before with Nate.

The squeal he makes is totally manly and so is the way he snuggles the shit out of her when she’s done tickling him and collapsed beside him. They stay quiet and close for a while and it feels so fucking good and normal that he almost drifts off to sleep again before Mia pokes his side and whispers to him. “Happy birthday.”

“Thanks.”

“I have something for you.”

Tommy grins. “Yeah? Gimme.”

Mia twists around and snatches a bag she left by the bed before scaring the shit out of him. She hands it over and Tommy situates himself so they are facing each other, sitting crossed legged, knees bumping into one another. Tommy unwraps the present and fucking hell! Mia got him a M*A*S*H DVD box set and a matching t-shirt. Tommy reaches out and pulls her into a hug. “Thank you. I love it.” he tries to swallow past the lump in his throat but it won’t budge.

Mia just smiles knowingly and kisses his cheek. “You’re welcome baby.” She reaches into the bag again and this time her smile is uncertain. “I have one more to give you.”

The careful expression on her face prompts a question. “Um… what’s this?” Tommy slowly turns the small gift over and looks at Mia expectantly. 

“It’s from Adam.”

Tommy drops the gift into Mia’s lap as if it were on fire. “You can take that back where it came from.”

Mia lifts it up and holds it out to Tommy. “Don’t you want to open it? See what it is?”

Tommy shakes his head in denial. “Nope. If he doesn’t have the balls to deliver it on his own-”

Mia sighs heavily. “But you don’t want to see him.”

Tommy puts his hands on the mattress and leans back, letting his arms carry his weight. He shoots Mia a dark look. “And you know what else I don’t want?”

“No?” she puts the present away and looks at him, waiting.

 “You, meddling all the fucking time. Leave it be, Mia.” He sighs, he really doesn’t want to say this, he hates confrontations, but even he has limits and Mia has been skirting them for a while. “Or at least stop constantly trying to make me feel guilty. I didn’t cheat. He did.”

Mia looks hurt. “I’m not trying to-”

Tommy snorts. “So you were perfectly okay with Nate and me holding hands the other day?” Mia doesn’t answer when Tommy pauses. He fucking knew it. “You didn’t get all disappointed in me when we went out without you last night, to grab a pizza and a movie?”

“No. Of course not.”

“Must be me then.” Tommy says and wonders how she’ll take the next part. “But if you’re all okay with that then you won’t mind me kissing him goodnight either.”

Mia’s eyes widen and Tommy actually enjoys that. Ha, she can run back to Adam with that.

 “Tommy.” Mia says and sighs and if that’s not disappointment then what the fuck is it?

“See, I fucking knew it. Why are you on Adam’s side in this?”

“I’m not.” She denies. “He messed up and he’s an ass for hurting you and he really should get down on his bleeding knees and beg for mercy. I'll be the first to admit that and I hope he’ll realize that soon. But I’m just worried that you're jumping into this too fast and that you’re not ready for something new. You’re still hung up on Adam. And Nate…" she sighs. "I love him too and Tommy, if you can’t see he’s falling for you, then you’re dumb. Don’t play with his feelings, okay? And for your information, I asked him the same thing because, to be honest?  You’re not strong enough to know what the hell you’re getting into.”

Tommy blinks in surprise, that was definitely not what he expected her to say. “I don’t want to hurt him either and we talked… we’re honest about what this means. I’m not toying with him-”

Mia nods. “No, you might be honest, but he is not. If he were, you wouldn’t be going out with him again tonight.”

“We kissed goodnight Mia.” Tommy says, deflated. “It wasn’t a big deal and it’s his birthday, too and it’s a party, not even a birthday one, at the dorm. How more innocent and friend-like can it get? It’s not like we’re having a make out session in his bed. He’s gonna have like most of his friends there and-”

Mia interrupts his explanations with a softly spoken question. “Do you love Adam?”

Tommy doesn’t say anything but stares at Mia and sucks in his lower lip. 

“Why don’t you try and fix things with him then?”

“You know why.”

“And if he apologizes and shows you that he truly regrets what he did?”

“I don’t know, Mia.” Tommy admits and swallows a deep breath before fessing up the next thing on his mind. “I know that Nate makes me feel good and safe and wanted. I think we could be good together.”

The smile Mia sends him is a tad sad. “Yeah, I do too, if it weren’t because of your obvious feelings for Adam.”

Tommy hates that she’s right. He’s not over Adam and at this point he’s seriously starting to believe he never will be, but fuck that. It’s his birthday and he’s gonna make the best of it and spending it with Nate sounds really good.

***

When Tommy finds Nate the party is well underway and crowded. The dorm is haphazardly decorated and it makes Tommy think of teen movies about frat parties and he chuckles delightfully. Normally, he’d hate this. It’s too crowded and too shallow and too loud but he’s sort of excited about seeing Nate. So when he spots a familiar back, brown hair and broad shoulders it’s all fine. He pushes through the crowd, and taps Nate’s shoulder lightly. “Hey. Happy birthday.” He yells over the music.

Nate light’s up like the sun. “Tommy!” Nate’s eyes rake over him and the look of pure unadulterated male appreciation makes Tommy feel warm and tingly and vindicated for dressing up and spending an embarrassingly long time on getting his hair and makeup just right.

“Wow, you look amazing.”

Tommy realizes it feels pretty good to be on the receiving end of a compliment like that when he’s spent weeks feeling like the unsexy dumped ex-boyfriend. He briefly wonders about when he started to take Nate’s flirting more serious, but doesn’t come up with an answer. “Thanks. So do you.” “Happy birthday.” Nate grins and opens his arms. “Gimme a hug?”

Tommy happily obliges and sighs contentedly when Nate closes his arms around him.

“Come on, let me introduce you to some of the guys.” Nate grabs Tommy’s hand to drag him off to meet whoever they stumble across.

The next hour or so Nate introduces Tommy to so many people he will never remember them all, but Nate looks happy and carefree and that's what matters. His hand never leaves the small of Tommy’s back and it makes Tommy feel good a way he didn’t expect, like he’s wanted and maybe even desired. He doesn’t really want to think about what that means but it doesn’t feel wrong at all so he goes with it.

At some point, a ridiculously huge grin appears on Nate’s face and his hand drops from Tommy’s back to come up and wrap around a smaller dude’s neck. Tommy watches curiously as they hug each other tight and long before Nate turns to introduce Tommy. “This is Peter; another fellow book geek. Peter, this is Tommy.”

Once again, Tommy offers his hand to a complete stranger and the reserved look in Peter’s gaze disturbs him a little. It’s like Peter is weighing him and finding him too light or something. Peter doesn’t sound unfriendly but there’s a hint of coldness in his voice when he responds. “Oh hi, I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Oh.” Tommy says, whishing he could say the same and by the look of it Peter would have liked that too. Nate seems totally oblivious to the tension in the air and leaves the boys to get drinks. It’s like two steps away and he’s back within the blink of an eye but to Tommy it feels like an eternity.

Nate offers Tommy a Coke but what Tommy really wants is one of the beers. “Um… can I have one of those?”

“Yeah, sure.” Nate says easily and switches their bottles. “It’s not like you’re going anywhere? I mean you’re staying, right?”

Tommy sips his beer and sideeyes Peter; who’s busy rolling his eyes. “Yeah, I’m staying. I can like, crash on the floor or something if you got like, a blanket. Already told Mom I’m staying out.”

Tommy watches how Peter lets Nate wordlessly know that he’s moving on to talk to someone else with a light squeeze to his shoulder. Nate doesn’t respond, he's busy looking at something over Tommy’s shoulder. “On the floor. Gottcha.” He says and Tommy feels a bit guilty when he catches the hint of disappointment in Nate’s voice.

“Nate… It’s not like… we’re friends right? And I don’t want to mess that up. I mean… whatever this is?  It feels good but...” Tommy's voice trails off unsure of how to tell Nate that he doesn’t want to hurt him and that he’s pretty sure it would mean more than just a good time to Nate if Tommy didn’t spend the night on the floor.

“Yeah. I told you. Whatever you want just let me know okay?” Nate says and meets Tommy’s look.

Tommy sighs. “At the risk of sounding like a complete self-absorbed ass… are you sure you won’t get hurt if we…”

“Do the friends with benefits thing? I have hopes but no expectations. Let’s leave it at that.”

“I don’t want to hurt you. And Mia says-”

Nate stops Tommy with a finger pressed to his lips. “Mia should stop putting her nose where it doesn’t belong. And you’re overthinking things again. Stop it and let’s have some fun okay. We deserve it.”

Stern green eyes hold Tommy's eyes captive until Tommy agrees. “Yeah, okay.”

They don’t talk more about it and when they cross the hall to go talk to one of Nate’s friends Tommy is the one that grabs Nate’s hand and twines their fingers together.

***

“Come dance with me.” Nate demands a few hours later.

“I don’t dance.”  Tommy replies and gets ready to dig his heels into the floor.

Nate pecks his lips ever so lightly and grins. “You do now. C’mere.” Tommy is pulled against Nate’s body and okay maybe dancing wasn’t the worst idea ever. Tommy’s arms come up and around Nate’s neck on their own and he lets Nate take control and move them to the music.

“Damn, you’re pretty.”

Tommy snorts. “You’re drunk.”

“Tipsy, not drunk.”

“Under the influence.” Tommy giggles.

“Of your pretty, yeah.” Nate says matter of factly. He looks at Tommy for a long time. “Birthday kiss?”

Tommy doesn’t answer, he pushes up and Nate meets him half way. It’s nothing like kissing Adam. There’s no immediate lust burning up his veins, no all-consuming fire and need to get naked right the fuck now. It is nice, though and it definitely wakes his body up and makes his cock twitch with arousal when Nate deepens the kiss. Tommy lets Nate’s thigh slip between his own and moans into the kiss when he feels Nate’s obvious excitement against his hip. God, it’s good to be touched like this again. To be wanted.

“Fuck Tommy.” Nate groans when the kiss ends. “You’re gonna be the end of me. Why can’t you be _mine_?”

“I…”

“It was rhetorical baby. It’s just you’re sorta perfect, yanno?” Nate says softly and Tommy buries his head in his neck. “I wish I'd gotten to you first, man, I would have been so good to you.”

Tommy is starting to think that too. He could have loved Nate if he’d met him first and then there wouldn’t have been heartache all around. Tommy looks up to tell him that but when he does his eyes skitter across the room and lock onto a pair of familiar blue ones filled with pain. Adam. Guilt surges in and Tommy lets go of Nate but then angrily reminds himself that he’s got nothing to be ashamed off. “The hell?” Tommy splutters.

“Tommy?” Nate asks and turns to see what got Tommy’s attention.

“What’s Adam doing here?” Tommy mutters but when Nate sends him an apologetic look he knows he’s got no right asking that. “Never mind, I know I’m on his turf.”

Nate looks at Tommy. “Hey, don’t mind him.”

Tommy doesn’t want to, he wants to ignore Adam’s presence but Adam is already moving towards them. “Not gonna be that easy.” Tommy says in resignation and shoots Nate a nervous look.

“Hi, can we talk?” Adam asks, twisting his fingers that way that always makes Tommy want to grab them and entwine them with his own to keep them from harm. Tonight’s no different which pisses Tommy off.

“Got something new to say? Like you’re sorry?”

“Please, Tommy. I just want to talk.”

Adam sounds so small and Tommy’s heart clenches, but he's not about to let Adam see that. “Fine,” he hisses, before looking at Nate and in a much calmer tone says, “I’ll be right back.”

Nate sends Adam a dark look before turning back to Tommy. “Should I come look for you in thirty if you’re not back?”

That makes Tommy smile, Nate is awesome like that. “Yeah, I might kill him and need help to hide his body. Asshole is big and heavy,” Tommy says not even bothering to keep his voice low.

**

Luck is with them and they find an empty room to talk in. The second the door closes behind them Adam wipes a tear from his eye and obnoxiously goes after Tommy. “You’re with Nate now? I guess you’re not nearly as heartbroken as the girls think when you’re swapping spit with him and clinging to him as if your life depended on it.”

“Fuck you. I’m not the one who ran off with the first pretty thing he saw the second his boyfriend was out the door.”

Adam sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “No, but you certainly seem to be enjoying yourself two and a half months later, and I’m sorry, okay?” Adam looks at Tommy and the pain Tommy sees in the depth of his gaze is, when truth be told, satisfying. “But I was so confused. Brad kept hitting on me and telling me how much he wanted me and he kept telling me that I should make sure this, us, was what I really wanted because we’re seventeen and-”

“Do you even hear yourself? Brad said?” Tommy snaps. “Abigail did exactly the same and I didn’t shove my tongue down her throat, did I? Every fucking time she touched me I brushed her off. Every fucking time she told me she wanted me, all I thought about was how much I wanted you. So excuse me for not feeling your apology or your pain.”

“I know that. I’m sorry Tommy. I’m so sorry but you were gone and-”

“You might as well have been. You didn’t touch me, didn’t even want to kiss me while all that stuff with Abby went down and you know what?” Tommy doesn’t even wait for Adam’s answer, he’s pissed and the words just flow.

“I bet it would have been easier if you had been on vacation because then I would at least have thought you wanted me. But noooooo, you shunned me, ignored me, and acted like a spoiled child, I felt so fucking unsure of myself that I didn’t even know how to act around you. It hurt, but still all I thought about was how to fix us and get back to where we were. Never once did I think about trying to convince you it would be okay for me to fuck around with both of you. See the difference?” This time Tommy stops and stares at Adam, waiting for an answer.

“Yeah. But Tommy, it was never about not wanting you, it was about feeling like I don’t really deserve you.”

“Damn right you don’t. I deserve someone that wants me and just me. I deserve someone that's going to respect me and not treat me like I'm second best.”

“You mean Nate?” Adam says brokenly.

“Maybe. I mean…” Tommy leans back against the wall, letting it carry his weight. “Maybe. I don’t know. He makes me feel wanted, desired, _needed_.”  His confession is weak, but it's like all the air just went out of him and now he's just drained.  Tonight was supposed to have been fun, not this ridiculous roller coaster of emotions.

“That’s the thing isn’t it…” Adam sounds just as tired and a whole lot more wrecked than Tommy." Brad did the same for me and-”

“I didn’t?  You didn't feel wanted with me?” God, Tommy hopes that’s not the case.

“Yes, oh my God yes, but you’re the first one to ever pay attention to me Tommy. No one ever did before you. I’d only ever crushed on guys from a distance and none of the boys I was attracted to ever saw me.”

Tommy’s mind flashes back to when they first met in Biology class, forced into being lab partners. He remembers Adam telling him about his crushes on straight dudes. His heart hurts at the memory of better times.

“… and then you come along and you’re this unbelievably cool person that kisses his friends because it’s cooler to show affection than not. A person who stands up for others and I’m just… me. And sometimes it’s so hard to believe why you’d want to be with me-”

Tommy wants to slap Adam for always thinking like that. “You’re like the dumbest-”

“And then we fight and make up and everything is good, oh so good, except you’re leaving and I’m spending time doing something I’m actually good at and this guy comes along that really, really makes it clear he thinks I’m made of awesome and…” Adam gasps for air and continues his hurried explanation. “I was sad that you were gone and I missed you and he made me feel… like I shouldn’t miss you so much but also wanted and perfect and I was a complete asshole but Tommy, please? Let me make it up to you. I’ll do whatever it takes. I need you.”

Tommy listens to it all, he actually kinda understands what Adam is saying. It’s still not okay but he knows how Adam’s twisted brain works most of the time and sometimes his lack of self-confidence makes him do crazy stuff and it sounds like that’s what happened. Brad must be one persuasive fucker, though. Then out of the blue something ugly suddenly hits Tommy. “Did Mia do this?”

“Mia? What do you mean?” Adam looks lost so maybe Mia didn’t have a hand in this.

Tommy clarifies anyway. “Did she tell you to come here apologizing?”

“No. A friend from my theater group is here tonight, she invited me. I saw you kissing Nate and…”

“Oh.” Tommy says, guilt rising in him again.

Adam must interpret it differently because tears well up in his eyes again. “I’m sorry Tommy. I’m so sorry I messed up. Is there any chance I can win you back?”

“Honestly? I don’t know Adam.” That's the best Tommy can offer at the moment.

A tear spills over and slides down Adam's cheek and Tommy desperately wants to catch it, so he puts his hands in his pockets instead.

“You don’t know because of Nate? I mean are you serious about him?”

“Adam.” Tommy starts only to be cut off.

“Okay. I get it…”

Tommy rests his head against the wall and looks up at the ceiling for a minute before meeting Adam’s hurt gaze. “No you don’t, you really, really don’t. I’m in love with you but that doesn’t mean I’m willing to just let you stomp all over me. Nate and me, we’re-”

“I won’t.” Adam promises.

“How do you expect me to believe that? How am I supposed to trust that you won’t get ‘confused’ and want to get ‘high’ on the feeling of someone new wanting your ass again next time something pretty comes along?”

“I… I don’t know. I learned my lesson, Tommy. I really did. I love you.”

Adam is actually begging and Tommy realizes that this isn’t really what he wanted at all. He thought it was, but now he realizes all he really wants is to be able to trust Adam again and that's gonna take time.

“I believe that. That you love me, you weren’t always good at showing me but some part of me knows, the bigger issue is that I don’t- ”

“Trust me.”

“Yeah, because you proved that.”

“God Tommy. Tell me what to do.”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you want me to give up and leave you alone?” Adam asks, his face pale, tears flowing freely down his face.

“No.” Tommy says because he doesn't but right now, this is killing him.

They stare at each other for a while, neither of them knowing what to do next. “Um…” Adam finally breaks the tension; he wipes his eyes and pulls something out of his pocket. “Mia returned this earlier today and I’ve been carrying it around ever since. Will you accept it if, you know, it’s me handing it over?” Adam holds out his palm and there’s the gift Tommy wouldn’t accept this morning.

“Yeah. Thank you.” Tommy carefully takes the present from Adam, making sure they don’t touch when he does. His hand closes around it and for a while he just looks at it.

“Open it? Please.”

Adam’s soft smile makes Tommy’s heart thud harder and he doesn’t fight it when he feels a smile of his own tug at the corner of his lips. “Yeah, okay.” Tommy opens the gift trying to keep his hands steady.  He does a pretty good job until he sees what Adam got him. “Oh… you… you remembered?” he looks up at Adam who is now smiling for real. Tommy lets a shaky finger trail over the bracelet. It’s made of leather and hardwood beads and it’s gorgeous and simple.

The first time he saw it had been on their first real date and it was love at first sight. He didn’t buy it though because he’d much rather spend his money on their cheesy dinner. “When did you buy this?”

“I bought it the day after you saw it. I mean the way you looked at it… how could I not? So I went back the next day and decided to give it to you on your birthday.”

Tommy chokes up, tears burning behind his eyes. “It’s… thank you.”

Adam takes the bracelet from Tommy’s hand and with a shy smile he closes it around Tommy’s wrist. “You’re welcome. Hug? Or is that not okay?” Adam asks softly.

A hug sounds good, so fucking good. “No, that’s okay.” Tommy says and Adam takes a step forward and then Adam’s strong arms are around him and nothing in the last eight weeks has felt so right or so good. Tommy clings to Adam with a neediness that surprises the fuck out of him and Adam returns it, burying his nose in Tommy’s hair and kissing him softly on the head while he whispers a broken, “Baby.”

How or why Tommy lets it happen is beyond him but when Adam’s kisses travel down his temple, cheek and land on his quivering lips Tommy kisses him back with everything he's got. Pushing his tongue into Adam’s mouth, he lets Adam devour him. There's no thinking, just hot burning need. With a thud he’s pushed back against the wall again and Adam’s body is the one holding him up. Tommy’s hands move into Adam’s hair to hold him in place and he whimpers into Adam’s kisses as they become more demanding.

When there’s a knock on the door Tommy’s poor Adam-seduced brain happily ignores it so it isn’t until actual words are spoken that Tommy somehow pulls out of the haze surrounding his head.

“Nate Dylan’s rescue 91… Oh. Um--sorry.”

Tommy lets go of Adam the same second his eyes meet Nate’s.

“I’ll just- yeah.” Nate stutters and fuck it if Tommy doesn’t feel guilty all over again only this time he actually deserves to feel it.

He pushes against Adam’s chest, feeling panic rising in him because of all the people in the world Nate is the last one he wanted to hurt. “Nate! Shit! Nate, wait!”

The door closes silently after Nate and Tommy twists and turns until Adam reluctantly lets him go. When Tommy runs towards the door Adam cries out after him. “Tommy!”

Tommy freezes for a second and glances back at Adam, the devastation on his face plain when he pleads, “Stay, please.”

“I’m sorry,” Tommy says with a sad smile and opens the door. “Oh fuck. _Nate!_ ” He yells and starts pushing through people in search of him.

The last place he checks is Nate's room, the door is closed but Tommy doesn’t knock, he just pushes it ajar. “Nate?”

“Yeah, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you-”

Tommy steps into the room and closes the door behind him, leaning against it. “No. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to go from you to him. I’m sorry. Christ, you must hate me right now.” Tommy puts his head in his palms and feels like the biggest ass on the face of the planet.

Nate gets up from his bed and goes to Tommy. “No, no I don’t hate you. I knew you wanted that. I knew it and you never made me think otherwise. I was just enjoying myself a little too much tonight.”

Tommy lowers his hands and looks at Nate, searches his face for the truth.

Nate smiles sadly. “It felt really good to have you in my arms, but you’re not mine.”

“I’m not his either.” Tommy states. “And what you saw was a mistake. A really fucking stupid mistake.”

“Why?”

“Because I need to trust him before we end up together again and because I’m a touch deprived needy little bastard who apparently isn’t any better than he is. I’m sorry that I hurt you. I know it means shit but I never meant to do that.”

Nate shakes his head and huffs out a sigh. “I like the trust thing I’m hearing, the other stuff not so much.”

Tommy shrugs it off and continues. “I walked in there thinking I could control myself but only ended up proving how much power he has over me and I just…”

When Tommy trails off Nate offers him an understanding smile. “He must have done something right.”

Tommy feels the weight of the bracelet around his wrist. “Yeah. He did. But fuck, I need something else to think about. I need to get him the fuck out of my head.”

“I can fix that? If you’ll let me.”

Nate moves closer, so carefully that Tommy starts to feel a bit like he’s some sort of wounded animal Nate is terrified of scaring away. Which is bullshit. He’s not the one with huge green eyes and too much hope shining in them. “I don’t think I should. Let you do that, I mean. That would totally be taking advantage of you. I don’t want to be that person.”

Nate snorts. “I bet some would argue it’s the other way around. I know Mia would.”

Tommy puts a palm on Nate’s chest, ignoring the heat he can feel and keeping him half a step away. “Isn’t this setting ourselves up for heartbreak?”

“We’re there already aren’t we? Just putting on a bandaid.” Nate brings a hand up and cups Tommy’ jaw gently. His eyes are fixed on Tommy’s lips and unconsciously Tommy darts his tongue out and licks them. Tommy lets his hand fall down to his side and whispers softly, “Those hurt when you rip them off, you know.”

Nate nods. “Hmm. Can I kiss you?”

“Yeah. If you still wanna.”

“Oh, I want to.”

Tommy's not dumb, he’ll admit to being a little naïve at times, but dumb he’s not. He fucking knows this is a bad idea and it’s for all the wrong reasons.  All those arguments fade away as Nate gently kisses him, coaxing small appreciative sounds from him and slowly but surely making him forget all about Adam. The kiss has Tommy's brain in a fog, only letting him focus on the here and now and it feels so fucking good.  Nate takes his time and Tommy feels treasured, wanted, _needed_.

Somehow they end up on the bed, clothes left behind in small heaps on the floor. Nate's above Tommy moving inside him with sweet little fucks, telling him how gorgeous he looks, how good he feels and how special he is and Tommy's mind shatters into a million pieces when he comes with Nate moaning into his neck and whispered words of _Oh God Tommy, you’re so good, so fucking good_.  Adam isn't even an afterthought, in fact, Adam is the last thing on Tommy’s mind.

***

Morning arrives bringing with it intrusive sunlight and brutal reality.

Nate is still asleep when Tommy wakes up. Their limbs are entwined and if it wasn’t for the absolute clarity of the epicness of which he fucked up last night, Tommy thinks it would have been the best way to wake up.

But Nate isn’t Adam. And Adam is who Tommy wants. Which pretty much makes Tommy the biggest dick on Earth. Tommy sneaks out of bed and puts on his clothes. When he looks at his phone it kindly reminds him to check his messages. He sits down on the floor, crosses his legs and looks at Nate sleeping for a long time before opening his text messages. He has a pretty good idea who they’re from. He isn’t disappointed. Adam has left him ten texts which, when he starts reading, he realizes is one long apology and ends with a _please give me a chance to earn your trust and love back._

Nate stirs and blinks bleary-eyed. He smiles soft and sleepy. “Morning, baby.”

Tommy swallows. “We need to talk.”

Nate’s smile swiftly changes to a sad one. “You’re taking him back, aren’t you?”

Tommy shrugs in apology. “I don’t know yet, but I’m gonna let him try. I … I love him Nate.”

“I know.”

“I understand if you don’t-”

Nate shakes his head, not letting Tommy carry on. “I’m not going anywhere. But maybe we shouldn’t do this again, you know.”

“Yeah. But-”

“Done talking about it, just let me have last night, okay? I’ll be fine.” Nate stands and pulls on his jeans.

Tommy’s phone buzzes and with an apologetic gaze at Nate first, he opens the text. _Can I see you today? Or are you with Nate? Love Adam_

Tommy looks up at Nate who’s pulling on his t-shirt with his back to Tommy. Tommy makes a quick decision. His thumb moves effortlessly over the screen, typing a fast reply _. Taking Nate out for breakfast now. I’ll be back home later, no plans so…_

Tommy gets off the floor and wraps his arms around Nate from behind. “I want pancakes and bacon and your company. Breakfast is on me.”

Nate turns around and hugs Tommy a little too tightly, clears his throat. “Okay, lead the way.”


	5. Chapter 5

Tommy’s craving for pancakes, bacon and good conversation leads them to a cozy little place Tommy’s family's frequented since he was little. When he walks through the door with Nate, Mrs. Gonzales greets him with her usual warm smile but curious eyes. He realizes he hasn’t been there since he and Adam broke up. Clearly the gossip lines are still working if the way Mrs. Gonzales keeps shooting looks at the two of them is any indication.

Tommy’s smile is determined and just because he can and because it’ll give the nosy fuckers in his neighborhood something to gossip about; he grabs Nate’s hand when he’s leading him to his favorite booth.

“Morning, Tommy Joe.” Mrs. Gonzales greets him sweetly; ready to scribble down their orders.

“Morning.”

“What can I tempt you and your friend with?”

Tommy returns her smile. “The usual and the biggest mug of coffee you can find me. Nate will have the same.” He sends Nate a daring look as he orders for him but Nate just smiles and nods his head. Apparently Nate isn’t going to object like Adam would. Usually Adam lets him win but that’s not the point. The point is Tommy really misses the bickering about such stuff, the fond affection that lies within it.

“No wonder you’re never growing taller. All that coffee is not good for you.” Mrs. Gonzales scolds Tommy teasingly and Tommy grins back at her.

“So tell me about Peter.”  As soon as she moves off, Tommy asks the question he's been wanting to ask since last night when he'd met him.

Nate looks absolutely perplexed. “Peter?”

“Hmm.” Tommy says and studies Nate thoughtfully.

“Um, okay what do you want to know?”

“I don’t know. Anything?”

“Okay. He’s a real good friend, loyal to the bone; he’s smart, sometimes too smart for his own good-”

“He’s good looking.” Tommy interjects with a wink.

Nate frowns and it takes him a second before he answers. “Yeah, I suppose so, I never really thought about that.”

“Dumbass.” Tommy chuckles.

The crease on Nate’s forehead grows and he looks completely lost. Tommy almost feels sorry for him. It’s obvious he has no clue about how Peter feels about him. The vibe Tommy got from Peter was pretty clear though.

“Why’s that?” Nate asks. “And why the sudden interest? I thought your taste in men was tall, broad, lean and black haired. Not the opposite.”

Tommy laughs a little; it doesn’t escape his notice that Nate didn’t say dark haired like himself. He lets it slide, thinking it’s for the better since they haven’t really talked enough about them and last night. “No, that’s your type, the opposite, I mean, and Adam’s a ginger actually.” Tommy says casually and immediately returns to what’s important. “How long have you known him, Peter, I mean?”

Nate’s focus is so not where Tommy wants it because his look is full of curiosity and his tone is full of disbelief. “Really he is?”

Tommy rolls his eyes. “Hmm. I like his hair dark but I adore his freckles.”

They both shut up when Mrs. Gonzales serves them their breakfast and coffee. Tommy inhales the glorious smell of pancakes and bacon and coffee. He captures Nate’s eyes over the edge of his cup and repeats his question. “How long?” he emphasizes both words and makes sure to look as stern as possible. It’s not easy to do though when he's barely restraining himself from gloating with a knowing smirk. He’s usually the clueless one and it feels damn good to be on the other side for once.

“Oh… Ten…” Nate makes a cute face as he searches his mind for the right answer and Tommy has such a hard time keeping a straight face that he shoves a bite of pancake in his mouth and chews carefully. “Oh wow. Fifteen years,” Nate finally says in wonder.

Tommy snorts and gets ready for the kill, he’s gonna tip Nate’s world, he’s sure of it. “That long, huh. And how long has he been in love with you?”

Nate laughs like that is the silliest thing he has ever heard. “We’re friends Tommy, childhood friends.” Nate focuses on something behind Tommy’s back and his laughter stops. “Freckles is here.”

“What?” Tommy says because, really what does that even mean.

“By the counter. Just thought I’d give you a heads up.” Nate's voice is low and soft, his green eyes filled with concern and maybe just a hint of sadness.

“What?!” Tommy’s phone buzzes just as he turns and catches Adam's eye. Adam lifts his hand and makes a little wiggly wave with his wrist, fingers curled around his phone. Tommy can’t hold back the annoyed frown on his face as his hand digs out his phone. He’s pretty sure the text he just received is from Adam.

He checks it and his heart makes one of those stupid and oh so familiar flip flops when he reads the one word text from Adam. _Later?_ It says. Tommy looks back at Adam and a nod he lets Adam know they’re on. Adam’s face lights up and he grabs his coffee to go and trots out the door.

“Did he know you’d be here?”

“I don’t see how he could’ve. I haven’t been in here for ages.”

“I thought he’d come over, that’s usually his thing, isn’t it?”

Nate sounds a little withdrawn and Tommy kind of hates that. “He’s gonna come by later and talk. I’m sure he knows not to piss up the wrong tree right now.” Tommy shrugs dismissively and hoping he right. 

Nate nods thoughtfully before returning to his pancakes with a dedication that tells Tommy he doesn’t want to look at him. His next question clarifies why. “Are you going to tell him about last night?”

“I don’t plan to,” Tommy says softly. “I mean what happened was between you and me, right?”

“Yeah.” Nate looks up. “But what if he asks?”

“Then I’ll tell, I’ll never lie to him.”

Nate goes back to dissecting his pancakes. “It’ll hurt him. Trust me, I know.”

Tommy reaches across the table and takes Nate’s hand. “We didn’t do anything wrong. Well, _I_ sorta did but not to him; I’m not with him so it’s not like I was the unfaithful one. Adam knows I’ll never lie to him so if he asks he better be ready to handle the answer.”

“Yeah.”

Tommy squeezes Nate’s hand before letting go. “Back to Peter! Don’t think I didn’t notice how you dodged my question. How long has he been in love with you?”

Nate shakes his head before sipping his coffee. “He’s not. Why would you even think that?”

“Uh huh, that’s why I got the evil eye last night when you introduced us.” Tommy grins around a piece of bacon.

“What?”

Tommy makes a suggestive wiggle with his eyebrows. “And it’s not like he thought we were actually together or anything.”

Nate drops his gaze. “He knows… about you.”

Tommy leans back. “Which sorta proves my point.” Nate still doesn’t meet Tommy’s eyes and shrugs. “Just think about it.” says Tommy.

Nate nods and they eat in silence for a while. Nate’s silence and discomfort after Adam showed up is killing Tommy, though. “Nate?”

“Yeah?”

“Maybe we should talk about us?” Tommy suggests.

“Why?” Nate asks. “What’s to talk about? I regret nothing.”

“I know but maybe we should talk about boundaries? I mean obviously last night can’t happen again and maybe we shouldn’t- I dunno, be so affectionate? I mean hugs are good but maybe cuddles are not?” Tommy kind of hates how unsure he sounds but he doesn't have all the answer and they need to figure this out so neither of them get hurt.

Nate sighs. “We are who we are Tommy. I don’t want to change a thing. We both know it's just a friendship thing so what’s the big deal?”

“The big deal is that I don’t want to be the one making you look like someone just killed your puppy.”

“I’m a big boy; let me worry about me, will you?”

“I just think-”

“Too much.” Nate interjects. “Yeah, we’ve established that more than once. Now eat your pancakes and bacon.” Nate smiles but the stern look he shoots Tommy leaves no room for arguments.

“Whatever,” Tommy chuckles. They’re gonna be okay.

***

Later, in the middle of the afternoon, Tommy finds himself staring intently at Adam slowly situating himself on the edge of Tommy's bed. Adam reaches out to touch the bracelet Tommy’s been wearing since he put it on him. Tommy’s skin tingles at the light touch of those fingers against his bare skin. Adam sees it, Tommy knows because there’s a hint of a smile trying to break free on Adam’s face in spite of the weird tension crackling in the air between them. “You’re wearing the bracelet.” Adam says.

Tommy could swear Adam’s eyes are shining with happiness over Tommy wearing the bracelet but he's trying his best to hide it because he won't meet Tommy's gaze.

“Yeah. I love it.” Tommy pulls his hand out of Adam's grasp. It feels too intimate and yet not nearly intimate enough. Tommy’s body practically hums with the anticipation of being this close to Adam again and he can almost feel the frantic kiss they shared last night still on his lips.  Adam looks up briefly and edges a bit closer. “I’m glad that you do. Did you have a nice breakfast with Nate?”

“Yup.” Tommy says, not particularly wanting to discuss breakfast or the reason for it with Adam. He can do the math on his own if he needs to. Tommy does want to know something else though. “And about that, why of all the places in the world did you get takeaway coffee there this morning. It’s a little out of your way isn’t it?”

Adam’s eyes grows huge. “I did know you’d be there, if that’s what you think. I swear Tommy. I was just walking home from Dani and wanted something hot to drink. That’s all.”

“Okay.”

An awkward silence fills the room.

“This is weird, isn’t it?” Adam says with a strained smile.

Tommy nods slowly. “Little bit.”

“What do you wanna do? Stay here or?” Adam points to the door with a small shrug of his shoulder.

Tommy wet his lips and bites down on the inside of his bottom lip. He scoots off the bed. “I don’t think that’s like, the smartest thing to do, stay here.” he eyes the bed.

Adam holds his palms up and away from himself. “I promise to keep my hands to myself.”  He's obviously trying to look like innocence itself but the sparks of mischief in his eyes give him away.

Tommy snorts, there’s no point in trying to ignore the obvious here. “You’re not the only one I don’t trust. Mind if we sit outside?”

Adam shakes his head, stands in one gracious move Tommy could never even try to copy and follows Tommy out of the room through the house. “Porch sounds great.”

Tommy makes a stop in the kitchen and snags them two Cokes. When he gets outside Adam is sitting on the steps leading down into the garden instead of one of the chairs. Tommy’s heart swells knowing Adam picked that spot because Tommy loves it.

Tommy hands Adam one of the Coke cans and sits down next to him. Months ago Tommy would have sat close enough for them to touch as much a possible without actually being in Adam’s lap and he’d have rested his head on Adam’s shoulder, pressing soft kisses to as much skin as he could reach whenever the need surged.

Now there’s no touching and Tommy can barely feel the heat he knows is radiating off Adam. Tommy sighs miserably and sips his Coke.

“Tommy?” Adam sounds hesitant, like he doesn’t really know how to start talking.

Tommy hums and meets Adam’s eyes.

“I need to know… things ended kinda bad last night and I need to know if you and Nate are together and all you’re offering is your friendship?” Adam pauses and shifts his body uneasily, eyes darting away and back to Tommy’s. “Or if this means you’re considering getting back together with me, I just… you seem really close and I need to know. I don’t want to fuck up whatever this is and I probably will if I don’t know our boundaries.” Adam breaks their eye contact and swallows a huge gulp of Coke.

Tommy really hates that Adam looks so uncomfortable, like he’s about to crawl right out of his skin. But he realizes that if there ever was a time to stand his ground and not give in to his urge to smooth things over and please Adam to the best of his abilities, this is it.

To make sure Adam really gets the message he’s about to deliver he shoots Adam a stern ‘I won’t tolerate any bullshit’ look. “Nate and I are not boyfriends. You’re right though, we’re close; he’s a really good friend and you have to know that I’m not letting that friendship go, no matter where you and I end up. I won’t tolerate you doing that jealousy bullshit you pulled on me with Abigail, okay?”

“Okay.” Adam agrees so fast it makes Tommy smile. Slowly Adam mirrors it. “Nate stays. I won’t try and change what you two have.”

“Good.”

“I, um, have to point out that he seems to want more than friendship. Please don’t hate me for saying that.”

Tommy shrugs. “Yeah, he does but we have an understanding on that subject. It’s ours to handle.”

Adam nods and averts his gaze from Tommy’s and stares at his boots. “But where does that leave us?”

 “I don’t know Adam. You really fucking hurt me, you know? When you betray someone's trust it’s not regained with a couple of 'I'm sorry's'. You kinda have to work at it and earn it back. All I can tell you right now is that I need time and I need to know shit like that isn't going to happen again if we’re together. I’m willing to talk and listen.” Tommy flips the little piece of metal on the top of the can enough times to twist it off. He bites down on it, anxiously waiting for Adam to respond.

“So we’re working on getting back together?” Adam sends him a hopeful look and Tommy’s heart rate speeds up.

There are fucking butterflies in his stomach but he’s not entirely ready to let go of his anger yet and he’s smart enough to know that butterflies don't mean he can trust Adam. Funny how his mouth completely betrays him. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

“For what it’s worth I know what an epic fool I was. _I know_. I wish I could tell you what went wrong, like, pin point it... I think the thing with Abigail shook me more than I thought.”

Tommy blinks in surprise. “How? I wasn’t about to do something stupid, Adam. I tried to tell you.”

Adam nods; he bends enough to grasp a blade of grass and toys with it.“I know. But I realized how important you are to me. I understood that I wasn’t “just” in love,” Adam makes air quotes, the grass stuck between his fingers, making Tommy want to snort. “I _love_ you and I think when I actually got the message that you want or you know, wanted to be with me-it just- well it felt too good to be true. I’m not brave like you are; I get insecure about everything but being on stage. I kept waiting for you to wake up and see the real me. It scared the hell out of me when you left for Hawaii.”

Tommy stands and throws his hands up in the air in frustration. “That’s just- I do see you! I see a complete loveable dork driven by passion. I see the light and love in your soul, I see _you_. You’re amazing Adam. And you’re gorgeous on the outside, too. I mean, look at you! All tall, broad and lean and just perfect. You rock my world in ways no one else ever has.”

Adam looks completely dumbfounded and Tommy deflates immediately. He shoves his hands into the pockets of his hoodie and sinks down next to Adam on the step. When he speaks again it in a soft loving tone. “And when you look at me with those ridiculously beautiful blue eyes you light up my world. I see the real you, you’re the one that doesn’t. And that hurts, you know? Because I love the guy I see, I wish you could too.”

Adam moves so he’s facing Tommy. “I’m sorry. I’m working on it. This summer did me good I think, being on stage. I’ve grown and even though it might sound stupid and even hurtful, I think the thing with Brad taught me something too.”

Tommy’s heart clenches, Adam was right, it did hurt. “That’s … good, I suppose.”

“I don’t mean me being an idiot and letting myself ruin us. That part was really, really self-destructive. No, I mean, it did something to my self-worth to be pursued. I shouldn’t have craved that so much, I should have been wise enough to enjoy us and stand my ground like you did with Abigail but-”

“I get it. I do.” Tommy interrupts. “Maybe I wasn’t good enough, didn't tell you how much I loved you enough, but you need to tell me those things. I can’t meet your needs if you don’t tell me.”

Adam huffs out a snort. “We both need to be better at that.”

“Yeah.” Tommy knows this, he fucking knows how epically bad he is at voicing his own insecurities and desires. He’s just not a demanding person.  Adam has a point though, he needs to learn to speak up more.

The silence grows between them while they nurse their lukewarm Cokes.  Adam is the first to break it. “I’ve been wondering about something. How did Abigail react to you being single?”

“Abigail?” Tommy stares at Adam. “I don’t know, I haven’t seen her why?”

“Just wondering.”

“Oh.” Tommy says and tries to leave it there. It works like five seconds. “Now I’m kinda curious.”

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and talking with Dani…” Adam trails off and looks away.

“About?”

“How I messed up.”

“And?” Tommy prompts.

“I realize I did exactly what I was so scared you’d do with her.”

Tommy nods. Fucking finally. Tommy has been waiting to hear that since the first day a text about Brad appeared on his phone. “Yeah, you really did. I kinda understand why. Not why you thought it was a good idea to make out with Brad and leave the guy that actually does love you behind. But I get how you sometimes do stupid things because you’re insecure, and scared about not being good enough. I do the same thing. And I’m so sorry I made you feel like that.”

This time Adam’s the one that gets up and paces in frustration in front of Tommy. “Oh no, Tommy, you didn’t fuck up, I did. I did the exact thing I was terrified you’d do to me with Abigail. And my behavior back then was the reason you got insecure in the first place. Mia actually pointed that out to me. I should have talked to you about it right away but… I guess that was my first big fuck up.”

Tommy lets out a shaky sigh. “We both fucked up. I really shouldn’t have gotten on an airplane to Hawaii before we had gotten all those things out of the way.”

Adam sits down again; he’s closes some of the gap between them and Tommy can actually feel the warmth of him. “That wasn’t really your choice baby. I’m so, so sorry about everything Tommy. Do you believe that?” Adam’s eyes beg Tommy to believe him. 

Fuck his life he does. He really does. “Yeah, I do.”

“And I love you so much.”

Tommy feels tears prickling. He blinks rapidly and bites his lips hard to focus on something else. “I believe that too.”

Adam stares at him for the longest time, Tommy wants to squirm but he lets Adam look. After a while Adam reaches out and folds his hand around one of Tommy’s. He squeezes gently. “This okay?”

“Yeah.” Tommy looks at their hands, their fingers are not entwined and Tommy’s fingers are itching to do so. Thankfully his brain is a bit wiser than his body so he doesn’t let them. Thing is there’s still the issue of Brad. A whole other thing is if Tommy is ready to deal with the answers to what’s tumbling around in his mind. “Um…”

“What?” Adam asks softly.

Tommy sighs and closes his eyes. He’s hiding, he knows that, but Adam can see straight through him and what he's about to ask is hard, but if they're ever going to move forward they need everything out in the open. “I don’t know if I should ask you, to be honest.” he whispers.

“Why? You can ask me anything.” Adam squeezes his hand, urging him on.

“Not sure I really want the answer.”

“Oh.” Adam replies, but it's obvious he's still curious.

“Fuck, I’m setting myself up for heartbreak here but… are you still… fooling around with Brad? I mean as long as we’re not an item I can’t really object and I won’t but-”

Adam looks beyond guilty and miserable. “We’re not anymore. I’m determined to prove to you that you're the one for me and that I'm mature enough not to let my dick make my decisions.”

“… your choice or his?” Tommy feels like a needy bitch for asking but he’s got to know if Adam really wants this. He doesn't think he can survive finding out that it was Brad's choice and he's Adam's consolation prize.

“My choice. I know it doesn’t necessarily ring clear, but it was my choice.”

Tommy makes a relieved little sound. Adam looks at him with a tender yet cautious smile and laces their fingers together. “Okay.” Tommy breathes out. He doesn’t necessarily know what he said okay to, the explanation, or permission for Adam to hold his hand like that. It doesn’t matter though because in this very moment he’s happy. He scoots a little closer and without thinking too much about it he leans in and rests his head on Adam’s shoulder.

 

***

Things aren't miraculously solved, they both know that, but they've taken a step in the right direction.  When Adam leaves to go home for dinner, they don't kiss goodbye and they don't even make plans to see each other the next day. They're not together, but what they are, whatever it is, feels good. Tommy's happy and Adam beams when Dia finds them on the porch right before he leaves. 

Tommy should have known it was the calm before the storm, because nothing that good ever lasts long.  Brad proves it when he ruins what little bit of progress they've made in a spectacular way the next day.

When Brad shows up at the book store the next day, Tommy is the only one available to help him. Brad stands there pushing a book across the counter with a sour expression on his face. With no way to escape; Tommy scans the book’s barcode and Brad smacks the money on the counter loud enough to make Tommy jump. “I want to know what the hell it is you do.” Brad hisses at him, his eyes sending daggers Tommy's way.

Tommy is pretty sure that if looks could kill, he’d be a stone cold corpse on the floor by now. He snatches the money off the counter and slides the change back using only his fingertips. “Excuse me?”

“How do you get them so wrapped around your little finger that they see nothing but you?”

“What are you even talking about?”

Brad might not be a big guy but he’s actually pretty scary when he’s pissed. “Adam obviously! We were having fun and then you bat those eyelashes at him once and my fun stops. What the fuck does he see in you? You’re not _that_ pretty.”

This is his work place and Tommy knows he should remain professions, but he's had it. He plants his palms on the counter and leans closer to Brad, smirking coldly. “Could it be that maybe I just give a fuck about people’s feelings? Have you tried that one?”

Brad looks like Tommy bitch-slapped him across the face. “Feisty little bitch aren’t you? Well, at least I got a couple of really good fucks out of him before you lured him right back in.”

“What?” Tommy says backing away in shock.

A look of victory flashes over Brad’s face and he goes for the obvious kill. “Oh, he failed to mention that, didn’t he? I bet he didn’t tell you how far we went while you were in Hawaii, too. Shame on him. I guess you’re welcome to have his unfaithful ass again.”

Tommy fights the trembling he can feel starting up in his hands.  It might be caused by rage but there's no way he's going to give Brad the satisfaction of knowing he's hurt him. “I think it would be wise of you to take your purchase and go.” Tommy pushes the book over the counter with force, making Brad catch it before it falls off the counter. “Now.”

Brad smirks when he grabs the book and saunters out the door.


	6. Chapter 6

By the time Tommy gets home he's so far beyond anger, his body is wound tight with fury. He slams the door to his room, flopping onto his bed and growling into his pillow before throwing it across his room, knocking several things over in the process. Fucking Brad and fucking stupid Adam. The sound of books and CD covers falling to the floor is satisfying but not nearly enough to let go of all the tension in his bones. He fucking knew it. He knew when he saw them that day in Adam’s room, he just didn’t want to admit it to himself and now he has to deal with the numerous mental pictures of Adam tumbling around in his bed with Brad. He’s so pissed, pissed that Adam did that, pissed that he can’t control his fucking brain enough to close off those images. Pissed that he didn’t let himself go there when it already hurt the most and could have let Mia scoop him up and take care of him. He’s not breaking again, he won’t. It’s his own damn fault for not being man enough to do the math when Adam called admitting to kissing Brad while Tommy was in Hawaii. A new wave of fury hits him. Adam lied to him when he asked if they’d done more, fucking lied.

It takes Tommy a long while before the anger seeps into something else. The pain over losing Adam to Brad is so fucking hurtful. And he curses himself for feeling that way, nothing has changed since this morning. Kisses or fucks, it really shouldn’t matter, trust was broken and that is what they’re working at restoring now.

His mind is a mess. He wants to write it all down in his journal but he’s constantly wavering between being pissed all over again and wallowing in sadness, so he puts it off. Eventually, he pulls himself together enough to strip off his clothes until he’s in briefs and a t-shirt. He grabs the remote, turns on the TV and curls into himself under his duvet. He doesn’t really see what’s on, but the mindless noise in the background is nice. He has no idea how long he stays like that, an hour? Two, he thinks when there’s a knock on the door and Nate pushes the door ajar. Nate takes one look at him caution fills his voice. “Tommy, are you okay?”

Tommy nods his head. He’s not talking about this, not even to Nate. “Yeah.”

Nate walks closer, studying Tommy closely. “You’re closed off, and you’re watching…” he eyes the TV with a pointed look, “a _reality_ show. Yeah, I’m not buying that.”

Tommy snorts. Nate toes of his shoes and lifts the duvet. “Scoot.”

Tommy does as told and the second Nate looks comfortable he buries his pride and snuggles right into his side, resting his head on Nate’s chest. Nate brings an arm up and around Tommy’s shoulder, draws a slow soothing caress on Tommy's shoulder. “Tell me.”

Tommy sighs. “Nothing to tell. I let someone hurt me and I can’t even bitch about it because it wasn’t like I didn’t already have a pretty valid suspicion.”

“Who? And what suspicion?” Nate prods. “Tommy?”

“Brad was kind enough to visit the bookstore today.”

“That doesn’t sound good. What happened?”

“He wanted to know what my game was; like I’m anything like him.” Tommy feels anger building in him all over again, but Nate chooses that exact moment to kiss his head and a surge of warmth flows through him.

He looks up at Nate through his lashes and smiles bitterly. “Apparently he found it necessary to tell me about his rounds in the sheets with Adam. His last words were that Adam didn’t hold back even before we broke up, or at least he insinuated it. He was charming, really.”

“I’m sorry.”

Nate holds him tighter for a second and that loosens Tommy’s tongue. “Actually it’s Adam’s actions that hurt the most. My head is filled with unwanted pictures. Not a good place to be. But I can’t really blame him, Adam, I mean. It’s not like he did something I didn’t.”

“You mean sleeping with me?”

Tommy nods and settles back on Nate’s chest.

“But baby, you didn’t do that while you were in a relationship with him. I’d say you’re entitled to being upset about this.”

“Yeah, I guess. It’s just we had a really good talk yesterday and we’re supposed to be moving forward.  This feels like a set back and it hurts. It really fucking hurts.”

Nate hums, the sound is so damn comforting, that the warmth Tommy felt earlier starts to spread. Tommy’s phone starts buzzing and Nate twists to get it for Tommy. He hands it over without so much as a peek at who’s calling. Tommy groans loudly when he sees Adam’s obnoxiously happy face on the screen. “Man, his timing is rotten.” Tommy sits up fighting a sudden urge to throw his phone across the room.

“Adam?” Nate guesses.

“Yeah.”

“Maybe you should talk to him?” Nate suggests calmly. “I can stay if you want or leave you alone. But talk to him, get it out Tommy. You have to talk about it if you want to keep moving forward.” Nate begins to slide out of the bed but Tommy gabs on to him.

“Stay? And why do you have to be so logical?”

Nate nods and eyes the phone. Tommy pulls in a deep breath and answers it. “It’s me.”

“Hi baby. Are you free tonight? I was thinking we could spend some time together.” Adam sounds happy and carefree.

Tommy squeezes his eyes shut. “I really don’t want to see you tonight.” He says low, his voice shaking.

“Oh… why?”

“Because Brad was kind enough to enlighten me about your sex life and I’m really upset with you right now.” Admitting that almost causes tears, damnit.

“What?” Adam cries out. “When did you talk to him?”

Tommy tries to pull another calming breath into his lungs but it doesn’t really work. Nate grounds him a bit by snaking an arm around his shoulder and giving him a one-armed hug. “Does it really matter, Adam?  What's important is what he said made me realize you lied to me.” Tommy pauses; giving Adam a chance to cut in if he feels like it. When Adam doesn’t Tommy lets his stupid fear lead him. “Was he right? Oh for fuck's sake, did you fuck him before we broke up?”

“Is that what he said?” Adam sounds like he can’t believe his own ears but Tommy doesn’t care. The need to know drives him toward the edge like lemmings on the run.

“Just answer me, did you?”

“No, I didn’t.”

Tommy could swear Adam sounds guilty. “So, he was just being mean when he implied that you didn’t stop at kisses while I was in Hawaii?”

“No, not exactly.” Adam says warily. “Are you sure you really want to know this?”

Tommy is so, so not sure. “Yes. And I want complete honesty.”

“We- can we do this face to face instead?”

Forgetting Adam can’t see him Tommy shakes his head vigorously. “No, I really don’t want to see you right now. Just tell me and get it over with so I can deal with it, okay? If you didn’t fuck him, then what? Did you exchange handjobs or did you blow him?” Tommy is trembling, he’s so fucking hurt he can’t even control his body. Nate brings another arm around him, hugging him from behind and murmuring to him. “Take a deep breath and calm down. Getting angry with him doesn’t help.”

“Who’s there?” Adam asks.

“Nate. Answer me Adam, please.”

“Nate?” Adam says like his tasting the name on the tip of his tongue and Tommy honest to god doesn’t know if it’s because he’s jealous or trying to buy time but whatever it is Tommy’s patience is running low. “Adam!”

“…both.” Adam finally confesses.

“Goddamn it Adam. How could you?” Tommy demands.

“I-”

“Never mind.”

“Tommy please let me come over so we can talk. Please.” Adam begs but Tommy won’t budge.

“Not tonight. I need to get this out of my head before seeing you again.”

“This is why I didn’t tell you in the first place. Admitting kisses were bad enough and I didn’t want to cause more pain than necessary.”

Tommy sighs. “Maybe you should have. If you'd been honest with me from the start, then Brad wouldn't have been able to hurt me like he did today. You left me defenseless.”

“I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

“Better not.” Tommy isn’t even kidding; this is the last stunt Adam will ever get to pull on him. “Speaking of… when did you end it with him? I need to know.”

Devastating silence echoes through the phone. Tommy sinks into the cocoon of Nate’s embrace and steadies himself for what he thinks is coming. “Adam?”

“The other night, when I saw you kissing Nate.”

“Oh.” Tommy’s worst suspicion is confirmed.

“Can I please come over?”

“I just… I can’t tonight. It hurts too much and I’m too angry with you. I know I should be past it, but I’m not.  You lied to me and I find out just when we're trying to rebuild the trust between us.  I need time to think, time alone.”

“I’m so sorry Tommy.” Adam cries.

“Yeah, well. I’ll call, okay? Bye Adam.” Tommy doesn’t even wait for Adam to end the call and this time he submits to the urge to throw his phone, only not across the room just to the end of the bed where it bounces a few times. “Fuck!” Tommy twists around and buries his face in the crook of Nate’s neck, clinging to him in a needy hug.

Nate somehow gets them moved so they’re lying down. His hand runs up and down Tommy’s back, slipping under his T-shirt all nice and warm. “Shsss. It’s gonna be alright.” Nate whispers.

“I’m so stupid; I should have known it didn’t stop at kisses. I know him! I fucking should have known but I didn’t let myself go there. It was hard enough thinking about them kissing.”

“I know baby.” Nate shifts a bit, making it easier for Tommy to look into his eyes.

“He didn’t end things with Brad before our birthday. No wonder Brad was pissed.”

Nate hums in agreement. “He got dumped because Adam is in love with you. His pride is hurt, of course he’s angry. But that doesn’t justify what he did. I kind of pity him.” Nate presses a gentle kiss to Tommy’s forehead.

Tommy shrugs. “I can’t really care all that much. And I’m not so sure that’s why he ended it. Adam can have a real hard time controlling his jealousy and he doesn’t necessarily think before doing something when that feeling strikes. It might just be a pissing contest.”

“You don’t really believe that do you?"

"No," Tommy replies sullenly.

"I didn't think so. Just focus on sorting your head out and chasing those images away. Deep down I think you know what you really want.”

“Yeah, I know. Adam and I will get through this too.”

“Yeah, you will.” Nate says and cradles Tommy’s jaw, a thumb running lightly across his cheekbone.

Tommy surges up and presses an almost not there kiss to Nate lips. It’s not meant to be anything more than a thank you for being here kiss. But when he draws back Nate follows and the kiss quickly evolves to something completely different, something deeper, needier for both of them. Tommy gives into the kiss, letting Nate control it and for a while he gets a little lost in it. Kissing is fucking awesome. It’s just the wrong guy he’s kissing.

“This isn’t sorting anything out.” Tommy points out when Nate lets go of his lips to move down his neck.

“No, but I bet it helps with the images, right?” Nate mumbles between licks and kisses along Tommy’s jaw.

“It’s also complicating things.” Tommy says weakly when Nate rolls them so he’s on top.

“Maybe.” A hand grazes Tommy’s ribs, moving up. And Tommy’s lips are claimed in another wet kiss.

“Nate.”

“Hmm.”

“We agreed yesterday morning that this couldn’t happen again. It isn’t making either of us happy.” Tommy’s stupid hormonal teenage body obviously disagrees and arches to meet Nate’s when a thigh slides in between his own. Oh dear God that delicious friction is corruptive.

“I know, but it feels so good.” Nate whispers huskily, pressing their groins together and kisses Tommy again.

Tommy couldn’t agree more but this path will only lead to more heartache and Tommy doesn't think he can handle that. “Nate.” Tommy pushes faintly against Nate’s chest, but it’s enough for Nate to pull back and look at Tommy.

“Want me to stop?”

Tommy sucks his lips into his mouth and nods. “Yeah, yeah I do. For both our sakes.”

Nate drops his head to Tommy’s chest and whines. “Who’s the logical one now?”

Tommy chuckles and hugs Nate affectionately. Nate sighs and rolls off Tommy. “I better go home.”

Tommy watches as Nate pulls his shoes on and gets ready to leave.

“See you tomorrow?” Nate asks by the door looking so fucking hopeful that Tommy hates himself for saying, “I don’t know yet. Depends.”

“On Adam?”

“On me… and Adam.”

Nate nods and Tommy knows Nate truly understands. “Okay. Get some sleep okay?”

“Yeah.”

Nate smiles tenderly and turns to leave. But Tommy stops him. “Nate?”

“Hmm.”

“Are we okay? I mean…” Tommy pushes himself up into a sitting position and looks at Nate in worry.

“We’re fine. Thank you for looking out for me.” Nate shrugs and a strained laugh slips out. “Seems I can’t resist you.”

“Anytime.” Tommy says and winks. He hopes it’ll lighten the mood to joke about it.

Joking seemed to be the right thing to do. The next laugh that comes from Nate is a happier one. “Oh, hopefully I’ll learn on my own. Adam won’t be impressed if I don’t.”

Tommy is dead serious though when he says. “We already talked about that.”

Nate frowns adorably. “About what? Me?”

“Yes, you. He won’t try and come between us. And I wouldn’t let him if he did.”

Tommy sees something that looks very much like gratitude flash in Nate’s eyes before a teasing glint takes its place. “I highly doubt that, if I keep trying to get you out of your pants.”

“But you won’t.” Tommy states calmly.

Nate winks and blows Tommy a kiss from the door. “Night, Tommy Joe.”

“Night, Nate.”

***

It takes Tommy the better part of three days before reaching out to Adam again. In that time Adam hasn't tried to get Tommy talking, not one phone call or text.  If Tommy's honest with himself, he can't decide if that pisses him off, thinking maybe Adam should be trying harder, or if Adam listening to and actually respecting his wishes makes him start to trust Adam again.

Tommy knocks on the front door to the Lambert’s and waits. Leila answers the door and with a flick of her hand invites him inside. “Tommy, it’s so good to see you.”

He stays on the other side of the threshold, though. Leila shoots him a careful look.

“Is he home?”

“No, I’m afraid not.” Leila looks over her shoulder and up the stairs as if she’s willing Adam to appear before meeting Tommy’s gaze again. “Danielle needed help with something, I think. But he’ll be back later.”

Tommy takes a step back and shrugs dismissively. “Ah, okay. Maybe I’ll drop by later then.”

“Should I let him know you came here looking for him?”

He thinks about it for a second, weighing the pros and cons. “Yeah…yeah do that.”

He turns to leave when she stops him. “Tommy?”

“Yes?”

“Do you mind if I ask you what happened the other day?”

He shakes his head, he doesn’t mind. “But why?”

Leila looks concerned and when she closes some of the distance between them, closing the door behind her, Tommy knows Adam must have been upset. “Because Adam was pretty sad and it was a complete one-eighty from the day before. I thought that maybe you two were figuring things out but…”

“We are, it’s… it’s just not something that can be fixed overnight, that all. And that night upset the both of us pretty badly I guess.”

Leila puts her hand on his upper arm, squeezing it lightly. “You do know I’d listen to you right?”

Tommy looks away. “Yeah, but…” he shrugs again and meets her gaze, hoping she’ll understand it isn’t lack of trust that’s keeping him from spilling everything to her. Leila is a damn good listener.

She nods. “I’m his mom.”

“Yeah. And maybe you should hear it from him and not me.”

“It wasn’t about hearing it, Tommy. It was about giving you a place to complain if you need it.”

“Thanks.”

She pulls him in for a quick hug and lets him go immediately after. “I’ll let him know you were here. Are you going back home?”

“I think I’ll meet Mia and the others at the beach.”

“I’ll tell him that too.”

Tommy offers her a smile and a wave and sets off to find his friends at the beach.

***

Two hours later Tommy is on a fluffy towel he totally stole from Mia’s Mary fucking Poppins beach bag/basket, whatever, and leaning back on his elbows. He already told Mia and Nate about his talk with Leila and warned them that if Adam doesn’t show up then he'll probably go home soon~ish to see if he can catch him at home.

But for now he’s thoroughly enjoying the sight of Nate and how small rivulets of water run down Nate’s bare chest as he comes out of the water. Tiny drops clings to his sun kissed skin and when the sun hits them they sparkle like tiny drops of diamonds. Not that Tommy’s attention is stuck on them. Nate is nothing less than scorching hot and when Tommy’s gaze drops down he’s hit in the gut with what can only be called want. Tommy _wants_. He shouldn’t but he _does_ and Nate would make it so easy, all of it.

 “What’s the deal with you and Nate?” Mia asks quietly.

“Hmm? Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.”

Tommy turns his head to look at her. Her lips are curled in a wicked and knowing little smile and she raises her hand to wipe off some imaginary drool of his chin. “Oh baby, you were, just not to me.”

“What?” Tommy uses his best 'I'm innocent' voice but Mia just pins him with her best inquisitive stare.

“Are you two…” She pauses and wiggles her brows suggestively, “getting it on?”

To Tommy's utter horror, he actually blushes. Damn her, she knows him too well. Tommy looks away from her muttering, “I really don’t-”

“‘coz Nate won’t tell me.” Mia interjects as if that alone should make Tommy spill the beans immediately.

With a 'fuck off' glare, Tommy juts his chin out stubbornly and deliberately yanks her chain. “Maybe because your cute nose should stay out of it?”

His body betrays him though, his eyes seeking out Nate and his lips curling up into a secret smile.

Mia punches his shoulder fondly. “So you are. I thought so. Go you!”

Tommy is just about to slice her in two with something sassy and witty, really, because it was once and they are so not, but Nate is getting closer. The mischievous grin on his face and the way he moves, like a predator on the hunt, makes it painfully clear he’s about to get Tommy wet. Tommy has no intentions of going into the water or getting wet. He is not running hot-blooded like some freaks apparently are and he told both those bitches he stupidly calls his friends, exactly that when he arrived an hour ago.

Tommy waggles a finger at Nate. “Oh no, you’re not!”

But Nate, obnoxious fucker extraordinaire, closes the distance between them and lowers his head to shake off water. Tommy jumps off the towel and warns him. “Stay away from me. Nate! I swear to God if you do that.” He wiggles a stern finger but it doesn’t help all that much when you’re laughing, though.

Nate cants his head and carefully steps over Mia, who’s having a giggle fit of epic proportions, totally cheering Nate on. “Then what? Huh?”

Tommy backs, hands held up and palms away from himself and shaking his head. Nate smirks, he fucking smirks and points out. “You’re wearing too many clothes anyway.”

“No, I’m not, the freaking sun hates me, it’s chilly _and,_ ” Tommy tosses a look over his shoulder, making sure he isn’t gonna stumble on something in his escape attempt, “… no one here wants to look at my scrawny chest anyway.”

Nate looks Tommy over in one very telling gaze. “That's so not the truth and you know it. Lose the shirt and get in the water with me. It’s fun, really.”

“No.” Tommy says forcefully, laughter turning into a giggle.

“Tommy.”

Tommy is feeling a little brave and to be honest he’s really loving the look in Nate’s eyes a little too much. He echoes Nate's tone, with a little added bit of mockery. “Nate.”

Nate looks so freaking pleased at the playfulness in Tommy’s voice that Tommy’s heart skips a beat. The way Nate’s smile lights up his face isn’t helping, either. “Oh, you’re going in. Clothes or not.”

Tommy sticks his tongue out. “You’re gonna have to catch me first.”

And then he turns to make a run for it. He knows without a doubt Nate will take the challenge and he does. Yeah, Tommy’s stupid like that and the thing is Nate’s got really fucking long legs and Tommy doesn’t so it isn’t even a chase. Before Tommy gets out of the heavy dry sand and onto the wet Nate has picked him up and thrown him over his shoulder in one fluent move.

Tommy squirms and splutters. “Put me down, Oh my God. Nate.” Nate grins and as if Tommy is the tiniest little thing in the world Nate runs towards the water. Tommy smacks Nate’s ass, hard, right before he’s thrown head first into the waves.

Tommy seriously considers yanking down Nate’s swimming pants just because, but he rethinks it the second he realizes Nate would just do the same to him and that’s a hell to the no. They spend a minute splashing water at each other and laughing before Tommy starts getting cold and his teeth chatter. He's not the Viking Nate seems to be, so he backs out of the water. Nate follows, with a goofy victorious grin on his face and Tommy feels obligated to bitch a bit. “You fucking ass. Now I’m soaked.” He plucks at his wet and clingy t-shirt and scrunches his nose in disapproval.

Nate just laughs at him good-naturedly. “Well, I warned you, you could have taken off the shirt.”

“You wish.” Tommy shoots him a flat stare and on autopilot he starts walking towards Mia and the much needed and possibly heavenly deliciously warm, dry and fluffy towel.

Nate elbows him playfully in the ribs and winks. “Damn right.”

A very familiar voice mingles with theirs and Mia’s and Tommy snaps his gaze away from Nate’s. “Adam, hi.” He’s totally taken aback by Adam actually being there despite being the one who told Leila where he was going.

“Hi. You’re enjoying yourself I see?” Adam’s gaze jumps from Tommy to Nate and back again, but it's full of mirth so Tommy relaxes and elaborates. “Nate is just trying to get me out of my clothes and he fights dirty.” Nate snickers and Tommy flips him off.

“Well, who can blame him, really?” says Adam. He looks at Tommy for a while before asking quietly, “Can we talk?”

“Yeah, sure.” Tommy nods and snatches the towel. He wraps it around his shoulders to keep warm. The water was fucking cold and perhaps he should take off his wet t-shirt, but he’s not giving Nate that satisfaction. Bastard looks too smug as it is already.

Adam jerks his head towards the water and Tommy nods, giving Mia a quick ‘I’ll be back soon’ look before he follows Adam. “Mom told me you came by?” Adam glances at him sideways.

“Yeah.” Tommy admits and pulls the towel tighter.

Adam wets his lips and looks at Tommy with carefully restrained hope in his eyes. “Does that mean…”

“I’m still mad at you, for doing that. I am.” Tommy says in a stern tone, “And I keep picturing you with him, you know?”

The light goes out in Adam’s eyes and Tommy feels bad about it instantly.

“Yes.” Adam whispers.

Tommy sighs. “I just- it really felt like we were, I don’t know, finding each other again and this really threw me off.”

Adam nods, eyes on the sand at their feet. “I’m sor-”

“If you say you’re sorry one more time Adam, I’m gonna vomit. I can’t use that. I get it okay, that you feel bad. It’s just… sorry doesn’t change things, it doesn’t even keep you from doing it again and it certainly doesn’t make me feel like I’m- I don’t know… good enough? Sexy enough? To keep your interest.”

Adam’s head whips up and he finds Tommy’ eyes immediately. “Oh baby, that’s so not what it was about!”

Tommy shrugs. “No, I know it was about you feeling insecure, that you don’t think you deserve good things and you let others manipulate you like I can’t even believe. But you know what?”

“No?” Adam stops and looks at Tommy quizzically and very, very carefully.

Tommy steps closer and says softly but with a thread of steel to his voice, “Stop feeling sorry, grow up and take charge of your life.”

Adam snorts lightly and squares his shoulders. “I’m trying to and the first step is getting back the best thing that ever happened to me. And that’s you!”

Tommy can’t help it, a huge happy smile breaks free. “You sound a bit sure of yourself there, batman.”

Adam shrugs it off and with raised brows and certainty in his voice. “Well, isn’t that what you were telling me to do?”

Chuckling, Tommy agrees. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“I want to fix things. I want to be with you.” Adam announces with big honest eyes.

“About that…”

“What?”

Tommy hates having to admit his worries but there’s something Adam said the other night that keeps messing with Tommy and he needs to put a lid on it. “You’re not the only one feeling self-doubt and I really fucking need to know why you didn’t end it with Brad before my birthday.”

“Tommy.”

“I’m not entitled to bitch about you getting off with him when we’re not together. Really, it’s not about that. Does it hurt, sure, but that’s not why I’m asking.”

“Then why?”

“Because I need to know why you stopped it, you said you saw me kissing Nate and …” Tommy trails off unsure as to how to make Adam understand that he’s scared that it’s all about jealousy and not love.

“I did. But I ended it before that, same night.”

“But why?” Tommy demands to know.

“Because it didn’t feel right. All I thought about was you.”

Tommy’s heart makes a silly flip flop, stupid dumbass heart. “Really?” God, he wants to believe that.

Adam nods. “You’re all I ever think about.”

“Yeah, right,” Tommy snorts. “That’s why we’re in this mess.”

Adam laughs but it sounds humorless and sad. “I had a short, very short period of being unable to focus on the best thing in my life yeah, but Tommy when you came home-- and every minute since; you’ve been the one in my head even when…”

“You fucked him?” Tommy helps bitterly. He feels guilty as hell when he realizes that Adam was the last thing on his mind when Nate took him to bed on their birthday. One shouldn’t throw stones when living in a glasshouse.

“Even when I was with him. Yeah.” Adam looks out on the water and he seems to feel just as lost as Tommy does whenever they end up talking about this. It still hurts and it doesn’t help that they’re _both_ hurting.

Tommy shivers and pulls the towel closer; wishing Adam would put an arm around him, to warm his body and soul for a while. He doesn’t say it, though and Adam keeps his distance. “I want to believe you, but there’s a voice in my head that keeps telling me that the reason you called it quits was because you were jealous and just didn’t want to share with Nate. I think you showed me that time with Abigail that you’re not exactly good at coping with that particular feeling. A part of me is thinking this is more of a pissing contest than a real attempt at fixing things.”

Adam looks at Tommy, panic-stricken. “It’s not a pissing contest Tommy. It’s not. I promise. I was jealous. Oh my God, so freaking jealous! But I also know if I'm going to prove to you how much I've grown, I need to be able to show you that things like that won't get the best of me in the future…”

Adam's voice trails off and Tommy patiently waits for him to find his next words. When he does they’re rushed out. “Which sorta brings up a subject we already talked about, but seeing you today-do you want to be with Nate? Are you falling in love with him? I told you, if friendship is all we’re working at getting back to then you have to tell me. I mean I saw you two before, fooling around.” Adam stops the word vomit and looks away from Tommy. But Tommy saw the pain on Adam’s face and he wonders like hell what Adam thinks he saw.

“Saw us?” he asks quietly.

Adam kicks a seashell and starts digging a hole in the sand with the toe of his sneakers. “Yeah, I was walking down the beach when he shook his head and you jumped off the towel. I saw how happy you looked, I saw the chase down the beach and I heard your laughter when he threw you over his shoulder and ran towards the water. I saw it all, Tommy. I guess what I’m saying is if you’re falling in love with him then…”

“Then what?”

Adam looks seven kinds of miserable, the cocky confidence from minutes ago gone. “I want you to be happy. If it’s with him- fuck. I can’t believe I’m saying this but then go for it. I won’t try to win you back and I’ll do my best to be your friend.”

Tommy frowns, so confused. He understands the words but honestly, what the hell is that supposed to mean? If anyone should be throwing in the white towel it should be hiim, not Adam!

“What are you thinking?” Adam asks timidly.

“I can’t decide if you’re one: handing me off to another dude or two: if you’re actually all grown up and capable of not letting jealousy control you. Or three: if you just in fact don’t care enough to keep trying.”

“You want me to fight for you? I fucking will! You’re my everything. This is about what you want.”

“I don’t want you to _fight_ for me. I want you to believe in yourself enough to see what the rest of the world does, that you’re amazing, and I want you to make me believe that if we get back together that I’ll be enough for you.”

“So, we’re still working on that? Getting back together? Even after what Brad told you?”

“Yeah.”

“Thank God… And Nate?”

“What about him?” Tommy asks, wariness creeping up on him. He’s so not ready to let Nate go. For a second he wonders what that means, if Adam might be right, that he really is starting to fall for Nate. Or if this is how Brad made Adam feel. He realizes that even though their situations are very different that perhaps there’s similarity too. He shuts the disturbing thought off.

“Does he know? About us trying to get back together? ” Adam asks clueless to the stuff going on in Tommy’s head.

“Oh, yeah, of course. And he’s mostly the one responsible for me showing up at your doorstep today. He’s the one that kept telling me that being pissed wasn't going to help me get back what I wanted.”

Adam sends Tommy a thoughtful look. “I have to thank him then. He seems like a nice guy.” Tommy’s not stupid, he knows what Adam is saying is that he sees Tommy’s obvious love for Nate and knows not to get in the way. Tommy can live with that.

Adam sends Tommy a bright smile and Tommy mirrors it. “He is, you’ll love him when you get to know him. Honestly.”

“If you say so.”

Tommy nods knowingly and they start their short walk back to the others but Tommy stops Adam with a cold hand on his lower arm. “I have one more question.”

“Shoot.”

“Why didn’t you call me? I mean, not a peep out of you for three days. Why?”

Adam frowns. “You told me you couldn’t deal with me that you’d call when you could. I thought it was what you wanted. Space.”

“Yeah, it was. Maybe not what I wanted but what I needed.”

“Did I fuck up?”

“No, you did perfectly.” Tommy says, letting Adam’s pleased smile wash over him. When they start walking again, happiness starts to seep into Tommy's bones, satisfaction that they've made a tiny bit more progress. It makes him sneak his hand into Adam’s and when Adam laces their fingers together it feels right, just _right_.

His nerves spike when he meet's Nate's quizzical gaze, but then Nate smiles when he sees their joined hands and Tommy decides to ignore whatever it is Nate makes him feel and focus on Adam.


	7. Chapter 7

The next four weeks pass by in a blur. Adam manages to turn Tommy's world upside down again, this time in a good way. Mostly. Adam has pulled out all the stops and Tommy is kept on edge with small notes with love declarations, long letters of hope, dreams and regrets, none in e-mail form, but all handwritten in Adam’s significant swirly way. To top it off, they’re the thoughtful kind, the kind that make him think and if possible fall even more in love, which is all kinds of hard to deal with when he's trying to be rational and logical and _not_ driven by his emotions.

Tommy's asked out on dates that end on the doorstep of his childhood home and _don't_ end in anything even resembling a goodnight kiss, which sucks balls and not the fun way. He’s getting tiny inexpensive but attentive gifts that show just how much Adam cares and it makes Tommy want to throw caution to the wind and just give himself to Adam.

He doesn’t, though. And he’s kind of proud of his self-restraint because usually he has none when it comes to Adam and maybe that shows just how much he's grown too. He's better at asking for something for himself. However, for some stupid reason he can’t even put into words, all the overtures and Adam's equal show in restraint is starting to annoy him. He keeps waiting for Adam to make the first move and that just doesn’t happen.

Tommy doesn’t think he’s a manipulative person. True, he got Mia to write him an essay or two for English class. And he’s not above batting his eyelashes and fake pouting like a boss to get him out of watching a mindless chick flick in exchange for say, Edward Scissorhands. But as things are now he’s actually thinking of _plotting_ ways to get Adam to touch him without throwing himself at him, begging for any kind of physical affection.

The thing is that between Adam pretty much hogging every spare minute Tommy has had over the last few weeks, plus the severe lack of touching, Tommy misses Nate like crazy. Nate, however, has  been backing off and letting Adam and Tommy’s plans come first, ever since that day at the beach.

Nate's practically been running out the door the few times they had stuff planned and Adam joined them. It’s not like Tommy doesn’t appreciate the effort, he does, and they do talk on the phone a lot but he needs to decompress. Nate is fucking awesome at letting him do that, just happily let Tommy snuggle during a movie and let him just be. And Tommy needs that with his head so freaking full of Adam all the time. Apparently love doesn’t just make you blind but stupid sometimes too.

That’s what he tells himself at the end of the fourth week when plans are made with Nate, movie picked out and cuddles are happening and life might just be awesome.

Yup, Tommy is pretty sure of it when he’s in the middle of his bed, Nate on his right side with Tommy’s head resting on his chest, left leg and arm draped over Nate’s deliciously warm body and TV turned on. Peaceful is what it is. Nate echoes Tommy’s content sigh and ruffles Tommy’s hair. “Good?” He asks quietly.

Tommy glances up but sees nothing but Nate’s chin. “Perfect, thanks I needed this.” He knows he's not being fair to Nate, asking for this, but Nate’s the first to tell him it’s all good as long as he knows what Tommy expects from him and he _is_ just as cuddly by nature as Tommy. It’s not really an excuse and Tommy wants Nate to know he doesn’t take this for granted, that he greatly appreciates it. “I know I’m asking a lot of you.”

“Anytime, I told you that so many times it should have sunk in by now.”

“Yeah but-”

Nate’s hand in Tommy’s hair tightens and tugs lightly in a reprimand right before Nate cuts him off with a change of subject. “What’s Adam up to tonight?”

Tommy decides to let Nate have his way, he's too comfortable not to. “Dani had some sort of emergency; I’m thinking it’s most likely something like an outfit crisis. She's dating someone new, so that sounds the most plausible I guess.”

Nate hums softly, it almost sounds like a purr. “But that won’t take all night, will it?”

“I suppose not. Why?” Tommy glances up once again but he still can’t make eye contact with Nate.

There’s a quiet knock on the doorframe and Tommy cranes his neck to see who wants their attention and in walks Adam. “Hi. Got room for one more?” he asks, obviously taking in the way Tommy is wrapped around Nate.

Tommy’s body reacts immediately to Adam’s presence, his heart speeds up and tension zings though his body. There’s no way Nate doesn’t feel that.

“Because of that.” Nate whispers under his breath, right when Tommy invites Adam to stay, and so low that Tommy almost misses it. But he doesn’t and the disappointed edge in Nate’s tone makes Tommy end up feeling really bad about the way Nate gets caught in whatever drama is happening between Tommy and Adam right now, however unintentional it is.

Tommy shifts to look at Nate but Nate stubbornly refuses to meet his gaze. Instead, he looks at Adam and says in a very neutral voice, “Sure. We’re watching Halloween.”

Adam doesn’t even wince, instead a lopsided smile tugs at the corner of his lips. “Of course you are.”

When Adam toes off his boots and the mattress dips at the weight of an extra person Nate huffs out a barely audible sigh. “Maybe I should…” He pushes weakly at Tommy’s shoulder and inclines his head towards the door.

“It’s alright, enough space for all three of us.” Adam says in a sunny voice and situates himself so he’s close to Tommy but definitely not touching him. Tommy feels like screaming into his pillow or something like that. Adam is right _there_ and all Tommy can think about is how it feels like he might as well be on the other side of the room. He wants to touch goddamnit but it’s like Adam is putting up a wall whenever Tommy reaches out for him.

“Yeah Adam’s right, and how are you two gonna get to know each other if you never spend time together?” Tommy croaks out. “Besides, I’m very comfy here,” he makes a point out of snuggling even closer, wanting to assure Nate he’s still very much needed.

“You’re such a spoiled brat.” Nate says fondly and squeezes Tommy hard.

Tommy snorts and all his pent up frustrations get the better of him. “‘m not spoiled. It’s quite the opposite actually. Didn’t we already establish that I was in an urgent need of cuddles? Four weeks without cuddles is fucking torture.” He doesn’t look at Adam but the words are for him.

Adam shifts next to him and Tommy knows that Adam's figured that out.

Nate chuckles and releases his hold on Tommy. “I’m sure Adam can take over for me. I’m thinking maybe he really wants to.”

Tommy doesn’t make any attempts to move away, instead he shrugs. “Doubt it, when he’s had four weeks to do so and hasn't. I mean it’s pretty common knowledge that I’m beyond easy in the cuddles department, right?”

Immediately, Adam responds. “I didn’t think you’d want to.”

Tommy twists around to look at Adam but maintain his place at Nate's side. He lifts a mocking brow. “Really? Me? Not wanting to snuggle? Does the sun not rise in the east?”

They look at each other for a long time, Adam’s gaze open and searching. Tommy mirrors Adam’s slow smile as it grows on his face. “Well, when you say it like that. But it’s not like-- I always wanna cuddle you. Always.”

Tommy is practically vibrating out of his skin but he won’t make the first step, he won’t. He just made it painfully clear that he wanted Adam’s touches, craves them. “Okay.” He says and goes back to resting his head on Nate’s chest. Nate seems to hold his breath or something because he’s perfectly still, too still.

“Do you…?” Adam starts but pauses and fuck it if Tommy isn’t going to dignify that with an answer. He wants more than a half open question. He wants Adam to _do_ something. Anything as long as it’s _more._

“naw, it’s okay. Nate’s pretty awesome at this too.”

Nate’s chest heaves as he pulls in a deep impatient sigh. “Oh my God, you two are idiots. Tommy for fuck's sake, will you just get off me and curl up next to Adam the way we both know you want to. Stop trying to make me feel better by staying here. And stop punishing Adam for not knowing what to do. It isn’t helping any of us. You’re being a little shit and you know it.”

Tommy feels his cheeks heat in embarrassment. Nate is right but if anything it makes it even harder for Tommy to do what he really wants. He feels like hiding. He makes a weak attempt to do exactly that. “But-”

“Move it.” Nate says, gone is the annoyed tone but both his hands are raised, his palms up in a clear 'no more touching' message. He isn’t going to cuddle Tommy anymore tonight.

Tommy rolls so he’s on his back, staring up at the ceiling instead of doing as told. Maybe he didn’t want to be the one to initiate anything but at this point it’s not about that anymore. He just can’t, he doesn’t even know how to, he’s yearning so hard to bury himself in the warmth of Adam's arms, his scent, that he feels trapped in his own body, with no idea how to fix it.

That’s when Adam reaches out, cups his hand around Tommy’s elbow and gently pulls him around and towards him. Tommy unwillingly makes an almost pained sound and rolls into heaven on earth. He can’t meet Adam’s searching gaze, but fixes his own on the TV, all his feelings too close to the surface for him to let Adam in, too vulnerable to make that the last step and take the leap. Adam’s arms surround him and this is the best thing that has happened since that hectic and misplaced kiss they shared on Tommy’s birthday.

“Okay then, now can we please get back to the movie?” Nate asks.

“Sure.” Adam replies easily and tightens his arm around Tommy’s ribs and presses a kiss on the top of his head. Tommy closes his eyes and revels in in the proximity; Michael Myers is the _last_ thing on his mind.

***

Next day Mia stops by at the bookstore. They haven’t spent much time together over the last few weeks and she’s pretending to help him at work so she can talk to him. She’s been chattering on about her life, filling the silence because Tommy’s mood has hit a new low and he doesn't feel much like talking. Sure, he spent most of his evening yesterday curled around Adam, being held close and all but that was it! Adam left the same time as Nate, saying goodnight with a wave and a careful smile instead of the kiss Tommy craved. Nothing really changed.

He’s seen the worried looks Mia's been sending him the last hour but he still hasn’t told her the reason for his unusual silence. It’s not that he doesn’t want to tell her, he just doesn’t know how to start without sounding like a whiney indecisive asshole.

Mia sighs. “Enough’s enough Ratliff. Why the pouty face?”

“I’m not pouting. I’m just… in a mood.”

Mia gigglesnorts. “That time of the month huh, want chocolate with that?”

The joke is completely lost on Tommy. With a glare he hisses, “I’m not a fucking girl just because-”

Mia’s eyes grow huge and the laughter dissipates, replaced by concern. “Oh, that bad.” She pauses and a frown appears on her face. “Okay Tommy, really…” Another pause and Tommy recognizes her attempt to find the right words, which means he’s in for it. “I appreciate you being such a cute pouting introvert but maybe, just maybe, it would do you some good to talk about what’s eating at you.” Mia suggests carefully.

It’s her tone that does it, really. That and the love shining in her eyes, it unleashes the flood of words that has built up inside him and they start to flow with an ease he didn’t expect. “Four weeks! Four fucking weeks he's been dragging me out to ‘dates’, writing me poems and copying song lyrics.”

Tommy digs into his pocket and hands her a neatly folded paper read, folded and re-read so many times it’s barely hanging together anymore. “Like this one!” he says and urges her to read it.

Mia takes the letter from him tentatively and starts to read it, her mouth forming the words he knows by heart now. He recites them to himself as Mia reads them. Only in his head it’s Adam’s velvety voice that pours his heart out.

What if we were meant to be together  
What if you were meant to be the one  
I could hide a million years and try to believe  
That any time the ~~girl~~ man in mind will come and rescue me.  
  
'Cause you're the fire, you're the one  
But you'll never see the sun  
If you don't know, you're right next to the right one  
I could call it many names  
But it's myself I need to blame  
If you don't know, you're right next to the right one.

Mia looks up and Tommy looks pointedly at the letter. “Go on.”  
  
In the end you've got a friend for lifetime  
Truly there to truly care for you  
I know you cry a million tears so I want you to know  
That a pretty face can take you places, you don't wanna go  
  
'Cause you're the fire, you're the one  
But you'll never see the sun  
If you don't know, you're right next to the right one  
I could call it many names  
But it's myself I need to blame  
If you don't know, you're right next to the right one.  
  
So in the end it all depends on whether you'll find  
Warm embraces when I replace the one you had in mind...  
  
'Cause you're the fire, you're the one  
But you'll never see the sun  
If you don't know, you're right next to the right one  
I could call it many names  
But it's myself I need to blame  
If you don't know, you're right next to the right one.

When Mia’s done reading she hands the letter over. “Oh Tommy it’s beautiful.”

Tommy nods and folds the paper before putting it back into his pocket. “I know! It’s not his, it’s a song by Tim Christensen but yeah it pretty much captures our mess, doesn’t it?”

Mia pulls him in for a quick sympathetic hug. “So… he’s groveling and wooing you! It’s so sweet.”

Tommy rolls his eyes and snorts before going back to shelving books. “It’s frustrating when he doesn’t act on it, I mean he’s been linking me to every sappy love song known to man and no matter how much gore and blood I throw at him, which he really doesn’t love all that much, during those dates he doesn’t even wince, doesn’t try to sneak an arm around me or anything like that. Nothing, and I mean nothing, happens.”

Mia looks like a question mark. “What do you mean?”

“Not one kiss goodnight, not one lingering inappropriate touch. Nothing more than handholding. I had to be an ass to both him and Nate get him to cuddle me yesterday when we were watching Halloween with Nate.”

“With Nate?” Mia sounds a lot like she can’t believe her own ears.

It makes Tommy smile, he knows why. “Yeah, Adam’s working really hard on showing me he’s able to handle our friendship like he does with me and Christian. That it doesn’t bother him that we’re all touchy feely. He’s actually doing a really good job and I do believe that in time they’ll love each other very much. To be honest Nate is mostly the one that seems to hold back…” Tommy takes a breath, ignoring the pang of guilt he feels at the thought about Nate. It’s not like he chose who he ended up falling in love with.

“But that was so not my point. My point is I’m fucking vibrating out of my skin here and Adam does nothing. He seems perfectly content with where we are right now. And you know what?” Tommy looks at Mia expectantly giving her a second to answer his very rhetorical question. Mia shakes her head in expected denial. “Last night felt a lot like that very first time… you know in his room, that day I decided to dye my hair pink?”

This time Mia nods her head, obviously she remembers that afternoon or the way Tommy was over the moon and so in love it was embarrassing when he wasn’t even with Adam at the time. Not much has changed Tommy realizes.

“Maybe he’s waiting for you?” she suggest quietly. “Have you given him any reason to believe you’re ready to take the plunge into a real relationship with him again?”

Tommy frowns, thinking about that and fact is that maybe he hasn’t exactly done that. “I’m still not sure that I am, but I need something more than this. Whatever it is we’re doing. Fuck, if I know. All I know is that so far I’ve been the one to initiate things and I need him to do it for once. Just so I know he wants it as bad as me. I mean he says so and he shows me in so many other ways but not that.”

“You need to tell him that baby, he isn’t a mind reader. But you know, maybe he’s on to something.”

“Yeah? Like what?”

“Maybe you shouldn’t do more until you’re ready to trust him again. For both your sakes.”

“I think that maybe I’m… there. Well, almost anyway.”

Mia smiles curiously, her gaze searching for answers. “But you’re not sure?”

Tommy shrugs but he’s not capable of keeping the frustration out of his voice. “I dunno, I just… I need something more than this. I want fucking mind blowing kisses and I want to be _touched_.”

Mia starts to laugh, head thrown back and heartfelt and colorful. “You’re horny,” She states with a wicked smile when she’s done laughing on his expense.

Tommy blushes hard, because like always, Mia nailed it. There is more to it though and Tommy needs to tell her that too. “Mostly I’m just so gone for the guy that I think I’m willing to forgive something I’ve always thought as unforgivable but yeah, I guess I can admit to wanting him to fuck me senseless.”

She gets this thoughtful look in her eyes. “Which is probably why I see more of Nate these days, I mean as opposed to what I've seen of him since you and Adam broke up.”

Tommy almost chokes on a laugh. “You’re seeing more of Nate because I’m horny? I highly doubt that, if anything you’d see less of him. Naw, he’s just giving me and Adam space to, you know whatever it is we’re doing.”

Mia shakes her head. “He might be doing just that but it doesn’t mean he’s all fine with it. I mean it Tommy; he’s got it bad for you.”

There’s that guilt again, making him huff out a sigh. “I’m- I love him, that much is obvious and he’s one hot dude. If things had been different, if I hadn’t met-”

“Adam.”

Tommy offers Mia a weak smile. “Yeah, Adam. If it wasn’t for him I’m pretty sure Nate could have been the guy for me, I mean he does stir those kind of feelings but… no matter how hard I tried to push Adam out of my heart he’s kinda stuck there. I just-- I might be a giant fool but I love Adam _that_ much. I think he sorta ruined me for others, even amazing guys like Nate.”

“I know.” Mia says and rubs a hand between Tommy’s shoulders.

Tommy stays quiet for a while, mindlessly doing his job arranging books. “Am I setting myself up for a lifetime of heartbreak? If I forgive and forget?”

Mia snaps her head up from the book she was browsing through. “I don’t think so baby. I think Adam learned a lot about life, you and himself this year. I think he’s ready to see life through a different lens. I think he learned he needed to love himself before he could commit and truly love someone else. And I do believe you’re that someone. Question is, can you forget?”

“I don’t know if forgetting is actually the key. Maybe getting past it is more like it, I don’t know.”

“I think you might be right about that.” Mia agrees. “But no matter what you still have to tell him about what goes on in that pretty head of yours… or should I say body?!”

Tommy’s got the perfect answer for that. He sticks his tongue out and rolls his eyes.


	8. Chapter 8

Closer to the weekend, Nate asks Tommy if he wants to join him for a party at the dorm. Tommy jumps at the chance to spend a little time with Nate because Adam has something he needs to do with the theater group and they would eventually end up at the party too.

Now Tommy has a cold PBR in hand, which is totally Nate’s doing, Nate’s arm is around Tommy’s shoulder and he’s listening with a half ear to Peter and Nate engage in a passionate discussion about Cummings or whatever and Tommy is doing one hell of a job pretending not to let the occasional cold look from Peter get to him.

It’s the end of November but every second song played is a fucking Christmas song and Tommy is already getting really tired of Wham and Last Christmas. So when there’s a sudden lull moment in the noise level Tommy is almost relieved. Brad’s unwanted and fuming voice ruins that a mere few seconds later. “… His choice? He already made that, if I remember correctly. He’s toying with you, and you’re naïve enough to let him.”

Tommy whips his head around to find the face of that intrusive fucker and his eyes land on Adam a quarter of a second before they do. Tommy’s gaze skitters back to Adam who looks defensive and provoked. It’s really not that hard to guess it’s him they’re fighting about. Even Nate must think so because he squeezes Tommy’s shoulder, offering instant comfort.

When Adam answers Brad with a raised voice, it becomes clear to Tommy that he’s totally oblivious to the fact that the room is dead silent around them and that they’re the center of everybody’s attention. Though he’s not the one fighting in public he still wants to disappear into the wall and room with the nearest mouse. “Not true!” Adam’s voice carries the promise of thunder. “He wouldn’t do that, he doesn’t trust me and who am I to blame him? I just have to give him the time he needs and show him that I’m trustworthy. And I’m not going to push him into something he’s not ready for.”

“Ready for?!” Brad practically spits the words out, hands on hips and everything.  “That’s bullshit Adam. It’s not like he’s not your fucking soul mate.”

“You might not believe in soul mates but I do and _he_ is mine.” Adam says angrily, blue eyes burn with a cold fire and he’s looking fierce as hell. Tommy doesn’t even realize that he's stepped away from Nate or that he's slowly started to move through the crowded room. What he finally understands though is that he was a fool for thinking he needed Adam to make the move. Adam has been sure all along, he’s just been patiently waiting for Tommy to be the same and scared as Tommy might be, he really is. He is ready to trust Adam again. Or at least to give it a try.

“No one feels that way at seventeen!” Brad claims and pokes Adam in the chest hard enough that Adam steps back before slapping Brad’s hand away. “well, I do.” Adam says promptly.

Tommy watches Adam carefully and moves closer, he feels Nate presence right behind him as he’s pulled across the room by the look of passion in Adam’s eyes and the words he says. His heart is trying to pound its way out of his chest.

“Well, looks like you’re gonna have to wait forever. Doesn’t really seem like wonder-boy wants you back, I keep seeing him with someone who’s most definitively not you.”

“They’re not together. I don’t know if Tommy will ever forgive me and take me back but until he says he won’t, I’ll keep my hopes up and wait for him to trust me again.” Adam states vehemently.

Tommy throws a look over his shoulder, catching Nate’s eyes and holds his breath. He’s not asking for permission, it’s not like that; it’s more about not trusting his own judgment and wanting the last push. Nate nods and Tommy exhales slowly. A sense of calm takes over his body as he presses it between the two heated men. He plants his open palms on Adam’s chest and says firmly, “Adam.”

Brad doesn’t step back but hisses at Tommy instead. “Oh fucking great. Wonder-boy’s here.”

Tommy turns his head and glares at Brad. “He is! And if you don’t mind I’d like to talk to Adam. Alone.”

Brad rolls his eyes dramatically, voice dripping with sarcasm.” Oh, so _now_ you want him?”

He knows he shouldn’t let Brad get to him but it’s so freaking hard not to. “Yes and I’ve always fucking wanted him. It wasn’t me who strayed, was it?” Tommy regrets his words the second he hears Adam’s gasp.  “Tommy, I’m sorry.”

_Fuck Brad_ , Tommy decides and focuses on Adam. He turns and looks up. Hoping Adam can see he’s not mad or hurt. Adam looks like he’s waiting for judgment day, though. So Tommy lifts his hands and cradles Adam’s face in his palms before he pushes up on his toes to meet Adam’s eyes. “I know.” He says softly. “I want you. I want you so much.”

Adam blinks, staring back with uncertainty written all over his beautiful face. “Are you saying-”

Tommy cuts him off with a kiss. He pours his fucking soul into it and it only takes Adam a blink of an eye to catch up and start kissing back, his hands roaming over Tommy’s back before settling on the small of it and pulling Tommy closer until they’re pressed against each other from head to toe.

 “Oh my God, I’m gonna throw up.” Somehow Brad’s upset voice cuts through the haze in Tommy’s brain and he reluctantly ends the kiss. Nate’s hard unsympathetic voice mixes with Brad’s. “I suggest you take the defeat like a man.”

Tommy knows they’re the center of attention but he can’t bring himself to care. He can’t even look away from Adam's face and his fingers seem to have taken on a life on their own and he can’t stop touching.

Adam smiles broadly and it makes his eyes beam with happiness. “Tommy.” He whispers again and again before he dives down for another kiss, his wet tongue sliding across the seam of Tommy’s lips, gently teasing until Tommy opens right up for the kiss to deepen.

“Oh come on, you can't tell me seeing t _hat_ doesn’t make you want to poke your eyes out? You’ve been following that boy around with hearts in your eyes ever since they broke up,” Brad says and makes a gagging sound.

This time Adam ends the kiss and whispers against Tommy’s lips. “Let’s get out of here. I think we need to talk. Just the two of us.”

Tommy couldn’t agree more as long as there’s more than just talking involved. Damn, he missed Adam’s awesome kisses. No one kisses like Adam.

***

Adam takes a hold of Tommy’s hand and twines their fingers together in a strong grip and he starts to lead Tommy out of the crowded room. People are whistling at them and Tommy is absolutely sure a deep red color is dominating his face. It doesn’t really matter though because Adam’s hand is warm and firm and it’s Adam’s and every single cell in Tommy’s body is vibrating because of that. He’s sure he can still taste Adam on his lips and just to be sure he sucks his lower lip into his mouth, licking the taste of Adam off it. He’s kind of dizzy with want and plain honest relief that they’re finally doing something more that talking. Kissing is good, kissing is awesome. He’s not gonna settle for kisses tonight though.

They reach the door before Tommy remembers that he actually came to be with friends tonight, to have fun with Nate. Another pang of guilt hits him and he turns his head searching the room for Nate’s familiar face. Tommy can feel how Adam purposely slows them down when they get to the door and Tommy sends him a thankful smile before skimming the room again.

Green eyes meet Tommy’s across the room. Nate is smiling but Tommy can see it’s not really reaching his eyes. His heart sinks a little, knowing why and he shoots Nate an ‘I’m sorry’ grimace. Nate nods and blows Tommy a kiss. Tommy pretends to catch it and blows one back.

“Ready to go?” Adam asks softly at the exact same time Nate winks at Tommy and catches his kiss with his right hand and puts it to his heart.

“Yes.” He turns to look at Adam and the way Adam gazes at him makes Tommy crave more kisses so he surges up to steal one. “Take me home,” He says eagerly against Adam’s soft yielding lips.

Adam puts a hand on the back of Tommy’s head, keeping him in kissing height and on his toes. “My place or yours?”

Tommy smirks. “Mine. Nobody’s home.”

The getting home part takes about a millennium, Tommy’s sure of it. Distance and time seems to plot against him getting laid as fast as he’d prefer but at least the bus is almost empty and that allows Tommy to climb into Adam’s lap and get some really fucking amazing kisses.

 

They should have used that time to talk. Tommy realizes that when he’s spread out and naked on his bed. Already writhing in need and anticipation because Adam’s kissing his way down Tommy’s chest and stomach, obviously heading for Tommy’s twitching cock and right now he can’t think of one single thing he wants more than Adam’s hot, wet mouth sucking him off.

Except, there's something nagging at him and he hates it but there it is. It sucks to be responsible, it really does but Tommy still manages to capture Adam’s busy hands and lace their fingers together in effort to slow things down a notch. “Wait.”

Adam gets this puzzled look on his face and then a more serious pained look takes over his beautiful features. His eyes cloud and darken. “What? You don’t-”

Tommy nods vigorously, needing to reassure Adam, to get that look off his face again. “Gods, yes, but we need a condom for that.”

Adam looks down at Tommy’s body, gaze jumping down to his cock and a heated red color flares on his cheeks. He doesn’t meet Tommy’s eyes when he whispers in a broken voice, “We were safe. I didn’t … with Brad. We were safe.”

Tommy hoists himself up onto his elbows and Adam hesitantly meets his gaze. Tommy knows without a doubt Adam is afraid to read the emotions on his face, that he’s scared Tommy is backing out. So, he tries to soothe things over, to explain. “I appreciate that. I do, but we still need to use a rubber until we’re both tested. We have to be smart about this before any bareback action at all. Including blowjobs.”

Tommy sees when Adam catches on and it dawns on him what Tommy’s saying. His Adam’s apple bobs up and down as he swallows. “Both?”

Tommy grimaces, hating how the good, sexy mood evaporates. “Yeah.” He mentally kicks himself for not dealing with this on the bus, or at least before both of them ended up on his bed, naked.

“Who-” Adam starts only to cut himself short. “Nate.”

Tommy wants to hide, to close his eyes and just not meet the tons of hurt questions in Adam’s gaze but he mans up and nods. “But does it matter with whom?”

Adam bites down on his lip and slowly he shakes his head. “No, it doesn’t really matter who. I guess I just--Were you safe?”

“Yeah, but I still think we need a rubber. We’ve both been with someone else.” Gods, he feels like such a jerk for saying that when Adam frowns miserably.

“You’re right,” Adam clears his throat and Tommy watches his gaze dart down to Tommy’s now soft cock nestled in dark curls, their talk has definitely killed two perfect boners. “Maybe we should wait all together?”

Tommy doesn’t want that. He wants to get the condom in his wallet and get back to business, to feel Adam on the basic level that sex is, to reconnect. They’ve been talking and talking for three and a half months and it feels like waiting might just kill him. “What? Why?” He pushes all the way up until he’s sitting up and reaches out to encircle Adam’s neck with his arms.

Adam draws in closer and presses his mouth to Tommy’s. It’s really nothing more than a peck on the lips but Tommy can already feel his body react to the light touch. When he tries to get another kiss Adam stops it by resting his forehead against Tommy’s. “I gotta admit I wanted something more than a handjob when we… you know got back together. Because that’s what going on here right?”

Tommy blinks, stunned that Adam’s not sure why they’re in bed together. “Yeah, of course.” Then it occurs to him that might not be why Adam wants to wait at all. “It isn’t because of me and…” He whispers to Adam.

Adam sighs and it sounds a little broken so Tommy tries to get closer, moves just a bit but enough to be able to press their cheeks together before resting his head on Adam’s shoulder.

“No, I think I already knew that. It’s just, in my head I had this perfect picture…” Adam trails off and clears his throat again. “Tommy, I don’t have-”

When Tommy understands what Adam’s problem is he cuts him off, “I do, in my wallet. I just need to get it,” he pulls back and sends Adam a smile he hopes carries all his love. “We can still—it’ll still be perfect.”

Adam echoes Tommy’s smile so Tommy disengages himself from Adam’s hold and scoots off the bed in one fluent move. Picking up his pants, carelessly dropped on the floor, he finds his wallet and two small foil packages. With condoms in his hand he passes the bed, thinking he might just find the lube while he’s at it. He rummages through a drawer, not really focusing on finding the lube hidden in the back of it, but on Adam and the look of hunger starting to form on his face. Finally, he closes his hand around the familiar tube. With a pleased smirk and a wiggle of his hand he moves back to the bed, to Adam. “See? You can totally fuck me into the mattress.” He grins and tosses the objects on the bed.

Adam however stands to meet Tommy on the floor, his cock half-mast and drawing Tommy’s attention away from the promise in the warm glow in Adam’s gaze. Tommy’s licks his lips, wanting to taste, to feel the weight of Adam on his tongue.

Adam’s soft laughter tells Tommy Adam really appreciates the way his eyes strayed downwards. “What if that’s not what I want right now. What if I want to make sweet love to you?” Adam says interrupting Tommy’s train of thought and yeah, he’s good with that.

It’s not like he’d actually get to taste and latex probably isn’t a treat in his mouth anyway. Tommy’s drawn into Adam’s arms and he lifts his gaze up to meet Adam’s. “Then you can do that too, as long as we do _something_.”

Adam rains kisses on his jaw, “So if I kiss you here, that’ll be okay.” He moves further down and sucks lightly behind and a little below Tommy’s ear.

Tommy’s cock jumps eagerly. “Yeah.” He moans roughly.

He can feel Adam’s lips curl into a pleased smile against his skin as they leave a moist trail up to his ear. Adam sucks on the lobe, tongue darting out to play with the silver in Tommy’s ear. “What about here?” Adam huffs, his hot breath making Tommy’s skin tingle.

Tommy knows Adam wants to lead, to really make Tommy feel it and just take it, so he plays along for a while, pushing his own need to touch and kiss back for a little while. “Hmm. I like your mouth. You can keep doing that.” He says teasingly and slides his hands into Adam’s hair to keep them from wandering and tilts his head to give Adam better access to his neck.

Adam giggles delightedly and generously starts to litter kisses where Tommy wants them. “Is that so? How about my hands?”

Adam’s hands run over Tommy’s upper body, down his sides, long firm fingers settle on his hips, fan out and make Tommy restless. “They’ll do too,” he groans and tries to angle his hips a bit, just enough to get those fingers moving where he wants them.

But Adam’s a tease, he moves his hands away, letting them rest on the small of Tommy’s back instead, thumbs caressing his skin and ducks down to kiss Tommy deep and slow.

Tommy melts into Adam’s body, showing him the evidence of what his touches, his kisses, do to him, slowly rutting against Adam’s firm thigh. Adam moans, pulls Tommy even closer.

A smile graces Adam’s lips when he runs his thumb over Tommy’s parted lips, tracing them. A small groan erupts from him when Tommy playfully darts his tongue out to lick the pad of his thumb.

Tommy's dick twitches at the sound and so do Adam’s lips as he curls his hand around Tommy's neck, his fingers warm and strong against his skin. Tommy licks his lips, pressing his body harder into Adam’s, wanting, and slowly dying from blue balls. But this is Adam’s game. Tommy knew it the second Adam said he wanted to make love to him, so he waits for Adam’s next move.

Adam leans down until their lips almost touch, their gazes locked. Tommy breathes out a little needy sound and then they’re kissing again. They take their time, sucking on lips and tongues, nipping and biting, both of them letting their fingers do the walking and rediscovering each other. Lost in the haze of Adam’s kisses, Tommy’s knees begins to buckle.

Adam chuckles softly and Tommy feels lightheaded when Adam’s hands find his ass and he’s lifted off the floor. Being manhandled by Adam is such a fucking turn on and Tommy’s cock throbs painfully against Adam’s hot skin, when he puts his thighs around Adam’s middle. Laughing, Adam takes a couple of insecure, staggering steps before he carries Tommy to the bed. Tommy enthusiastically attacks Adam’s neck and jaw with wet kisses.

Sliding one hand around the back of Tommy’s neck, Adam braces the other on the mattress as he guides Tommy down to the bed. Tommy hisses softly when the cool cotton sheets make contact with his skin but that’s quickly forgotten when Adam’s next to him on the bed. Suddenly, Tommy has free access to Adam’s legs and he takes advantage of it, running his fingers up and down the long muscled lines, tracing invisible connections between the freckles. Adam is so fucking gorgeous and Tommy's heart somersaults. Everything in him is screaming _mine._

But Adam’s fingers touch his chin, turning his head to face Adam’s and breaking his study of naked skin.

"Your lips are..." Adam whispers and traces them with his finger, his touch so light it makes Tommy shiver. He can smell Adam’s cologne and underneath the unique scent that’s pure Adam. He briefly closes his eyes against the overload of sensation because otherwise he’s gonna burst out of his skin.

"So pretty. So...kissable." Adam says, his voice low and a little raspy, his eyes fixed on Tommy’s lips.  
  
Tommy’s heart is hammering in his chest and his breath is coming out in little hard huffs and when he whispers, "So kiss me then. Kiss me," it’s low and breathless.  
  
The corners of Adam's lips curl into the sweetest smile and he moves forward to lock their lips together.

Adam's hand slides down Tommy's neck, fingers gentle as they wrap around his throat. His thumb digs in below Tommy’s chin, changing the angle a bit and taking complete control over the kiss making Tommy whimper.

“What do you want?” Adam asks and breathes out sharply.

 "This...you," Tommy says softly. "I want you."  
  
Adam rests his head against Tommy's. And for a moment, Tommy can feel every little bit of Adam's vulnerability. Tommy adores that about Adam, that he lets himself open up like that. It’s magical. Adam’s magical.

Then Adam kisses his temple, thumb moving to press into his neck, angling him just right to rain kisses along his jaw, around his ear. Adam sucks on his ear lobe and Tommy doesn’t even try to suppress the groan erupting from his chest. The sweet heat of Adam’s tongue caressing the shell of his ear makes Tommy feel raw, exposed and needy. He wants Adam so desperately he’s shaking with it.

But Tommy wants to know they share that feeling. Adam’s game or not, he needs to know he makes Adam feel the same. He pushes Adam back onto the mattress and climbs into his lap. Adam’s hands come up, and Tommy lets him guide him down and then they’re kissing again. Tommy lets his hands wander up into Adam’s soft hair and curls them into fists when he rolls his hips just so and the hard press of Adam’s cock, so hot against his own makes them both gasp in need. Tommy lets his fingers run over Adam’s chest, loving the feel of his soft hair before finding his nipples, rubbing and twisting until it’s impossible for Adam to keep his hips still.

When Adam catches Tommy’s bottom lip and bites a little too hard, he whimpers, his fingers slip up and digs into Adam’s shoulders. Pleasure and pain zing through his body. It’s too much and not nearly enough.

Adam gasps and his hands moves to Tommy’s hips, pulling him down, thrusting his hips up, rocking against Tommy.  
  
“Fuck me.” Tommy murmurs, desperate and aching so bad it feels like fire burning in his veins.

Adam nods but surges up to kiss Tommy some more instead. He lets go of Tommy’s ass and Tommy whimpers. He wanted those hands there. Adam sneaks his hand in between them though. His touch feels electric, warm and decadent as he wraps his hand around Tommy's shaft. And Tommy is so not complaining.

Following Adam’s lead Tommy sits back on Adam’s thighs and with a breathless little moan he takes Adam's cock in hand. He watches Adam as his breath hitches when he starts stroking slowly up and down. Tommy is torn between wanting to watch Adam’s face, looking into his eyes and seeing every emotion that appears or looking at his hand and how Adam’s thick hard flesh moves through it, the red head pushing up between his fingers with every down stroke and smearing the pre-come with a twist of a thumb.

Gazing into Adam’s eyes is what he ends up doing, he need the connection more than the hot image.

Then Adam huffs out a little laugh and pushes up to kiss him, a little rough, and a whole lot of dirty, before falling back onto the bed again. Caught on the same wavelength they press their cocks together and while Adam’s large hand curls around the both of them Tommy rocks his hips. He gives in and looks down, watching them move together, hard and slick with pre-come. He squeezes his eyes shut when liquid heat pools in his groin and the orgasm pushes to unfurl. He wants Adam inside him though when he comes and not like this. “Adam please.” He whines into Adam’s throat, tongue darting out to taste the moist skin there. “I need you to fuck me. Don’t let me come like this.”

“You want me inside you?” Adam whispers brokenly, fingers gripping Tommy’s ass so hard Tommy’s sure there’ll be finger-shaped bruises in the morning. The thought is such a fucking turn on and he’s already burning up. “Please.”

Adam rolls them, manhandles Tommy’s pliant body and it shows, fucking shows on Adam’s face just how much he likes how Tommy just takes it. They share a smile filled with promises of love. Adam’s eyes are dark with desire as he looks down Tommy’s body, his fingers following his eyes from Tommy’s collarbones, ribs and stomach to his happy trail and over to his hipbones. The delicate caresses drive Tommy crazy in the best way possible. Tommy doesn’t want to squirm but he does, it’s too fucking good to keep still. Adam is such a fucking tease, avoiding his cock and hole and Tommy needs, needs so bad.

“I love it when you’re like this. So fucking eager. So gorgeous and spread out for me.”

Tommy blushes, not even the pink tone he know his skin has from arousal is going to hide that and half embarrassed he turns his head and closes his eyes.

“Don’t hide from me.” Adam says and two fingers lead Tommy’s head back. Tommy shakes his head, he won’t and Adam smiles. For a while they can’t seem to look away.  Then Adam moves his hand, runs it over Tommy’s hips, down his thighs and Tommy’s back to moving restlessly on the bed.  Adam’s eyes go darker and he breaks Tommy's gaze to lay a wet trail of kisses on the inside of Tommy’s thighs.

Tommy has given up on staying still and touching Adam at the same time so he reaches for the headboard in a futile attempt to stop writhing. Adam is not helping that task at all when he murmurs his appreciation in one dirty word after another and then licks up behind Tommy’s balls. It gets even worse when one hand comes up and around Tommy’s hard cock leaking on his belly, slowly stroking, and the other one pushes Tommy’s thighs wider apart.

“Fuck, Adam.” Tommy rasps and lifts his hips, silently begging Adam to touch him where he needs it the most. When Adam doesn’t take the hint Tommy decides Adam moves way too fucking slow.

He releases his hold on the headboard and snakes his fingers around Adam’s wrist. Adam looks up Tommy’s body and meets his gaze, an unspoken question in his eyes but letting go of Tommy’s cock when he tugs at Adam’s wrist.

Tommy gives Adam the time he needs to move and situate so he can follow Tommy. Then he pulls Adam’s hand towards him, wrapping his lips around two of Adam’s fingers and starts sucking. When he’s satisfied with how slick Adam’s fingers are and with the noises Adam makes deep in his throat he wordlessly pushes Adam’s fingers down his body and between his legs. The way Adam’s cock jumps at that doesn’t go unnoticed.

“This is what you want?” Adam asks, circling his hole.

“Yes.”

Adam presses gently, just teasing the rim for a bit and Tommy bites his lip in anticipation. He actually manages to keep still but then Adam slips a finger in and starts to work him open and it’s impossible for him not to move.

"That's it, baby," Adam whispers. "Fuck yourself open for me. You look so beautiful like this. So good for me." Adam lets another finger slide in and Tommy gladly does as told, Adam’s words sizzling through his veins.

"Oh...oh God." Tommy moans helplessly when Adam strokes across his prostate. That’s almost too much and still so obviously not enough. Adam makes this little noise, amazed and aroused and Tommy starts searching for the fucking condom because he needs Adam in him, now. He knocks over his lamp because he can’t look away from Adam, and his sense of the room and bed is screwed up by the way Adam looks back at him and he can’t turn because he’s got fingers up his ass and they’re really fucking close to getting him off.

"Adam," he moans and tries to hand Adam the condom but Adam stays where he is, working him, pushing him to the edge again. Unable to stop, Tommy moves his hips, restlessly begging for more, deeper, harder, his stomach tight with need.

“Baby, please.” Tommy whines and shoves the condom into Adam’s hand roughly.

Adam pulls his fingers out and he’s panting almost as hard as Tommy. He gives Tommy's cock a couple of slow strokes and kisses the tip quickly before letting go. Sitting on his haunches he tears open the package and pinches the tip. When he starts rolling the condom on Tommy stops him with a hand on top of his. Adam looks up into Tommy’s eyes, confused.

“Let me?” Tommy asks quietly and a little shy. He’s not sure Adam will find it as sexy as he does.

“You want to?” Adam asks incredulously.

“Yeah.” Tommy resents the way he blushes but then Adam lets his hands fall away and smiles happily. Tommy gently rolls the condom on and squeezes lube into his palm, coating Adam’s cock with it. His hand is sticky and that’s just gross so he wipes his fingers off on the sheet. That’s kinda gross too but at least he can use his hands on Adam now without feeling guilty. Lube in hair is _not_ cool.

Hoping Adam wants to do him face to face he cockily asks, ”How do you want me?”

"I wanna see your face." Adam’s voice is thick and rough with want and Tommy’s heart somersaults again. He lies down and closes his eyes, knowing if Adam keeps talking like that he’ll come all over his stomach.

Adam settles between Tommy’s open legs. “Look at me please.”

Tommy complies and Adam keeps his gaze captive. With one hand next to Tommy’s head he leans down to kiss a wet trail down his jaw and Tommy eagerly stretches his neck offering Adam more skin to play with. Adam is sucking lightly just below Tommy’s ear when he’s hit by the thrilling sensation of Adam’s cockhead teasing his hole. His body goes taut with gorgeous tension but Adam doesn’t push in. He keeps still and kisses his way back to Tommy’s mouth.

Tommy squirms but it gets him nowhere and Adam, asshole that he is, just chuckles softly and demands kisses so he surrenders to the kiss and that’s when Adam pushes in. Tommy shifts his hips to meet Adam’s slow thrust and he sighs happily into Adam’s mouth.

The sharp heat is expected, _wanted_ and so is the fullness but still it attacks all his senses. The need to come is forceful and imminent. He holds on to Adam’s shoulders and squeezes his eyes closed trying to shut out the sweet dirty words Adam whispers into his ear. Words of how beautiful he is, how good he is for Adam, taking him in so easily. He focuses on moving his hips until Adam is deep inside him and Adam’s lips are caressing his neck.

“You okay baby?” Adam breathes into his ear.

“Yes.” Tommy moans when Adam’s pushes a in bit more and settles balls deep, filling him so full of his cock. “Move, fuck me.”  He didn’t mean for it to come out as begging but it did and Adam lets out a strained breath and starts to pull out and push back in, and it’s fucking glorious!

Tommy lets his hands wander down the long expanse of Adam’s back, over the warm soft skin, all the way down to his ass, perfectly shaped, round and firm with muscles shifting with each snap of his hips.   
  
Adam’s eyes are locked on him and Tommy drowns in the darkness of them, in the want and the spark of blue peeking around the edges. He's reduced to nothing more than feelings, his body so focused on Adam’s and his mind looping endlessly with _I love you, I love you, I love you._  
  
As if Adam’s reading his mind, he pants, “I love you,” his hot breath tickling Tommy’s sensitive skin. The next thrust brushes Tommy’s prostate just right and a wild blaze of pleasure spreads out from where they’re joined and throughout his body. Tommy wraps his legs around Adam’s hips and ghosts his lips across Adam’s jaw, rough with stubble.  
  
“Fuck me,” Tommy begs, “Come on, Adam. Give it to me,” he orders.  His lips at Adam's ear, he bites down gently on his earlobe, shamelessly using Adam’s hot spots to get what he wants. It works wonders; Adam loses his restraint and pounds harder and faster and Tommy catches Adam’s mouth in a sloppy unfocused kiss. With hands restlessly moving over Adam’s back and nails scratching skin, Tommy grunts into their kisses.

Bright sparks of pleasure burst in him over and over until his orgasm hits him and draws his balls up and he comes hot, wet and messy between them without a hand on his cock. With a hurt noise, swallowed by Tommy’s kisses, Adam follows, his body taut and his eyes squeezed shut in ecstasy. Tommy wishes the rubber between them wasn’t there so he could feel Adam’s come inside him.

They keep kissing, sucking greedily on tongues while hands caress faces for a while. When they need air more than kisses they pull apart and stare at each other in happiness until Adam collapses and buries his face in Tommy’s neck.

“Wow.” Tommy whispers, blissed out and dazed.

Adam huffs out a happy but tired laugh. “That pretty much sums it up, yeah.”

Tommy hums in agreement and lets his hands run soothingly over Adam’s back, his chest heaving against Adam’s as he breathes.

Groaning, Adam reaches between them to grasp the base of his cock, keeping the condom in place and slowly he withdraws. He rolls off Tommy and ties the rubber before slipping out of bed. Two minutes later he’s back with a washcloth and cleans the mess on Tommy's stomach. The cloth is put on the night table when Tommy crawls under the duvet and pats the bed.

Adam giggles when it takes Tommy less than ten seconds to get comfortable with his face on Adam’s chest and a leg thrown over Adam’s. Tommy grins and snuggles even closer feeling completely satisfied and more content than he’s been for a very, very long time.

 

Tommy dozes off and wakes up to Adam wide awake and looking at him with a thoughtful expression on his face.

“What’s on your mind?” Tommy asks, pushing himself up to a sitting position, the duvet pools around his hips and he shivers when the air chills his skin. He can’t be bothered to do anything about that though because Adam is looking at him with something that can only be classified as worry. Tommy hates that, it makes him nervous.

“You want this, right?” Adam asks, carefully studying Tommy’s face.

Tommy’s confused, after what they just did; Adam’s question doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to him. “Yes.” He says firmly, just to make sure Adam can’t get that wrong because clearly something didn’t come through to Adam earlier.

Adam smiles tenderly. “And Nate?”

Tommy sighs. He’d hoped this wouldn’t become an issue. “Is my friend. Adam, it happened once, not like you and-”

“Not about that baby, I just don’t want you to wake up tomorrow, regretting what we did or wishing it was with someone else.”

Tommy had been so sure Adam had started to have more faith in himself, to trust his own worth. “Are you already starting to doubt yourself again?” He asks, his heart breaking a little.

Adam furrows his brows and shakes his head in denial. “No, I just want you to be sure you’re making the right choice. Because if we do this, I can’t lose you again. If anything at all, my fuck up sure showed me what’s important to me and what’s not.”

Relief runs through Tommy, makes him breathe easier. This he can handle. “You know what? I have an idea.” He leaves the bed and heads straight for the bookshelf above his desk. He pulls out two books and returns to Adam. He situates himself so they’re facing each other but looks down at the books in hand. He runs his fingers over them in a silly little caress.

“What are you doing?” asks Adam, voice loaded with curiosity.

Tommy smiles and hands Adam the books. “Here, take these.”

Adam complies with a puzzled look on his face. “What-” he looks at the books, turns them back and forth but there’s nothing on the covers to identify them.  Tommy knows this, so instead of waiting for Adam’s curiosity to take over Tommy elaborates.

“My diaries.”

Adam’s head snaps up and he looks kinda shocked. Tommy shrugs indifferently. He doubts anyone would think of him as the journal keeping kind of guy.

“Everything I feel or felt about you is in there. Read them, you’ll know exactly how I feel.”

Adam shakes his head and hands the books back to Tommy, but Tommy refuses to take them. “Nothing is censored in there because no one was supposed to read it. My feelings about Brad and Nate are in there too, so it might hurt your feelings to read it but if those can’t convince you of my feelings, nothing will.”

“You really mean it? You want me to read your journals?” Adam’s tilting his head and he looks at Tommy as if he’s trying to solve one of life’s biggest mysteries.

“Yeah. It’s not like I haven’t told you most of it already.”

“I’ll think about it, okay?” Adam puts the books on the floor by the bed and lies back down again. “C’mere,” he demands, love coloring his voice.

Tommy doesn’t hesitate.  “You make the best pillow in the world,” he sighs in contentment and snuggles close, rubbing his nose against Adam’s chest.

“You’re silly.”

A kiss is pressed to Tommy’s hair and he smiles happily, knowing it doesn’t matter that Adam can’t see it, he’ll hear it in his voice. “Just love you, that’s all.”

“I love you, too.”


	9. Chapter 9

Tommy drifts out of sleep, slowly pulled out of dreamland by the sound of pages being turned. He stifles a smile when he realizes Adam’s reading his journals. A smile would let Adam know he’s awake and there’s really no need for that now that Adam’s succumbed to his curiosity. Tommy is sure Adam will find what he needs in those journals.

He snuggles a bit closer, his head resting on Adam’s stomach because Adam has pulled himself up enough to get his shoulders against the headboard. It can’t be all that comfortable so Tommy figures Adam must have been trying to be careful not to wake him up with his movements. The duvet covers Tommy and Adam from his toes up to Tommy’s nose on his stomach.

The wicked side of Tommy totally loves how Adam’s breath hitches when he slides a hand between Adam’s crossed thighs and rubs his stubbled cheek against the soft skin on Adam’s exposed belly. The down side is, when pretending to sleep, he can’t really move that hand up to cup Adam’s cock. And he really wants to do that.

Tommy is just about ready to give up on allowing Adam to read in peace and letting Adam know he’s awake when there’s a rapid knock at his door. Without waiting for an answer, the door is pushed open. He doesn’t want to face his mother now, he’s naked under the duvet and so is Adam. Pretending to sleep totally works but he feels a little guilty when Adam’s forced to deal with his mom on his own.

“Adam! Hi.” Dia sounds genuinely surprised and Tommy can just imagine the look on her face.

“Hi, Dia,” Adam greets softly, almost whispering.

Quiet footsteps cross the floor and Tommy feels the mattress dip. “So you guys are back together?” his mother asks quietly.

Tommy wants to groan, to ask her to leave. Why of all days does she chose this one, when he’s naked and in bed with his _naked_ boyfriend to plant her ass on his bed?! He wonders what’s going through Adam’s head at this very moment.

Fingers comb though his hair and come back to brush a few stray strands away from his face. “Yeah. I think so.” There’s not uncertainty in Adam’s voice, though. Just love.

“Good.” The mattress shifts and seconds later the room is flooded with bright light. His fucking mom and her obnoxious habits. Curtains are there for a reason and he’s supposedly sleeping. It’s really fucking hard to pretend to be sleeping when the sunlight falls on your face. But she doesn’t stop there. “What are you reading in bed on a Sunday morning? I mean, it has to be good when you’re ditching sleep over it.”

She doesn’t really sound nosy, just like she’s trying to make conversation which isn’t much better, really. Then he hears the sound of his window opening and he’s suddenly hit with the realization of what his room smells like. It practically reeks of sex. The washcloth from last night is still on the table and neither of them showered either. Tommy wants to die.

“Tommy’s diary.”

The words are calm, happy, content. Tommy's actually proud of Adam because he's not sure he could pull that off right now.  He’d probably sound self-conscious and annoyed.

“Diary? Tommy keeps a diary?” Tommy almost chuckles at the disbelief in his mom’s voice. Almost.

“Should you be reading that?” she asks cautiously and Tommy pictures her ready to snatch it out of Adam’s hand. Annoying or not his mom is actually kind of awesome.

“Yeah. He wanted me to.” Adam reassures her mildly.

“Wow. That’s something!”

“Yeah, he wanted to show me he loves me. And he does love me, like, really love me.” Adam still sounds a little amazed by that and Tommy can’t pretend to sleep anymore.

“I know honey.” He hears his mother say just when he forces his eyes open, and mumbles, “Told you so.”

The sun is brutal though and he rubs his eyes with the heel of his hand. The other hand is totally free to run up Adam’s thigh now that he’s done faking sleep, so that’s just what he does.

Adam raises an eyebrow but otherwise his expression gives nothing away, not even when Tommy closes his hand around him and gives him a squeeze for good measure.

“Aww he’s awake and eavesdropping.” His mom chirps sunnily.

Tommy groans, “‘m sleeping.” and nuzzles Adam’s belly with his nose, pressing a soft kiss to the naked skin too. He can totally pull being sleepy off. His hand’s still busy under the duvet and he thoroughly enjoys the way Adam grows in the confines of his hand.

“Oh well, sleepyhead, coffee is ready when you are. I've got to run some errands and Dad is in the garage, fixing something that isn’t broken on the car, _yet_. So you two are on your own.”

That gets Tommy’s attention and even Adam seems to zoom in on it as well, a too good to be true possibility. “Lisa?” Tommy asks innocently.

“Already out the door.” His mom picks up his clothes from the floor and puts them on the back of his chair by his desk.

“Awesome.” Tommy whispers and shoots Adam a meaningful look. Adam’s hips shift and Tommy can’t keep a grin off his face.

“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that, kiddo.” His mom says softly but she's leaving, fucking finally!

She stops in the door though and looks at Adam. “Adam?”

“Yes.” Adam says and looks like a _saint_ doing it. Tommy is impressed.

“Does your mother know you’re here?”

“Yeah, she knows, I texted her. So, she’s probably gonna call you to gossip later.” Adam winks and smiles happily. He’s not all that unaffected though because his sneaks a hand under the covers and stills Tommy’s hand with his own.

“We don’t gossip dear, we discuss serious business.” Tommy hand is caught under Adam’s, no more dirty play, so he’s a little more than impatient to get his mom out the door, Adam however chats with her like he’s got all the time in the world. “Yeah. I was told not to mess it up and treat him right.”

Tommy growls and turns his head enough to drag his teeth across skin, making sure Adam knows there are better ways to treat him right than talking up his goddamn mother.

“That’s a good advice.” Dia laughs.

Tommy’s patience hits zero, he’s horny and he’s got his picture perfect boyfriend in his fucking bed. “Mom! Weren’t you leaving? And leave Adam alone, will you?”

She sticks out her tongue out at him and sends Adam a look of fondness. “Awww. He knows I mean well, don’t you Adam?”

Adam grins, Tommy’s frustrations are definitely not lost on him. “I know.”

“Close the door on your way out.” Tommy says, annoyed that the two of them are making him smile too wide and happy to pout properly. He grabs onto the duvet, not wanting to show his mom _everything_ and throws his pillow as her.

She backs out, giggling “Brat,” she pulls the door shut, but right before it closes completely she pokes her head in. “I’ll be back around noon. It would please me to see you both for lunch.” Her tone is serious and the boys quickly agree to that.

The second the door is closed Tommy crawls up Adam’s body, demanding to be kissed. “I’m sorry.” He mumbles between kisses.

“For what? Pretending to be asleep, getting me hot and bothered or for your mom?”

“All of it? No actually, not the hot and bothered part, because you do that to me just by being here, so that one’s totally fair.” He grinds his pelvis against Adam to prove his point; the kisses he gets for that are an awesome bonus.

“She looked so surprised and happy, your mom.” Adam murmurs and pushes Tommy off him, only to settle half on top of him, one leg bent and pushed between Tommy’s.

Tommy’s hands come up on their own accord and close around Adam's neck, playing with the soft hair at his nape. “Dunno why she was surprised though. She knows you’re my weak spot.”

Adam frowns, he pulls back but Tommy’s doesn’t allow him to break their embrace. “I want to be the one you can rely on and trust. The one you turn to when you feel weak, not the one causing it.”

Tommy sighs and turns his head to look at the diary lying on the bed next to them. “Are you just getting started or are done with that?”

Adam looks like a question-mark. “I’ve read it. Well, most of it.”

Tommy holds Adam’s gaze and says quietly, “Then you know what you do to me.”

“Yeah, and I know you love me and that you want this.” Adam cradles Tommy’s face gently. “I also know what worries you.”

Adam looks so open, but strangely worried about Tommy too. It makes him feel raw and vulnerable. “But I _trust_ you to not use it against me.” He’d trust Adam with his life in a heartbeat and lately he’s convinced himself he can trust him with his happiness too. He hopes Adam knows that and will keep him safe.

The way Adam whispers “you’re amazing,” makes him think that Adam does. Especially when Adam kisses him so loving and sweet that Tommy feels like breaking apart.

“I can’t promise to never hurt you. I’m not perfect.”

Tommy pokes Adam’s ribs because Adam is being stupid. Nobody’s perfect. “I know and I never wanted you to be. Love me back, don’t cheat on me and be honest and the rest will work out. Don’t you think?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“So,” Tommy says, dragging the word out and lets his hands wander.

“So?” Adam giggles.

“I think you should fuck me.” Tommy looks around for the last foil package. He locates it on the night table right next to the used washcloth and the lube. He groans and reaches out to get it but is thrown off by Adam’s laughter. “What?”

“Oh man, you should have seen you mom’s face when she saw that. She really looked like that was the last thing she needed to see.”

Tommy whines in embarrassment. It doesn’t stop him from his task of getting the condom and lube, though.


	10. Chapter 10

Epilogue.

Tommy looks around their tiny apartment. Standing in the door between their bedroom and living area he can pretty much see the whole thing.

Adam is throwing him a birthday party. Twenty-one years today.

There are people everywhere, really, their place isn’t big enough to hold the tight group of people they call their friends. Tommy grins to himself. It seems like if there’s room in your heart then there’s room in your home too.

Mia is talking to Dani who’s leaning into Isaac. Tommy is happy they’re dating again. Mia gestures wildly and excitedly about something and it must be funny because Dani is laughing and so is Isaac. The joy on Mia’s face makes him mushy, she’s been through hell with her dad again and it’s been a while since she’s looked happy.

Mike and Christian are taking up way too much space on the floor, playfully wrestling for the remote to the TV. They’re such dorks and never seem to change, it’s good though. Tommy wouldn’t know what to do with himself without them. And he’s a dork too, so it totally works.

His gaze moves to some of the newer friends they've added to their group. It’s taken him some time to really feel it, but strangely enough Brad has made his way into the group.  Maybe it's because he brought Sutan with him. Tommy chuckles a little to himself. He knows that’s not why. Adam and Brad had been forced to work together being in the same theater group and everything. They sorted the stuff out between them and once those two figured out they wanted to stay in each other’s lives Tommy had dealt with it.

It hadn’t been easy, lots of arguments had heated the air but all of them had sprung from Tommy’s insecurities and never from Adam doing something stupid. Tommy had eventually gotten to the point where he understood and that Brad was over the whole thing, even his bitchiness towards Tommy too. So he decided to get to know the guy and Brad is a lot like Adam. Full of life and laughter and when you get to know him just as annoyingly easy to love.

Sutan looks up from his conversation with Terrance and back at Tommy, raises his glass and mouths ‘happy birthday vayvee’. Tommy raises his beer bottle to him before taking a sip. Sutan is his life partner; he fucking adores that man, almost as much as Nate.

Tommy sighs. Nate isn’t there and Tommy really fucking misses him. It’s been six months since he packed his backpack and went to Europe with Peter, following in the footsteps of some of his most beloved authors.

Tommy hopes their journey makes Nate finally see what a truly good guy Peter is and fall in love with him. It’s hard to see the heart-eyed look Peter sends Nate all the time while Nate remains completely oblivious. Just like Brad, Peter’s one of the good friends Tommy never saw coming until he’d found a place in his heart. Life is weirdly wonderful that way.

Strong arms pull him away from the door and surround him from behind, the familiar scent of Adam hits him and he leans back against his broad chest. “Almost time.” Adam teases.

“For what?” Tommy asks curiously and looks up at Adam but all he sees is Adam’s jaw.

Adam grins and rests his chin on Tommy’s shoulder “For your surprise. Check out the front door.”

Puzzled Tommy moves to do as told and fucking hell that’s Nate closing the front door behind him and Peter. Somehow Tommy registers that they’re holding hands even though he whips his head around to look at Adam.

Adam totally knows how happy Tommy is right this minute and just how many points he scored on being the best boyfriend in the world, because he’s beaming. Tommy wraps his arms around Adam in a bone-crushing hug. “I love you! You know that right?!”

“Uh huh. It isn’t all me though. We planned this before they left. Now go, say hi to the other birthday boy! I know you’re dying to.”

Tommy smacks a kiss to Adam’s lips and turns, eyes seeking Nate’s.

The moment Nate sees him he lights up and Tommy crosses the floor in a hurry, jumping into Nate’s open arms.” Dude!” Nate laughs. “I’ve missed you. So much.”

“Oh my God. I can’t believe you’re here.” Tommy clings happily to Nate, pressing his head into his neck. Behind him he can hear Adam greet Peter, they’re laughing. He lets go of Nate to do the same and Peter hugs him tightly. “I saw you two holding hands,” Tommy whispers to Peter. “Are you two finally together?”

“Yeah,” says Peter, voice laced with happiness.

Tommy draws back to look at Peter and then Nate; who’s hugging and kissing Adam hello. “I’m so happy for you.”

Peter hugs Tommy again and Nate’s demanding voice pulls them apart. “I want my fucking birthday kiss, birthday boy.”

Tommy grins and presses a short chaste kiss to Nate’s lips. “Happy birthday.” They say in unison.

Mia has missed Nate too and pushes her way into an eager hug before pulling Nate away through the crowd.

Tommy corners his boyfriend because Adam’s in serious need of kisses. Well, maybe Tommy is the one who needs them, but who’s counting.

“You like your surprise?” Adam asks, obviously knowing the answer to that question.

Tommy rolls his eyes and says, “Nope, hated it. You’re the worst boyfriend ever and I hate you.”

“Whatever,” Adam grins and presses Tommy against the wall, and with a thigh pushed between Tommy’s and a possessive somewhat rough kiss he steals all of Tommy attention.

And that’s the best birthday kiss so far.

 

THE END


End file.
